Help me write a story.

[ApeTheDog]

1. Preface

The soldier took a hasty last sip from his flask. Behind him, fathers, children, lovers. Before him, corpses - some breathing and fighting, some dead, but all of them corpses. He ran, and was shredded by a painful salvo of bullets that had not even been aimed at anyone, and was dead without his murderer having realized he was ever more than just a wrong uniform.

It was D-day. One of God's finest jokes. Thousands of people fighting over a tiny piece of beach which the winners don't even get to take home.

The soldier, obviously another one this time, hid behind one of the shingles. He was so damn tired of all the stress that he was almost, but not just quite yet, ready to storm forward despite all the bullets, to just die, and be done with his fear and doubt already. A mortar shell ended his dilemma

Mortars are giant grenades which fall from the sky into which they were fired, blow up when they reach the floor, and, without any bloodlust or intent, kill most of the things their fragments can reach.

The soldier died. Over and over again. Every second, he died several times.

He had no face. He had no name. He had no history, and no future. No defenses. No relief. He had only his gun, and he held on to it as long as he could.

2. Midpart

James has no face, no name, and no future. Just a depression. He is the most depressed person in the world. And if he's not, then he must at least be close enough. Nobody else has problems like he does. It's not fair.

"Why are they always picking on me? Why do they hate me? Why doesn't anybody besides me realise that they're all fake? That I'm the only real person in school?"

He puts on his necklace, his black T-shirt, his black pants, his black shoes and his black bracelet. Dons his mask.

He has no face. He had no name. He had no history, and has no future. No defenses. No relief. He has only his gun, and he plans to hold out as long as he can.

He'll make them all pay.

[ApeTheDog]

Any suggestions on where this story could go? I've basically just go a protagonist now, and some... perspective. I'll write whichever suggestions you have - nothing with trolls or darth vaders, though.

[Ashi, K?]

Perhaps a fanatic straps him/herself up and bombs an abortion clinic.

[xNTP]

Ape, it usually takes me a chapter or two until I get lost and have to reread the past few pages, but in all honesty, I'm not 100% of what's going on here.

So he's a ghost, living among other ghosts, who replays the same event (or events?) over and over, and dying in them over and over?

If yes, then maybe in each death he has something to learn, so lesson about reality (not just about "life"). One could be something about Quantum Mechanics, one about Buddhism, one about animals, one about his upbringing. It could be a process of unveiling his "true self" in each death, in each life going one step faster. Maybe it goes like this:

1. He uncovers that he is alive, and a ghost.
2. He realizes his past that got him up to that point.
3. He realizes how his past has made him who he is.
4. He see how he is a result of some cosmic intercourse.
5. He realizes [whatever it is people are supposed to realize, or could realize] at the end and something cool happens. He becomes this book? He's born? He dies? He never dies but is never born? Dunno.

[Prothero]

2. Midpart

James has no face, no name, and no future. Just a depression. He is the most depressed person in the world. And if he's not, then he must at least be close enough.

This might seem petty, and it is. Unless this is a yarn, or you intend for the narrator of the story to be unreliable, the quoted bit has a problem. The character can claim, and even believe that he is the most depressed person in the world, but when the narrator makes such a statement, and then follows up with evidence that it's not true, the reader may spend more time doubting than enjoying. Anyone who has experienced, or witnessed people with severe depression would notice this.

Otherwise it seems to be going somewhere, but nowhere I recognize, yet.

[LongSilence]

James has no face, no name, and no future.

? Perhaps best to say that he only is 'personless' when he dons the mask and his 'uniform'

But anyway, whats the comparison or connection between the soldier and James? Is it how they have a gun they cling to? Or just the nameless dying?


This might seem petty, and it is. Unless this is a yarn, or you intend for the narrator of the story to be unreliable, the quoted bit has a problem. The character can claim, and even believe that he is the most depressed person in the world, but when the narrator makes such a statement, and then follows up with evidence that it's not true, the reader may spend more time doubting than enjoying. Anyone who has experienced, or witnessed people with severe depression would notice this.


I assumed that the narrator was speaking almost from the perspective of the soldiers and then James. Thus speaking as they think without actually having to say 'He thought'

[chads]

I would have him die on his way to shooting them, in a completely impersonal way. Still leaves open the question, should his death enlighten those who destroyed his life, or should he fade into obscurity? Or maybe he could die and somehow everyone could misunderstand everything about James's life and death.

Very nice writing style, BTW.

[In...TP]

I think integrity holds a higher degree, honesty admits its unattainable.

[Prothero]

I assumed that the narrator was speaking almost from the perspective of the soldiers and then James. Thus speaking as they think without actually having to say 'He thought'

Agreed, except that forcing the reader to sort out when the narrator is speaking on behalf of the characters is risky for anything beyond a very short story. Especially true when the characters also speak for themselves, which appeared here:


"Why are they always picking on me? Why do they hate me? Why doesn't anybody besides me realise that they're all fake? That I'm the only real person in school?"

It is an interesting start, and a writer can get away with just about anything, but should know that they are doing it, and why.

[ApeTheDog]

This might seem petty, and it is. Unless this is a yarn, or you intend for the narrator of the story to be unreliable, the quoted bit has a problem. The character can claim, and even believe that he is the most depressed person in the world, but when the narrator makes such a statement, and then follows up with evidence that it's not true, the reader may spend more time doubting than enjoying. Anyone who has experienced, or witnessed people with severe depression would notice this.

Otherwise it seems to be going somewhere, but nowhere I recognize, yet.

There are other contradictions in there as well, such as his claim that he is the only real person in his peer group, whereupon he dons a form of teenage uniform and a mask.

"why can nobody else realise that everybody else is fake? That I'm the only real person" is of a similar nature as well - he blames others for not being able to see that he is a real person, but also calls everybody else fake.

Anyway, it's intentional. Kind of. James is a disturbed, confused individual.

[In...TP]

has there ever been a garden of eden? sure

[dunee]

could use a few more poppy fields...

I propose James forgets that its veterans day and a holiday, goes to school, and its empty. Then he's alone in the empty corridor and a metaphorical mortar hits. Whether he lives I leave up to you.

[LongSilence]

Or he suits himself up in his black gear, picks up his gun, ventures outside and finds... no-one at all. He might eventually find a whole lot of corpses. He then has to deal with the mix of emotions, thougts blah, blah, blah...

[Prothero]

Anyway, it's intentional. Kind of. James is a disturbed, confused individual.

That much was clear, and if the story develops well, it might explain away the narrator's overstatement as a reflection of empathy. There still isn't enough to make recommendations about where this should go, but given what you have so far, it seems unlikely you will need our help. Once given life, fictional characters lead, writers follow.