Halloween Party

[Sam172]

-
(edited)

[YourLocalCynic]

O.o I'm a female, and I hate parties. Pretty much for the reasons you described. Or were you referring to non-INTP females? *shrug*

[file cabinet]

I don't like most parties.. but I am going to something in a couple weeks that I'm excited about.. a web meet of 40+ ppl from another forum at some guy's house.. for 2 - 3 days.. but it's not a 'typical' party so .. yeah.. well.. since I haven't really 'been' to many parties I guess I can't say what's typical and what's not....

[EternalCynic]

Ditto. I can't stand parties.. being around more than 1 or max 2 people at a time, I can hardly stand.. I don't like to dance (at least party-type dancing), I don't like the crowd, I don't like the sticky feel of it, the noise.. blech. Parties. How could anyone enjoy them?

[Helen]

Hi. I've been reading the boards for a few days but haven't really posted yet, so here goes. I go to professional school in New Orleans. You can imagine that the people here really like to party. Every time we have a test, or a holiday, or even if somebody in the class has a birthday--any ridiculous excuse at all--we have to have a party. I personally hate parties and can think of nothing I'd rather do less. What is so fun about hanging out all night in a dark crowded room with a bunch of drunken fools acting like idiots? And when people are "dancing" they look more like animals than people.

Even if there is someone there you can hold a decent conversation with, you're not likely to be able to hear them anyway because the music is so loud--why is that?

That's the whole problem with your typical party: you don't have to use your brain at all--just follow your animal instincts, and you'll fit right in.

But what I hate the most is that every time we're going to have a party, someone ALWAYS asks me if I'm going. Everybody knows full well that I never go, but somebody is always going to ask. I think people do that on purpose just to annoy me. The conversation always goes like this:

Them: So, are you going to the party tomorrow night?
Me: No
Them (in a very fake concerned voice): Oh, why not? It's going to be so much fun!
Me: I hate parties. I've told you that before.
Them (in a patronizing tone): Oh but you'd really have so much fun if you tried. (Implication: you must be scared to go because I really can't imagine that anyone might not like something as fun as a party)
Me (gives sigh of disgust and walks away)

Anyone have similar experiences?

[lauriep]

Them: So, are you going to the party tomorrow night?
Me: No
Them (in a very fake concerned voice): Oh, why not? It's going to be so much fun!
Me: I hate parties. I've told you that before.
Them (in a patronizing tone): Oh but you'd really have so much fun if you tried. (Implication: you must be scared to go because I really can't imagine that anyone might not like something as fun as a party)
Me (gives sigh of disgust and walks away)

Anyone have similar experiences?

Wow, I think I had that identical conversation with a co-worker on Friday afternoon. I really hate the way she looks at me with pity when I say that I don't want to go.



It irritates me how so many poeple think that parties are the best thing ever and that dancing has to be done by everyone....or otherwise you're a boring, sad person.

Personally I prefer to dance in my living room alone. :D

[Boozer]

The only reason I went to this one was because it was my ex....

If it was me, the fact that it was a party being thrown by my ex would make me want to go less... but I always had problems becoming friends with my exes, usually I just stop talking to em.

[Nighthawk]

Them: So, are you going to the party tomorrow night?
Me: No
Them (in a very fake concerned voice): Oh, why not? It's going to be so much fun!
Me: I hate parties. I've told you that before.
Them (in a patronizing tone): Oh but you'd really have so much fun if you tried. (Implication: you must be scared to go because I really can't imagine that anyone might not like something as fun as a party)
Me (gives sigh of disgust and walks away)

Anyone have similar experiences?

Yes ... all the time. Also, "Did you see/go to THE GAME." If you tell them you don't like parties or THE GAME, then they all stare in disbelief. There must be something wrong with you. You can tell them a million times, and they will be back next week to ask you again ... as though you might suddenly have a revelation and see the light.

I think we run into this when dealing with Guardians (everybody wants to socialize) or Artisans (any excuse to have "fun"). That's 3/4 of the people out there. Idealists are diplomatic, so they go along more often than not. Us NT's are the only anti-social ones, particularly the introverts. People fear and/or ridicule what is different, and we're about as different as it gets. Just imagine if you went around every Friday afternoon asking people "So, are you going to spend a quiet evening doing something intellectual tonight?"

[Lucas]

I can relate. I just got back from 6 HOURS of Halloween partying. I'm so drained right now. Being such an introvert makes me really sad sometimes. I feel so different at parties. I wish I could socialize and let loose like extroverts do so easily.

