lexiphanic
31 Dec 2004, 12:21 PM
Long story. Only reason I post it is just because I had a 'revalation' tonight while cleaning up for a tonight's party. I've been awake for 24 hours in a couple of minutes, and extenuating circumstances have always led to interesting insights into life. (I can't imagine what drugs would do)
Well, about three and a half years ago I began dating someone that I would fall deeply in love with. Over the course of four months, we had a rollercoaster ride of mis communication, understanding sympathy, respect, support, possessiveness, misguided advice, and many other things. All told, it was probably The most emotion fueled period in my life. EVER. Of course, she dumped me. :shock: For reasons that are as clear to me as they are foggy. At the time, I'm pretty sure she couldn't have nailed down the reasons either. Suffice to say, we put alot of the emphasis on the wrong things in our relationship. She was likely the personality type that is always clashing, yet drawn towards the intp.
Anyway, she broke up with me, yet I had no idea what to do with myself. I still loved her just as much as I did when we were still dating, yet I was left with this intense feeling by myself. It seemed absurd that I was socially not allowed to express this pure, selfless, love for another person. If you love somebody, the movies, books, and stories that are told far and wide, if you love someone enough, they will understand and come back to you.
Well, unfortunately, chick flicks are pretty damn unrealistic. She had no idea what my intentions were. Why I would awkwardly put myself in her presence. I would of course tell her why occasionally, and then she would break down and cry. Yes, very touching. Of course that was even more confusing for me. If you cried over me, just go out with me. It is obvious that feelings were still there, yet she held them back for reasons of her own. Bla bla bla, I digress.
Anyway, I became about as depressed as I and the personality that God has gifted me with can. I moped about acting depressed, feeling extremely bipolar while a part of me watched, detatched, almost amused, as I put on a brave face everyday to face a world which I couldn't have, which I wouldn't strive for. All because that which I wanted in the world didn't want me back. So, I avoided anything that might lead me to a chance encounter with her, I stopped seeing my friends that lived in the dorms, afraid of encountering her. Left large parts of my life because she had made her choice, and as per her wish, I would stay out and influence her in that decision no more. Because, when you love someone enough, you will remove yourself from their presence if you believe that they desire it enough, or if you feel that you cause them to much distress. So, I basically had all the time in the world to do various mopy things. I made jokes in a journal on an almost daily basis. I averaged about three to four funny jokes in each page. I figured that was healthy.
A point? Need I make one? Does life have one?
Anyway, I threw myself into pursuits that I thought that she would have desired in me. I would make myself the person that she would have always wanted and would want again. I knew I was doing it. I wouldn't deny it. Yet I had no other direction to go in. So I ran with it.
As it were, that direction was music. Luckily I am actually quite musical. A couple months after the breakup, I bought a midi keyboard, and hooked it up to me computer. The next year I took music classes. I took to the theory classes quickly and earnestly. Well, not quite. You see I had this sleeping problem that had plagued me causing me to miss a substantial amount of class time in all subjects.
About 8 months after the traumatic breakup, I started dating someone else. By this time, I my mind had gone over every little nuance of our relationship, and I was convinced that I could love who I chose. So, I chose someone, made out with them repeatedly, yet it was all quite dry. hehe. Uh yeah.... So, four months of 'dating' this person and she broke up with me. I could have cared less. I didn't have anybody for booty calls which bothered me rarely. But I was free of a relationship that had no meaning for me.
During this time, I had bought my first musical tool. Reason 2.5. While not complete piece of production equipment, I nonetheless took to it quickly and earnestly. Made a couple of songs quickly, and made many more starts to songs. Very fulfilling stuff music.
Anyway, a couple of friends endeavored to set me up with dates during this time. I really wasn't very interested though as I was on this warpath to success. The kind of beat myself against my wall of obstacles until either it, or I went down. So I ignored all of the benefits of close relationship. Things like companionship, understanding etc. etc. Not a huge deal. I am a largely very independent person. So, I go on, buy a DVD on how to mix records together using turntables, and stay up all night long watching the how, they why and the who of turntablism. All in a convenient digital format. Anyway, not much happened with that. Over the summer I would for a long walk or a long rollerblading excursion, and using the energy 'high' I got from that to put down inspired bits of songs. Worked quite well. Some of my best stuff is after a nice four hour walk.
