An INTP anomaly?

[Dman]

I am totally INTP to the core, and my friends/family have confirmed it, with one possible exception: I have always felt a strong desire to be liked and for people to want to hang out with me.

Don't get me wrong, I still very much need my alone time, and prefer to work alone and do most things alone, but there is always a part of me that wants friends to talk to. Besides my wife, I really can't think of anyone that I could consider a friend that I hang out with. I get along well with people, including my coworkers, but really can't see myself socializing with them outside of work. In the past, I would also find myself "dumbing" down and trying not to be such a logical, analytical person when at a party, just so that people will think I'm cool. Now I just act like myself as much as possible, and have no friends to speak of.

Does anyone else have similar feelings/problems, or am I an anomaly?

[Zero Angel]

I have the exact same problem, but I think starting to drift past that phase.

I keep telling myself "If people dont like me, then thats their problem" and I think its starting to work. I feel more relaxed that I dont have to put on such a mask of conformity. Trying to conform seems to tax my reserves.

I'm not sure of what you can do to meet other NTs, but college/university would be a good environment, I think. Or at least something that has a point that other NTs flock to.

[Clara]

What contradiction...?



Originally Posted by Dman
... and trying not to be such a logical, analytical person when at a party...

There are other sides to you... and there must be someone, or more than one, at the party who's just happy that you're both/all there, with whom you're happy to find yourself? Luckily, preferring INTP means that you will eventually be able to know "what's the missing part in this puzzle. ;)

(Completely off topic: Anyone, if there's somewhere that has directions for what I should be doing, to quote - please tell me? Dman, do you know?)

[Vagabond]

You are just soc first. Don't worry.

[Vagabond]

(Completely off topic: Anyone, if there's somewhere that has directions for what I should be doing, to quote - please tell me? Dman, do you know?) Just hit the button that looks like a speaking bubble at the bottom of the post you want to quote from.

[Lucas]

I am totally INTP to the core, and my friends/family have confirmed it, with one possible exception: I have always felt a strong desire to be liked and for people to want to hang out with me.

Does anyone else have similar feelings/problems, or am I an anomaly?


Everyone (including INTP's) has a strong desire to be liked and to connect with people. Granted some more than others. This is human nature.

You'd be an anomaly, and should be worried, if you didn't want to be around people at all. I love my solitude, but I couldn't imagine life without fellow human beings, friends, and family to interact and connect with on a daily basis.

I used to romanticize solitude and my introvertedness, when really, I was just lonely, sad and friendless. Sometimes I think the 'INTP' lable caused a self-fulfilling prophesy for me, making me neglect my friends because hey, I was different. After reading everything about INTPs I began to compare myself to others(mostly E's) instead of identifying with them. At best I think the INTP lable is neutral, while at worst it can cause self-fulfilling prophesy.

[Boneca]

I would also find myself "dumbing" down and trying not to be such a logical, analytical person when at a party, just so that people will think I'm cool. Now I just act like myself as much as possible, and have no friends to speak of.
This is exactly where I'm at right now. I used to have a lot of friends, mostly ESxx types, that I had absolutely nothing in common with, but eventually I got tired of them (this was before my MBTI obsession though!). Now I barely have any friends, and I keep telling myself that I don't need any. Still, some part of me knows that I'm just fooling myself.

I used to romanticize solitude and my introvertedness, when really, I was just lonely, sad and friendless. Sometimes I think the 'INTP' lable caused a self-fulfilling prophesy for me, making me neglect my friends because hey, I was different. After reading everything about INTPs I began to compare myself to others(mostly E's) instead of identifying with them. At best I think the INTP lable is neutral, while at worst it can cause self-fulfilling prophesy.Maybe we as an INTP group should stop idealising a hermit life and instead challenge each other to overcome our social indifference? It is nice to be different, but not to the extent that it hurts us.

[SheepDog]

I'd be happy being around other people that I can relate to. I'd rather be alone than in some social settings, though. I don't think this means I'm a hermit, even if that means being alone quite a bit.

Extraversion/Introversion deals a lot with how we get our energies. Some INTPs will need different levels of interaction than others. I don't see the point in challenging myself to change the fact most group interactions wear me out. I've been told by others most of my life that I "should" be more social, yet realizing that I should be myself instead has been a key point in my happiness.

What I WOULD say here is that there is benefit of seeing that even though we may share type definition, we are not clones of each other. MBTI is a tool for understanding. I agree that using it to simply apply labels to people (including ourselves) is a misuse and a waste of a very helpful tool.

[Clara]

Just hit the button that looks like a speaking bubble at the bottom of the post you want to quote from.

...directions for what I should be doing, to quote...
Thank you Vagabond - I also (finally :blush: ) went & read the FAQ :whistle:

[hemanthraz]

Boneca has a point there people.

I used to be aloof just for the heck of it, to prove im different. Then i realized that are occasional moments of amusement and entertainment to be had by socializing. Of course not with everyone, but i consciously try and make new friends now.

But i also feel that being in a place that my E friends enjoy like a football game or a disco is not really a thrilling experience for me.Yeah i do enjoy the ambience for a while than the noise and the sheer amount of people begin to drag me down and i get very restless.

Balance is the key i suppose. Im yet to find it !!

[Edmond Zedo]

Refer to Keirsey's definition of introvert/extrovert, in Please Understand Me II, which is the best (If you're N), and I'll attempt to do slight justice. It's metaphorical.

Extroverts "charge their batteries" by being with people (generally groups), and introverts charge theirs by being alone. Extroverts' batteries are drained by solitude, and introverts' batteries are drained by contact.

In my words now, that is to say, it's what you need to come back to at the end of the day that defines you. I can joke at work all day, party all night, but then I at least feel like I need to be alone for a huge chunk of time just to relax. I get frustrated and anxious if I betray that need.

