How you met your spouse

[KentOhio]

Some of you are married, I know. My question is, how did it ever come to be? I know we INTPs are the most desirable people in the world and all, but how did you ever get your future spouse to notice? Any certain strategies? Was it luck or careful planning? Who proposed, and how? Was the relationship that led to marriage casual, whirlwind, long engagement, short engagement, etc...

[shaytana]

Being 28 and single I would like to hear this as well. I know we have a few older members on this board, share some wisdom?

[MacGuffin]

At a frat party. Woo hoo!

Seriously, I then saw her in one of my classes after the initial meeting. I was away from home at college for the first time and I was more extroverted at that time than normal. Thank God the internet was only available in the physics and math computer labs. Otherwise I'd still be alone.

We gradually got to know each other better as we hung out.

If you are already out of school, I do think it is harder. All of a sudden you aren't in a location with hundreds/thousands of other people your same age. Then it becomes: bars, work, social clubs/church. Much smaller pool.

Unless you can find people online. I have no idea how that works.

[Johnny]

I met mine while I attended college too, while participating in a non-profit student housing venture. We both considered each other to be rare finds. We had the same opinions on many issues, or at least were willing to accept the other's opinion, and became good friends way before we fell in love.

I still don't understand romantic love, to be honest. It makes as much sense to me as the scripts for all the romantic comedies out there - funny and fun, but ultimately an argument for absurdism. My wife tells me my confusion was the cause for the delay in our relationship's transition.:D

I'd throw out all the dating service options available and instead join whatever community service organization appealed to me - volunteering for a Habitat for Humanity project, joining a civic choir, or perhaps participating in a beach cleanup. I guess for me it's ultimately about giving yourself to another person, and organizations like this help one advertise his/her understanding of, and willingness for, this. If you do this, then marriage may be one of the "gates" you pass if you find another person of like mind and desire for you.

How'd that work as a plot device for the next romantic comedy?

[Avengardh]

Yes, I am interested in hearing these stories, perhaps then I will change my mind about marriage, right now, I don't really think much of it. Don't think I will think much of it later on in life either...I feel like I am 27 O.O

~*Aven*~

[Birdsnest]

Met my ex at a party that my dad was giving.

[file cabinet]

Being 28 and single I would like to hear this as well. I know we have a few older members on this board, share some wisdom?

do you want to be single?

[Strephonade]

He and I met in school, and somehow kept meeting up with one another all over the place. Finally decided we should talk to each other, and discovered we wanted to keep on talking, about everything.

Gradually got to know one another, and the rest came together on its own. Having a clear sense of myself, who I was, and the one for whom I was looking, matching up the interests, the characteristics, these were all factors, but ultimately, one has to dare to try, as with any goal. And then, you must remember not to be afraid, if suddenly, you discover you have wings.

[shaytana]

Being 28 and single I would like to hear this as well. I know we have a few older members on this board, share some wisdom?

do you want to be single?

I did once, but now no.
I just haven't found the right person (who was single too) and I would rather be alone than settle.

It is hard for me to find guys that I can fall in love with, and when I do they are either taken or live too far away.

but I did meet a guy last week, and we went on a date last night, a walk in the park until 2am - it was nice, dunno what is going to happen with that yet though.

[Vagabond]

It is hard for me to find guys that I can fall in love with, and when I do they are either taken or live too far away.
So damn true. Almost as if I typed it myself. ;)

MacGuffin mentioned that if, he had access to the internet at the time he would still be alone; well, my best relationship was with a guy I met in a chatroom. We talked every night for two years before we actually met and *ahem* - in a way I think it worked better than usually because the anonymity provided by the internet makes people feel more secure and share more about themselves. So eventually, you get to know each other better. Hell, you guys know more of my "important" stuff than anyone in my real life...

I am single by choice. I have been depressive for almost two years and really, all of my energy was turnt inwards to help me heal - no energy left for men and such... plus, like shay, I'd rather be alone than compromise my basic standards...

[Melody]

lol I do not want to be alone. When I hear people say they want to be alone, my impression is they say this as a defensive device because they are alone.

