Other people's problems...

[jimkopelli]

So.
I have a friend, who is in a relationship where things are not as they should be. I don't like her situation she doesn't like her situation, (but would feel guilty about leaving, thus the dilemma...) the rest of our mutual friends don't like it... and I just stayed up till 4 (three and some hour conversation... bleh) talking to her on AIM convincing her that breaking up with this guy was in her best interest. It was a team effort, for a while... but some people had to sleep or do homework and so dropped out. Eventually, we got her to see that the the guy was using her, guilting her into things... and she saw things our way. Yippie for me... I had to do all the bloody work.

My question is... Do you know anyone that you would do this for or who would do this for you? Have any of you had to deal with hysterical people at one in the morning through a messenger service?

[Nindy]

Tough situation, I'm glad that she's got the whole picture now.


Anyhow, yes, I've had to do with such circumstances and attempted to help "hysterical" people at such unconsiderate times. But I do this for a lot of people.
My best friend claims that he would do such a thing for me, and has claimed so for ages, and has actually proved it, so I suppose I should trust him on it. Lol.

Very kind of you by the way; to do that for her. I hope things will turn out good.:)

[ohnoaninfp]

I would try to help out my good friends anyway that I can. I am pretty sure that my family would do the same for me.

[mgb]

So.
I have a friend, who is in a relationship where things are not as they should be. I don't like her situation she doesn't like her situation, (but would feel guilty about leaving, thus the dilemma...) the rest of our mutual friends don't like it... and I just stayed up till 4 (three and some hour conversation... bleh) talking to her on AIM convincing her that breaking up with this guy was in her best interest. It was a team effort, for a while... but some people had to sleep or do homework and so dropped out. Eventually, we got her to see that the the guy was using her, guilting her into things... and she saw things our way. Yippie for me... I had to do all the bloody work.

My question is... Do you know anyone that you would do this for or who would do this for you? Have any of you had to deal with hysterical people at one in the morning through a messenger service?

I have a friend that is dating someone I think is a tool. I am pretty up front about it. When I was dating someone that sucked for me...no one said anything until I broke up with her...then they came out of the woodwork, it drove me nuts.

I haave probably had to deal with hysterical people in IM before, I can't remember. Its not fun. The worst, and I hope you friend doesn't do this, is when they see what is going and stick with the person. That is frustrating.

[jimkopelli]

It's all good now, though. We stayed up all night and I ended up taking her out for an omelette to celebrate. Then I came back and slept till noon.

[SheepDog]

What are the odds that she won't backslide?

Ok, I'm cynical. I am no longer convinced that you can 'tell' anybody anything. I've played the role you're describing before, on several occasions, and it had a temporary effect, but not a permanent one.

In any case, there's a fine line between nurturing (i.e. compassion) and enabling. Sometimes, I make the correct distinction and sometimes I don't. When a friend needs an empathetic ear, I'm honored to be able to provide it. Sometimes, I get the feeling that the best thing I can do is be considerate, but as honest as the circumstances allow.

I do hope all goes well with your friend. It sounds like you certainly showed compassion for your fellow human, and the world needs a lot more of that. :)

[heeroyuy]

My question is... Do you know anyone that you would do this for or who would do this for you? Have any of you had to deal with hysterical people at one in the morning through a messenger service?

Yea, been through something like this twice with one of my friends, I've also stayed up late with people who threatened to hurt themselves (and who I knew would...as you can tell pretty easily by how someone tells you...). Not fun, but kind of gratifying to know you helped someone, but after the 3rd or 4th time gets so incredibly frustrating.

Glad you could help her :)

I've learned after many times getting screwed over, when my best friend asks my opinion of a guy or her boyfriend, I tell her the truth, and if it's biased, I tell her that too.

My $0.02.

[Warrior413]

My question is... Do you know anyone that you would do this for or who would do this for you?
I'd do it for most people I know. I don't tell others my problems and I don't think anyone I know could help anyway.


Have any of you had to deal with hysterical people at one in the morning through a messenger service?
Far too many times. But I'd do it all again. It's good to know you've helped someone.