My life was basically work, eat, sleep, exerscise, and then plug away at a sequencing software.
So, the new school year rolls around, and I am still in computer science. Why? No clue. I'm probably just stubborn. So, I put a good foot forward, do well in classes for a month or so... and then one of my songs starts sounding really good. Really really good to my ears. I love it. So, I spend more and more time working on this piece that has caught my attention, and less on schoolwork, or other productive pursuits. Then I buy two turntables. With the amount of time I am spending doing homework, and working any freetime that I have, is like squeezing a weeks worth of recreation time into an hour. Every hour that I spent playing with music, or records was the greatest release. So relaxing, uplifting, and enjoyable. So, eventually, I start doing worse and worse in school, until I just up and drop out. (right around the launch of Halo 2; the game ended up being a major disappointment to me btw)
And pretty much right as I drop out I make a random phone call to these DJ/Producers up in Canada. A group called Shiloh. They like one of the first pieces that I had done and felt that I could 'do some damage' in the industry. This is all very heartening.
So, I bang away, stare away, and listen to my music over and over. I spin records on the turntables. I do whatever I can to try to take my music to the proverbial next level. All to no avail. So, tonight in the midst of working 55 hours in a week and getting little to no sleep the last couple of days, I realize that what I really want is just someone to hold. Someone to complain about the little annoyances in life that I pretend to be so far above to. Someone to cherish. Someone who doesn't listen to me, that has a personality as strong as mine.
I'm looking for love.
So, ultimately, in blindly pursuing success, I lost sight of life, and could'nt express feeling in music. Now I plan on looking for love and feeling and emotion in life, and then from those experiences, translate a different aspect of life into the realm of sonic emotion.
I've pretty much decided to not try to get to some ungodly level of cool. aka DJ producer look at me, I make music. You know you want me etc, I am going to approach women as I am a person who tries really hard to impossible things and statistically does better than most of the population, yet still needs the basic comforts and amenities of life.
And my fingers are tired. Thank you and good night! (morning)
Well, about three and a half years ago I began dating someone that I would fall deeply in love with. Over the course of four months, we had a rollercoaster ride of mis communication, understanding sympathy, respect, support, possessiveness, misguided advice, and many other things. All told, it was probably The most emotion fueled period in my life. EVER. Of course, she dumped me. :shock: For reasons that are as clear to me as they are foggy. At the time, I'm pretty sure she couldn't have nailed down the reasons either. Suffice to say, we put alot of the emphasis on the wrong things in our relationship. She was likely the personality type that is always clashing, yet drawn towards the intp.
Anyway, she broke up with me, yet I had no idea what to do with myself. I still loved her just as much as I did when we were still dating, yet I was left with this intense feeling by myself. It seemed absurd that I was socially not allowed to express this pure, selfless, love for another person. If you love somebody, the movies, books, and stories that are told far and wide, if you love someone enough, they will understand and come back to you.
Well, unfortunately, chick flicks are pretty damn unrealistic. She had no idea what my intentions were. Why I would awkwardly put myself in her presence. I would of course tell her why occasionally, and then she would break down and cry. Yes, very touching. Of course that was even more confusing for me. If you cried over me, just go out with me. It is obvious that feelings were still there, yet she held them back for reasons of her own. Bla bla bla, I digress.
Anyway, I became about as depressed as I and the personality that God has gifted me with can. I moped about acting depressed, feeling extremely bipolar while a part of me watched, detatched, almost amused, as I put on a brave face everyday to face a world which I couldn't have, which I wouldn't strive for. All because that which I wanted in the world didn't want me back. So, I avoided anything that might lead me to a chance encounter with her, I stopped seeing my friends that lived in the dorms, afraid of encountering her. Left large parts of my life because she had made her choice, and as per her wish, I would stay out and influence her in that decision no more. Because, when you love someone enough, you will remove yourself from their presence if you believe that they desire it enough, or if you feel that you cause them to much distress. So, I basically had all the time in the world to do various mopy things. I made jokes in a journal on an almost daily basis. I averaged about three to four funny jokes in each page. I figured that was healthy.