This Einstein quote really resonates with me,
"I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity."

I can't wait for my years of maturity...

-Lucas :(

[Arioch]

I love your monk outfit.
Oh robes when will you come back into fashion?

[Arcael]

I enjoy partying, but only after I've had a couple drinks.

Then the I slips away and is replaced with E :P

[SheepDog]

Lucas, I haven't read that particular Einstein quote before but wow, how it resonates with me.

When I was in my teens and early 20s, I really tried hard to "learn how to party." It never worked, and I really didn't ever learn to like it. I did think there was something wrong with me, but looking back, I just didn't know myself well enough to know that partying for me was like trying to wear someone else's shoes. Even if they're the same size, they just don't fit.

It's hard to know that it's ok to be a solitary person. There's such a huge Extravert bias in this culture. When I finally decided to let go of those judgements and let myself be an Introvert, it was the beginning of a much happier time for me. Thinking of the Einstein quote, I wonder if I could have known this sooner, or if it is just part of the process for us Introverts to go through it and realize who we are.

[songbird36]

Agree.

And the extravert bias is even worse for women, who are expected to be more talkative, chatty and social than men anyway. There are no Brownie points given to women who are "strong silent types"!

[songbird36]

I get it (I think).

But I also think we Introverts need to take care to ensure we don't come across to others as disinterested in them (i.e. that we don't come across as completely self obsessed and self absorbed).

I think sometimes the inability to converse with others on a neutral/superficial level can simply create the impression that we couldn't care less about what's going on in the other person's life. That's why I think "small talk" is something we need to work on even if we don't particularly enjoy it (I've said this in another discussion thread). I don't think we should simply indulge our introspection to an unlimited degree.

[Sam172]

True, I see your point there.

Small talk, blah. I hate it :(

[Nighthawk]

True, I see your point there.

Small talk, blah. I hate it :(

I hate it to, but its a useful tool sometimes to get Guardians to come around to your point of view.

[Nighthawk]

This Einstein quote really resonates with me,
"I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity."

I can't wait for my years of maturity...

-Lucas :(

With 40+ years behind me, I can say that it does happen. You really start to come into your own as an NT in your 30's. In your 40's the Artisan jocks get fat and cannot perform anymore ... the Guardians have bumped into the glass ceiling and are miserable because they cannot get the executive power they crave ... yet you will have your mind finely tuned with the sum of several decades of knowledge, with more of the same awaiting you. When they lose their youth, the "S" types lose a lot of their identity. Maturity is a point where we "N" types really start getting our identity.

[songbird36]

Einstein was a late bloomer - he wrote most of his theory of relativity while in his 20's and working in the Swiss Patent Office in complete obscurity, and then waited 12 years or so to get the jolly thing published!

So I guess he was in no hurry to step into the limelight!

[Tranzors]

I wanted to go to a party. But I'm one year underage.

[SheepDog]

But I also think we Introverts need to take care to ensure we don't come across to others as disinterested in them (i.e. that we don't come across as completely self obsessed and self absorbed).

I think sometimes the inability to converse with others on a neutral/superficial level can simply create the impression that we couldn't care less about what's going on in the other person's life. That's why I think "small talk" is something we need to work on even if we don't particularly enjoy it (I've said this in another discussion thread). I don't think we should simply indulge our introspection to an unlimited degree.
I'm not sure, but I think I either don't care about seeming disinterested, or I have a chip on my shoulder about this one. I know the sentiment you're expressing is purely pragmatic, but I can't help at least wonder whether the thing I want is worth it. (what is it I want, anyway?). I guess I could engage in mind numbing small talk if I really wanted to get something out of it, but I rarely do.

It's that word "should" that says you "should" be this or that which burns me. I know you're just the messenger, so please know this isn't an attack. But when someone says you "should" do this, it's like saying, "you should be a different person. You shouldn't be who you are, you should be who I am. You should be like everyone else. There's something wrong with you for being different." Grrrrrrrrr!

I know this is an extreme response to a little harmless dialog, but that's my reaction at the current stage in my life. Maybe all those people who have always said to me "you read too much into things" are right. </sarcasm>

[songbird36]

No it's not an extreme reaction (we're not touchy feely types here are we)?!

Let me put my point in a slightly different way. I am a person who is uncomfortable with small talk, and awkward in a lot of social situations. I have never made friends easily, and have often felt "misunderstood".

