her escape [poem]

[bmw318tiChic]

I posted a topic a while ago asking for advice about my poems. I've gone through my poems, and have found one that I like. It may be too repetative or simplistic, I don't know. I am considering submitting this, but I don't know if it's good enough to win out of a possible 3000 people.

Opinions, advice, and criticism are more than welcome.

her escape

the sound of crashing waves
echoed in her ears as her feet
felt the soft sand
colorful shells scattered about
she finally found it
her escape

the almost blinding yellow petals
flowers up to her waist
her toes dug down into
the loose moist dirt
she finally found it
her escape

stars shining like city lights
the sound of wind blowing through the leaves
the touch of soft grass against her body
as she lay there
she finally found it
her escape

[mgb]

I really like simple poems, stuff from Robert Creeley and WCW.

I would cut it down to it's simplest form. It might be too simple though, I don't know. And it's not my poem, so I worry about going too far out on the limb. But it jumped out at me this way when I read it. Your way is good too and it is a good poem.

her escape

the sound of crashing
waves
echoed

her toes dug down
into
the loose moist
dirt

stars shining like
city lights

soft grass against
her body
as she lay there
she finally found it.

It's a little more "beat" this way, but it's not for everyone.




I posted a topic a while ago asking for advice about my poems. I've gone through my poems, and have found one that I like. It may be too repetative or simplistic, I don't know. I am considering submitting this, but I don't know if it's good enough to win out of a possible 3000 people.

Opinions, advice, and criticism are more than welcome.

her escape

the sound of crashing waves
echoed in her ears as her feet
felt the soft sand
colorful shells scattered about
she finally found it
her escape

the almost blinding yellow petals
flowers up to her waist
her toes dug down into
the loose moist dirt
she finally found it
her escape

stars shining like city lights
the sound of wind blowing through the leaves
the touch of soft grass against her body
as she lay there
she finally found it
her escape

[Geoff]

My take on this is that somewhere between the two would be the most compelling.

Some of the stanzas are a little too wordy as originally drafted, they need to be a little more punchy (at least I think so) if you want them to stand out.

However I think they are too abbreviated in MG's revised version.

Example :

"echoed in her ears as her feet"

Doesnt flow for me with the passive voice, if it was active like this ;

"Ears echoing as her feet"

Would be slightly punchier.

And I find MG's simple "echoed" slightly too punchy.

Creativety is all in the mind of the beholder, so in summary do what feels right, because everyone will have their own take. That was mine.

-Geoff

[bmw318tiChic]

Thank you very much for your suggestions. More are welcome from anybody!

[indie]

I would suggest taking out the prepositions and "telling" phrases. Poetry is all about squeezing as much of a "picture" in the mind's eye as possible by using the fewest words. "The sound of . . .in her ears" is unnecessary because "Crashing waves" already implies (1) sound (2) sound is heard in ears. "Her feet felt" is another telling phrase. You mention the toes in the sand, how that "feels" is a sensory detail. That implies her feet felt something, so you don't need to say "her feet felt." I'm picturing a girl, on the beach, twilight, but then you derail into flowers . . . flowers blooming at night? "Against her body" is not necessary because you say "soft grass." Only a body can "feel" if something is hard/soft. A better description might be "against her calves . . . or arm.

Paint a picture with words. The way the poet creates effect is similar to the way a painter paints. I'll post my poem The Primary Colors (http://forums.intpcentral.com/showpost.php?p=51148&postcount=5) after I finish this. . . it's a decent example of what I'm trying to explain. . . I think. :)

Hope that helped.






her escape

the sound of crashing waves
echoed in her ears as her feet
felt the soft sand
colorful shells scattered about
she finally found it
her escape

the almost blinding yellow petals
flowers up to her waist
her toes dug down into
the loose moist dirt
she finally found it
her escape

stars shining like city lights
the sound of wind blowing through the leaves
the touch of soft grass against her body
as she lay there
she finally found it
her escape

[mgb]

I agree about the active voice. It makes it seem like you are still on the "journey" of your escape, like the journey will last forever, rather than being something that already happened.


My girlfriend and I had a difference of opinion on what a poem should be. I say it should mean something to the writer, but be adaptable to everyone that reads it so they can make it their own experience. She thinks it should be for people to understand the writer's experience.

I admit that the "beat" version is pretty choppy, but I like that the waves echoeing gets pounded into you, because that's what waves do.

That could be a great exercise in this poem. Smooth out the soft parts (flower pedals and dirt) and make the punchy parts punchy. It gives a great sensory experience that might unconsciously inspire people.

[Shai Gar]

I really like simple poems, stuff from Robert Creeley and WCW.

World Championship Wrestling?

[Shai Gar]

My girlfriend and I had a difference of opinion on what a poem should be. I say it should mean something to the writer, but be adaptable to everyone that reads it so they can make it their own experience. She thinks it should be for people to understand the writer's experience.
quite simply, you are right, and she is wrong