Conformity and the need to fit in?

[officebum1978]

What are everybody else’s thoughts about this issue? Being a natural “P” I hate to plan too far ahead, like to keep my options open and occasionally like to be totally impulsive! But being an INTP I go over every detail to the point my “P” side gets constrained and end up not always doing what I would want!! Then there is the added pressure of living in a world set up for “J’s” imposing their ordered and planned mentality on the rest of us.

This yr I was lucky enough to take 3 months off to go travelling in Europe, in lonely planet there is some bull shit about travel changing your life that naturally I was cynical about. But it was beneficial in that I realised the detrimental effect the conformist herd mentality was having on me before I left. People constantly telling me not getting any younger (fuck I’m only 26!) need to think about a career! Should settle down buy a place (what pay over the odds for a place to live, believe me prices have gone crazy in England last 5 yrs and trap yourself in a 25 yr mortgage!!) Anyway the new found clarity and self belief I had when I came back is slowly being chipped away at again. Again I am exposed to the usual conformist nonsense (delivered through the media, work colleagues, etc) comments such as “so you got it out your system now (Travel) I suppose you wil want to settle down”.

Everyone has pressure to fit in right? And I know is more to it to than the small area I have I mentioned. But how do you deal with it?

[Lee]

You would conform to the norm in society too if I's,N's,T's and P's were in the majority. It's a matter of finding your place and letting your family understand that you are different and don't persue the same goals and dreams to be happy. Fighting your natural instincts will only hurt you to please them, which they themselves would most likely be against.

[SheepDog]

It is good to recognise the forces acting upon you. Although you say that they're chipping away at your new clarity, the fact that you realize this means that you will from now on have a new perspective. Whether you choose to utilize that perspective is up to you, but I would encourage it.

I like Bruce Lee's thoughts when he said (paraphrased) "take what works for you and leave the rest." He was talking about martial arts styles, but I think the idea works for what you're talking about as well.

Utimately, your life is your journey to take. Let yourself be in charge of your own destination.

[officebum1978]

u guys are right. You have to do what you feel is right, to swim against the tide may be more difficult but in the end its beneficial! i guess its just hard recognising ur different and having the strength to try alternatives when most people around you are so ready to conform!!

[jimkopelli]

To things like rules of spelling and grammar, for example... Some things are a good idea to conform to, like common sense in things like "Don't jump off this cliff onto those pointy rocks" or "Do not, under any circumstances, annoy this person."

I definitely follow a "use what works for you" philosophy.

[Nighthawk]

u guys are right. You have to do what you feel is right, to swim against the tide may be more difficult but in the end its beneficial! i guess its just hard recognising ur different and having the strength to try alternatives when most people around you are so ready to conform!!

Try to think of the tide of majority types flowing around you instead of against you ... passing you by instead of chipping away at you ... with minimal impact on you or your beliefs. They are blind to personality topography and don't know you from anybody else. That anonymity is your strength. I know its just a metaphor, but then again, that's what we're good at ;-)

When I was in my teens, it really bothered me that I didn't fit in ... so I just stumbled around through the world, never really finding my place. In my 20's I tried very hard to be either an SP or an SJ. That left me very bitter and depressed, and made me prone to risk-taking activities as a form of rebellion. In my 30's I finally learned who and what I am, and also learned to camouflage myself as either an SP or SJ, rather than trying to become one. It still irritates me a little ... having to do that ... but I've found it preferable to fighting them all the time. There are just a few actions and feigned attitudes that convince them you are one of them, and they leave you alone for the most part. INTP's are usually good chameleons, so it is an interesting study for me, figuring out what type of facade is needed for the organization or people involved. I draw strength from the notion that they have not figured me out and probably never will. I always have something unexpected in reserve, and can channel how much effort I really want to put into things. It does wear me down over the course of time though, so I usually jump around organizations a lot. Just be careful not to sacrifice your non-negotiables, or you run the risk of losing yourself.

[ainoassassin]

Ha. Thats kinda funny. I'm a senior in high school and today at lunch my friends and I were discussing how were could pretty much guess what these people in our class were going to be like by the time of our first reunion. These were the people who basically conform to what there peers and parents expect of them. Whe predected that most of these people would be what there fathers or mothers are and that the football players will marry the prettyest girls and then cheat on them while the wives cheat on them.
Just a thought.

[int]

I was voted most likely to be in a garage band at the age of 50.

Stupid peers.

We play in a basement.

Idiots.


Anyways, I'm the guy that shows up to a homeowners association meeting and just votes "No!" on everything.