Edit: Although sometimes I just get annoyed and feel like telling them to kill themselves or stop bugging me. Of course I'd never say that though.

[heeroyuy]

Although sometimes I just get annoyed and feel like telling them to kill themselves or stop bugging me. Of course I'd never say that though.

Amen. Threaten suicide once just to get sympathy, shame on you. Threaten suicide 10 times or more just to get sympathy, shame on me.

Some people I seriously do worry about, as I know their personality, and none of them even imply they will...but you can tell. Something in their personality just goes *CRACK* and there it is. Those people are the ones I will drop everything to watch out for, because they're the ones closest to me. Most people I'll just humor.

[Division56]

My mother is ISFJ.

I am VERY experienced in convincing too trusting people that they're being used.

The trick is to get them righteously angry.

[heeroyuy]

In other words use the same thing that got them trapped to get them untrapped :)?

[Clara]

The trick is to get them righteously angry.
*blinking at Green Lantern's secret identity's succinct expression of insightful wisdom* (those superheroes, man, they don't say much, but when they do...)

When it's not so life-shaking, another approach is to adopt an attitude (tongue in cheek, but very straight faced, apparently-sincere with enthusiasm that comes from diaphragm breathing) that they are not only on the Right Course, but everything about it is good... with "proofs" that are logical on the surface, but thin. It requires determined, dogged refutation that you're making fun of them... while continuing to pile on reasons that don't stand up... Because the overall message you're aiming for is, "I care about you, and I believe you're going to resolve this, once you look at it from the right perspective-s."
(e.g. Yvon Deschamps' monologues, btw, for any who want to practice listening to French, and be entertained by brilliant wit.)

[Edmond Zedo]

You down with O.P.P.?

[Vagabond]

My question is... Do you know anyone that you would do this for or who would do this for you? That's the story of my life.
Maybe there are people that would do the same for me; I wouldn't know, I keep most of my problems in my head - or at least their true extend.

[ApeTheDog]

I've talked to one person for something like 6 hours (seemed like 600) about cutting himself. You can't really talk sense into somebody who does that, because they don't do it for a sensible reason. You really need to inject massive empathy into their system to comfort them. Fortunately we discovered a mutual trait we share, being unable to feel comfortable in public, and so we bonded a bit there and he relaxed.

Another friend of mine on IRC manages to calm this same person in under half an hour flat. He's really good with this sort of thing. But I managed to help this guy cope with his girlfriend cheating on him by asking him the questions he was afraid to ask. We're really good at stripping situations from all the emotional luggage that comes with them and seeing things for what they are.

Anyway, what I think most of these emergencies are is people wanting to know that somebody cares about them. That jumpstarts them again and gives them the courage to tackle their problem. The hard thing about doing this over the internet is that you can't touch people, or try and make your voice soothing and/or commanding, depending on what the situation demands.

[cjs55]

I feel useless when this sort of thing occurs. I am usually sensitive and patient, but can't fix a damn thing.

I have never been hysterical...my moods are usually almost pre-meditated and last for fairly long periods. But, I think I have a few friends who would help me out if I were really in trouble.

[Nindy]

I've talked to one person for something like 6 hours (seemed like 600) about cutting himself. You can't really talk sense into somebody who does that, because they don't do it for a sensible reason.
You're being prejudiced here. People who cut themselves don't all have the same reason for one. And it's just what you consider to be sensible. Plus, everyone doing that is an individual, thus different, thus you can't say that there's no talking sense into a single one of them.

[BritainOphira]

I feel useless when this sort of thing occurs. I am usually sensitive and patient, but can't fix a damn thing.
That's usually how I feel. One of my friends has been "in love" with the same guy since she was in sixth grade, and I have never been able to convince her that though he doesn't mind being friends with her, he is not interested in her as a girlfriend as he's had five years to do something about it and consistantly won't and that it is not her fault that he's an ass. (It probably doesn't help that she's amazingly boy crazy.)
As far as suicide and self-mutilation, I'm usually just stuck, trying to figure out how to tread lightly without making the other person aware of it, unless, of course, I know they are lying to me about it in which case I just scream at them until they realize that lying about attempting something so dangerous for pity is the worst thing they could do.