A point? Need I make one? Does life have one?
Anyway, I threw myself into pursuits that I thought that she would have desired in me. I would make myself the person that she would have always wanted and would want again. I knew I was doing it. I wouldn't deny it. Yet I had no other direction to go in. So I ran with it.
As it were, that direction was music. Luckily I am actually quite musical. A couple months after the breakup, I bought a midi keyboard, and hooked it up to me computer. The next year I took music classes. I took to the theory classes quickly and earnestly. Well, not quite. You see I had this sleeping problem that had plagued me causing me to miss a substantial amount of class time in all subjects.
About 8 months after the traumatic breakup, I started dating someone else. By this time, I my mind had gone over every little nuance of our relationship, and I was convinced that I could love who I chose. So, I chose someone, made out with them repeatedly, yet it was all quite dry. hehe. Uh yeah.... So, four months of 'dating' this person and she broke up with me. I could have cared less. I didn't have anybody for booty calls which bothered me rarely. But I was free of a relationship that had no meaning for me.
During this time, I had bought my first musical tool. Reason 2.5. While not complete piece of production equipment, I nonetheless took to it quickly and earnestly. Made a couple of songs quickly, and made many more starts to songs. Very fulfilling stuff music.
Anyway, a couple of friends endeavored to set me up with dates during this time. I really wasn't very interested though as I was on this warpath to success. The kind of beat myself against my wall of obstacles until either it, or I went down. So I ignored all of the benefits of close relationship. Things like companionship, understanding etc. etc. Not a huge deal. I am a largely very independent person. So, I go on, buy a DVD on how to mix records together using turntables, and stay up all night long watching the how, they why and the who of turntablism. All in a convenient digital format. Anyway, not much happened with that. Over the summer I would for a long walk or a long rollerblading excursion, and using the energy 'high' I got from that to put down inspired bits of songs. Worked quite well. Some of my best stuff is after a nice four hour walk.
My life was basically work, eat, sleep, exerscise, and then plug away at a sequencing software.
So, the new school year rolls around, and I am still in computer science. Why? No clue. I'm probably just stubborn. So, I put a good foot forward, do well in classes for a month or so... and then one of my songs starts sounding really good. Really really good to my ears. I love it. So, I spend more and more time working on this piece that has caught my attention, and less on schoolwork, or other productive pursuits. Then I buy two turntables. With the amount of time I am spending doing homework, and working any freetime that I have, is like squeezing a weeks worth of recreation time into an hour. Every hour that I spent playing with music, or records was the greatest release. So relaxing, uplifting, and enjoyable. So, eventually, I start doing worse and worse in school, until I just up and drop out. (right around the launch of Halo 2; the game ended up being a major disappointment to me btw)
And pretty much right as I drop out I make a random phone call to these DJ/Producers up in Canada. A group called Shiloh. They like one of the first pieces that I had done and felt that I could 'do some damage' in the industry. This is all very heartening.
So, I bang away, stare away, and listen to my music over and over. I spin records on the turntables. I do whatever I can to try to take my music to the proverbial next level. All to no avail. So, tonight in the midst of working 55 hours in a week and getting little to no sleep the last couple of days, I realize that what I really want is just someone to hold. Someone to complain about the little annoyances in life that I pretend to be so far above to. Someone to cherish. Someone who doesn't listen to me, that has a personality as strong as mine.
I'm looking for love.
So, ultimately, in blindly pursuing success, I lost sight of life, and could'nt express feeling in music. Now I plan on looking for love and feeling and emotion in life, and then from those experiences, translate a different aspect of life into the realm of sonic emotion.
I've pretty much decided to not try to get to some ungodly level of cool. aka DJ producer look at me, I make music. You know you want me etc, I am going to approach women as I am a person who tries really hard to impossible things and statistically does better than most of the population, yet still needs the basic comforts and amenities of life.
And my fingers are tired. Thank you and good night! (morning)