But I have no wish for anyone to come away from an encounter with me feeling slighted, or feeling that I wasn't interested in them or couldn't care less what they have to say or what's going on in their life. Even if I have no interest in developing a deeper relationship with that person, I still feel it's wrong to "indulge" all my introverted tendencies to the extent that I won't bother talking to them unless they share my interests or think the way I do.

Small talk and superficial socialising is a skill I've had to work on over the years, and slowly and gradually I've become better at it. It will never be something I greatly enjoy, but I consider myself a better rounded person for having made the effort. Having said that, my true and deep friendships and relationships will always continue to involve like-minded people.

[Nighthawk]

Small talk and superficial socialising is a skill I've had to work on over the years, and slowly and gradually I've become better at it. It will never be something I greatly enjoy, but I consider myself a better rounded person for having made the effort. Having said that, my true and deep friendships and relationships will always continue to involve like-minded people.

I've forced myself too, over the years. If I've made a choice to be somewhere (party, work, store) ... I try to keep in mind that most people there will be different from me, so I camouflage and adapt. Mindless chitchat for the Guardians and faking an interest in sports for the Artisans. I used to view it as selling out, but now I think of it more as necessary social lubrication. The Artisans and Guardians will never understand me, so I show them a facade they will understand. Almost like a detached observer.

It does drain me however, and after a few hours I am ready to leave. Alcohol raises my tolerance level considerably. If I do meet a rare NT or NF however, I tend to block out all the other people around me and focus on that individual. Its like finding another American in Vladivostok.

[songbird36]

Maybe we could start a new discussion thread - how many INTPs are closet alcoholics to numb the pain of social chitchat?

LOL

[SheepDog]

I hear you. The thing that I would call "small talk" and be willing to do is a form of superficial socializing, but not what I hear others doing. I get people talking about their hobbies or interests, instead of talking about the latest sporting event. I find a lot of things interesting, so I usually find something that we can relate to each other about. This usually happens in smaller groups, though, because the more people, the more shallow the conversation has to be in order to involve everyone.

Part of this approach is out of necessity. I don't watch or follow any sports. I don't watcy any TV at all, for that matter (~10 years and going), so a lot of the "did you see that show/commercial/game the other day?" kind of conversation is not one that I can participate in even if I wanted to.

I guess the approach I feel most comfortable with is to let them talk about themselves. I don't mind it, and sometimes I learn a thing or two. At the very least, it's usually not totally shallow dribble. And Dale Carnegie would say that's a pretty good approach, anyway.

[Claverhouse]

I try to keep in mind that most people there will be different from me, so I camouflage and adapt. Mindless chitchat for the Guardians and faking an interest in sports for the Artisans.

I think that overtly empathising with them for their rotten luck in being born that way shows a nice attitude.


Claverhouse :ph34r:

[Nighthawk]

I try to keep in mind that most people there will be different from me, so I camouflage and adapt. Mindless chitchat for the Guardians and faking an interest in sports for the Artisans.

I think that overtly empathising with them for their rotten luck in being born that way shows a nice attitude.


Claverhouse :ph34r:

:) I've found it takes lot less time and energy than explaining why I'm not interested whatever they are talking about. I save that energy for dealing with other fellow N's.

[Lucas]

This Einstein quote really resonates with me,
"I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity."

I can't wait for my years of maturity...

-Lucas :(

With 40+ years behind me, I can say that it does happen. You really start to come into your own as an NT in your 30's. In your 40's the Artisan jocks get fat and cannot perform anymore ... the Guardians have bumped into the glass ceiling and are miserable because they cannot get the executive power they crave ... yet you will have your mind finely tuned with the sum of several decades of knowledge, with more of the same awaiting you. When they lose their youth, the "S" types lose a lot of their identity. Maturity is a point where we "N" types really start getting our identity.

Sweet! :D Something to look forward to! It seems like it should be easier to be an INT after age 30.

There is so much pressure for a 20yr old college student to fit into the whole E, social butterfly, non-stop partying type. Although I've found that a very large percentage of professors (social sciences at least) are Introverts, and a lot of NTs at that.


I get it (I think).
I think sometimes the inability to converse with others on a neutral/superficial level can simply create the impression that we couldn't care less about what's going on in the other person's life. That's why I think "small talk" is something we need to work on even if we don't particularly enjoy it (I've said this in another discussion thread). I don't think we should simply indulge our introspection to an unlimited degree.

Yeah. I naturally have so much resistance to communicating on a neutral/superficial level. It's all about focusing on my strengths and working on my weaknesses, like my social retardation. (Damn, that was cheesy). haha.

thanks,
-Lucas