No more rules. No more confusion. No more judging from your neighbors.

Piss off.

:)

Edit: Officebum - Unless your wanting to settle down, travel!! Luckily I married a woman who wants to travel with me, but we have our little haven in the suburbs that we love. I love it when she gets "the travel bug" and we can agree on someplace to go experience and learn about. :)

Edit2: And I know I'm not quite 50 yet.

[hemanthraz]

what about occupations, Every other person i know seems to be working on the same few things these days. Whatever happened to doing what you like the best??

Damn conformity and pigeon-holing of people!!

[Avengardh]

I deal with it quite well, for about 8-9 yrs I have.

When I can't deal with it anymore, I get pissed off at people so I tend to retreat to my home and just chill until it passes (either that or I travel). I have no intentions of "settling down, blah blah" so that doesn't stress me out unless people keep pestering me, under which conditions, I do the former as well.

I know what I have to do to get where I want to get, I will try to find loopholes and do it my way, otherwise, I just won't do it.

In the end it's more important to be ok with yourself, than to be ok with the world.

[synchronous]

This yr I was lucky enough to take 3 months off to go travelling in Europe, in lonely planet there is some bull shit about travel changing your life that naturally I was cynical about. But it was beneficial in that I realised the detrimental effect the conformist herd mentality was having on me before I left. People constantly telling me not getting any younger (fuck I’m only 26!) need to think about a career! Should settle down buy a place (what pay over the odds for a place to live, believe me prices have gone crazy in England last 5 yrs and trap yourself in a 25 yr mortgage!!) Anyway the new found clarity and self belief I had when I came back is slowly being chipped away at again. Again I am exposed to the usual conformist nonsense (delivered through the media, work colleagues, etc) comments such as “so you got it out your system now (Travel) I suppose you wil want to settle down”.

Everyone has pressure to fit in right? And I know is more to it to than the small area I have I mentioned. But how do you deal with it?

If you are surrounded by long time friends and family, they will be more apt to share their opinions and impose their perspective on you. I've had similar issues and the way I solved that was to move to another city, close enough to my family and friends but far enough so that visiting them on a regular basis would be problematic. If you cannot afford to get another job and move to another city or town in the UK, then consider living in another country. Otherwise, I would suggest you confront them and set some boundaries with them.

There are limits to this issue of conformity though, and complaints would be legitimate by your family if you were 26 and weren't working and you were living your life at their expense because you use the INTP personality type tendencies to justify your behaviour. For example, refusing to work at a factory - maybe the only type of work available in your city or town - because you know the work would be boring and not your type's career orientation, so, you sit and wait at your parents' expense until a good opportunity turns up. As a parent myself, I certainly would be on your heels pressuring you to get a career/job and buy your own house, in this sort of scenario.

[SheepDog]

officebum1978, are you living on your own (by your own means), or at someone else's expense?

[officebum1978]

I would never be happy sitting aroun bludging off others but at the same time don't want to live up to other peoples standards for life! I was living on my own and own means b4 i went to europe. Have moved back in with my parents 4 last couple of months, i'm back at work (same place they gave me a career break) and i pay my way with parents and have not asked them for money since i was 16! A lot of my freinds are quite jelous of my position as i have a pretty well paid job (i earn double what some of them earn and they are ambitious) had chance to go away for 3mths and come back. In a way i'm quite lucky my job suits my personality to an extent, i work mainly on my own and have a big influence what/ how i work. But my issue is i'm not happy settling for just that. I feel i need to be around more like minded people! people with depth of character who are not embarased to talk on an intelectual level or have interests/views outside the norm!! Guess why i'm here talking to you guys?

i like the idea of moving to a new city! and i've been lookin in fact i've been offered a new job in cambridge, which i hope to start sometime in the new yr!!

Ps don't wana bore people talkin bout me all the time anyone got anything they wana get off there chest?

[Tranzors]

You would conform to the norm in society too if I's,N's,T's and P's were in the majority. It's a matter of finding your place and letting your family understand that you are different and don't persue the same goals and dreams to be happy. Fighting your natural instincts will only hurt you to please them, which they themselves would most likely be against.

What if your family doesn't want this? Because my family wants me to be an E. I would probobly an E if there were more NTs.

[Jkrs]

So far, I've been dealing with it by mimicking the ocean. Hack at breakers with your pointy sword all you want, but nothing can truly fight the sea. Listen politely (or not so politely, as the occasion warrants) and then go your own way.

I've found the approach to work on family, as well.