As for someone doing the same thing for me, I know they would as they have and would again, but as I'm not very open in person, the problem usually escalates beyond all comprehension by the time I finally get around to being reasonable about it.

[ApeTheDog]

You're being prejudiced here. People who cut themselves don't all have the same reason for one. And it's just what you consider to be sensible. Plus, everyone doing that is an individual, thus different, thus you can't say that there's no talking sense into a single one of them.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out like that. What I meanth was that since people cut themselves for an emotional reason, giving them logical reasons not to do it any more tends not to have much of an impact. I never meanth that nobody can talk sense into them, just that I can't do it easily since logical reasons are the only ones I know.

[howiec]

In response to the original questions, yes, I have spent large amounts of time talking to people, trying to keep them sane, and, yes, I have had the same done for me before.

As far as cutting and suicide attempts go, however, some of you seem to be a little confused about just what it takes to do something like that. Logic is most certainly involved in it, just not the type of logic most of us would consider to be sane. It is the result of it being incredibly clear that no other option is left. Also, people might talk about doing things like that or pretend that they've done things like that for pity or attention, but, by the time someone gets to the point that they can actually cause that level of harm to themselves, pity or attention gained through pity would usually only make them feel worse about themselves.

[ApeTheDog]

I don't see it that way at all. Do you not need to dissolve the core of the problem to make the need to cut themselves go away? And is that core not emotional pain?

[HeyBooU]

What are the odds that she won't backslide?

Ok, I'm cynical. I am no longer convinced that you can 'tell' anybody anything. I've played the role you're describing before, on several occasions, and it had a temporary effect, but not a permanent one.

That happens to me ALL the time. The problem is that they end up accepting what they are hearing but refuse to realize it. I think the realization of things is what makes people change and that usually has to come from a large kick in the ass.

[HeyBooU]

You're being prejudiced here. People who cut themselves don't all have the same reason for one. And it's just what you consider to be sensible. Plus, everyone doing that is an individual, thus different, thus you can't say that there's no talking sense into a single one of them.


Is there a good and sensible reason to cut yourself?

[Nindy]

Is there a good and sensible reason to cut yourself?
Like I said, it all depends on what you consider sensible.

There are several reasons to cut yourself, some examples are:
1- An outlet for emotional pain, a way of coping, numbing the emotional pain with the physical
2- Due to emptiness some people can feel so surreal that they want to feel 'real' again, thus they cut, physical pain bringing them back to reality
3- A cry for help (so, not necessarily for negative attention, that's a rare reason!)
4- Negative attention (doesn't occur often, but sadly happens. those people are ill as well though)
5- For the blood. (well, mostly there's more to it really. But those ones don't need help as long as they don't bother anyone with it and cut so excessively that it's too dangerous...)

Self-harm is an addiction, you cut, your brain produces endorphin, you feel relief. Then you start to need the endorphin, and need more everytime you cut. So it becomes a habit.

Personally, I consider the first 2 reasons 'sensible' to a certain extent, the third reasonably sensible as well in certain situations, the fourth, not sensible at all, the fifth, well, I just find that one amusing.:)

[Edmond Zedo]

I'd never understood "cutting" in the least, but I was more down than ever before not long ago (Octoberish). I happened to be holding a box cutter, and drug it across the back of my hand...Didn't cut deep, as it didn't bleed right away, but then it did for quite a while. I felt better somehow, and it could have been the endorphins. I wouldn't expect to feel that urge again. Who knows?

[Claverhouse]

Self-harm is an addiction, you cut, your brain produces endorphin, you feel relief. Then you start to need the endorphin, and need more everytime you cut. So it becomes a habit.
Until you hit the motherlode and accidentally strike deep into an artery, no doubt.



Claverhouse :ph34r:

[Nindy]

Until you hit the motherlode and accidentally strike deep into an artery, no doubt.
That can of course occur, yet it stays a fact that it's extremely hard to hit your artery and hit it good if you do so, even at your wrist, you'll hear lots of suicidal people complaining about it.