[Danyal]

I think it took me till I was at least 21 before I realised that not everybody is going to like me and worked on caring less.

However it was brought up in my session yesterday that part of my difficulties are the my desire to be invisible is clashing with my more visible side. Ok I'm still working on what she meant by that but she has a point, sometimes - when the mood takes me, I do go all out to make an impression at social events or voice my opinion at work say.... other times I will do/try everything to not go in the first place.

I've been told to work on letting both sides of myself co-exsist, still working on that.

[indie]

It depends. If I feel a mental connection with someone whom I perceive as being on par with me intellectually, I'll definitely want them to like me, and I'll make the effort to be more "E" with them, asking them questions and such. But I don't really care what people like (dare I stereotype here) jocks or empty-headed bimbos think, and will usually make the effort to insult them in a way that they don't get. :shock: Bad me, I know.

[Dman]

These are really good posts, thanks. Maybe a big part of my problem is just being immature at social relationships (and unfortunately I'm 31).

I used to be drawn to the "jocks" and "bimbos" simply because I admired their confidence and extraversion. Obviously I found out the hard way that these relationships were doomed. I shunned the people who would have been my best counterparts, because they represented what I didn't like about myself, my non-conformity (nice way of saying geeks & nerds). It took me almost 30 years to accept who I am, and it was thanks to the MBTI. I finally realized that it was natural for me to feel and think the way I do. The challenge I have now is to work it to my advantage instead of the opposite. Unfortunately I work in a large company known for its "jocks" and extraverts!

[headfonez]

that thing you said about dumbing down definately applies to me. I just did that two seconds ago and to read this thread was like whoa

[sasapurdue]

I am totally INTP to the core, and my friends/family have confirmed it, with one possible exception: I have always felt a strong desire to be liked and for people to want to hang out with me.

Don't get me wrong, I still very much need my alone time, and prefer to work alone and do most things alone, but there is always a part of me that wants friends to talk to. Besides my wife, I really can't think of anyone that I could consider a friend that I hang out with. I get along well with people, including my coworkers, but really can't see myself socializing with them outside of work. In the past, I would also find myself "dumbing" down and trying not to be such a logical, analytical person when at a party, just so that people will think I'm cool. Now I just act like myself as much as possible, and have no friends to speak of.

Does anyone else have similar feelings/problems, or am I an anomaly?

I can definitely relate to everything you have said. For me, I often desire to find people who understand my mind or maybe think in similar ways and that is often difficult. Maybe part of the problem is you aren't surrounded by many N types? All of my friend are S types, I love them and have so much fun with them but sometimes I feel like a certain connection is missing. Like if I asked out loud some of the many questions crossing my mind like "what if there was nothing? could there be nothing? there always has to be something" they would like at me like I was crazy. So maybe you aren't dumbing down you are just forcing yourself to be concrete (talk about the weather, work etc) when you have more of a tendency to be abstract or to talk about abstract things. Please remember what you bring to the table -- a different perspective from the average bear and a creative way of looking at life, people think this is more interesting than you might realize and may want to be your friend but maybe don't know how to approach you (sometimes INTP's come off as difficult to get to know or approach)

[kuranes]

Neil Young - "I need a crowd of people, but I can't face 'em day to day."

Sasapardue you are the first person to pick up on that "what about nothing?" thought that I have ever encountered. I wrote something about it in the "believe" thread.

[Zero Angel]

yeah, regarding the dumbing down thing. I hate having to do that, but I find that it's a force of habit. Most of the time I'm thinking about stuff that is completely unrelated to whatever people are talking about, and just dragging through the conversations. But when my thoughts somehow intersect with the conversation at hand, I can diverge it and form an instant connection with some people. Becoming passionate and enthusiastic, spilling out my words. I'm no longer analyzing, because it's like i'm fully there and present and everything I need to say just magically pops into my head, I don't even have to 'think' as I normally do. I live for these kinds of moments, but they are so rare.

Strangely enough, those who I 'connect' with are people who I never see on a daily basis. Also, It's much different if I try to force myself to add insight rather then let it come naturally.

[sasapurdue]

Neil Young - "I need a crowd of people, but I can't face 'em day to day."

Sasapardue you are the first person to pick up on that "what about nothing?" thought that I have ever encountered. I wrote something about it in the "believe" thread.


wow really? I will check out that thread...

[indie]

But when my thoughts somehow intersect with the conversation at hand, I can diverge it and form an instant connection with some people. Becoming passionate and enthusiastic, spilling out my words. I'm no longer analyzing, because it's like i'm fully there and present and everything I need to say just magically pops into my head, I don't even have to 'think' as I normally do. I live for these kinds of moments, but they are so rare.

Could not have said it better. It's unfortunate that these "moments" are so rare IRL, but when they do happen, they are everything awesome.

I've always had a hard time "speaking up," (and does it ever piss me off when people tell me to), especially in educational settings. . . like when called upon to answer a question from an assignment on the spot, I completely lose my train of thought and come across as a bumbling idiot. But when I have time to intuitively absorb both the question in the context, I can actually sometimes sound like I know what I'm talking about.

It's unfortunate that more educators/employers don't understand this anomaly. Verbal communication is a bitch, eh?

[Miss Anthropic]

I am not good at dumbing down for the sake of socializing. I have very few friends, and those I have I'm not very good at keeping in touch with. The most important to me is to know they are there if I were to want to be around them. (I know that sounds horrible) So I do my best to put an effort forth to make plans with them at least sometimes, because I know if I never call them, they will eventually give up on me. My friends are mostly ESxx also. It always works out that way--they are all chattery and social and I can just tag along adding my input when I feel like it.

Wow, this thread is old. Whenever I see Zedo I'm surprised!