[Vagabond]

lol I do not want to be alone. When I hear people say they want to be alone, my impression is they say this as a defensive device because they are alone.
No really... it depends on what point you are at... I want to be alone right now, really do want to... I don't want to spend my entire life alone, though (I could take it, but it is not my dream of a life).... it all depends on what you need at the time.

[Avengardh]

I agree with Vaga, although I met my ex online he still had time to play mind-games with me and manipulate me (fairly good at it too, he was a Scorpio), but thankfully I realized this and moved away.

I seriously don't want to make the effort to start anything with anyone, that kinda scares me, but I think I am more independent than the average male is ready for.

Sleep on separate beds? I think so, there's no way I can sleep with anyone, I move around way too much at night.

~*Aven*~

[Melody]

If you were independent, how could he manipulate you?

[Melody]

Being with someone requires sacrificing some independence. I guess a good argument is that we are afraid of losing this independence. However, I still think this is rationalization and the pure truth is we are too self-conscious around people and afraid of what they will think of us. We are cowards. :D

[Vagabond]

However, I still think this is rationalization and the pure truth is we are too self-conscious around people and afraid of what they will think of us. We are cowards. :D
I'll drink to that.

[Jezebel]

lol I do not want to be alone. When I hear people say they want to be alone, my impression is they say this as a defensive device because they are alone.

I don't believe that's always the case. I was in one of those "I want to be alone" stages when I got into my current relationship. I made an exception for someone and even though this is the best relationship I've been in based on the other person, it's a horrible time for me to in a relationship. I think I deal with a lot of stress that I wouldn't have if I were alone right now. I'd say that things suck right now (again, not based on the other person), but I've kept it going just hoping that all of the outside circumstances in my life will be over with soon.

[nobarcode]

If this has been posted before, I haven't seen it. : http://www.typetango.com/ This is an interesting part of the site : http://www.typetango.com/statistics.php
Somewhere, I found this too.:
Factoids


People tend to marry similar rather than dissimilar types. This happens more often than would be expected by chance. — MBTI Manual, 3rd edition, 1998
In general, INFJ, INFP and INTP types tend to be the most dissatisfied with marriage or intimate relationships, while ENFJ, ESFP and ESFJs are most satisfied. — MBTI Manual, 3rd edition, 1998

INTP men tend to have the lowest percentage of relationships in which both partners were satisfied. — MBTI Manual, 3rd edition, 1998
Extroverted and introverted types can have vastly different expectations for a Friday night. At the end of a tiring work week, extroverts are often eager to go out and socialize. Introverts need to stay at home to recharge their batteries. — "Life Types," Warner Books, 1989
*added bold text :rolleyes:

No, I'm not on that site. And being 35 and still single, the only wisdom I have is in regards to what NOT to do.

[Melody]

So depressing! I don't want to be thirty without someone. I'd rather kill myself. Fuck it, I'll do it right now. *overdoses on magnesium tablets*

[Avengardh]

If you were independent, how could he manipulate you?

I said I am independent, I'm not exactly the same person that I was back then, people change.

Aside from the fact that this was emotional manipulation, I had broken up with the only person that I felt close to loving.
I was vulnerable emotionally, it's easier to manipulate someone when they are in that state.


Being with someone requires sacrificing some independence. I guess a good argument is that we are afraid of losing this independence. However, I still think this is rationalization and the pure truth is we are too self-conscious around people and afraid of what they will think of us. We are cowards. :D

Personally, I never told this person I was with that I was all good and no dark, and I didn't really cared about what he thought of me, I gave it to him straight, which is why we didn't last together, aside from the short-manipulation.

And yeah, I don't want to lose that independence, which is why I don't want to be with anybody right now. ^_^

~*Aven*~

[Pati]

Let's see..it was so long ago that I was married. I knew him in high school and started going out with him after we graduated and were both going to go to college. I finished, he never did. I was way too young and unsure of myself to be married. He married a girl nearly 10 years younger than he was less than 9 months after we divorced and she was pregnant!
I've been single ever since though I've had some relationships and dated quite a bit in the years following my divorce. I'm pretty happy with my single life, though at times I sure do miss having a great companion around. Someone to share things with, go places, laugh together, plan and plot together, all the usual stuff. Since I moved to a smaller town I've been unable to meet many single hetero guys near my age at all. They are all either married at work or younger. There have been lots of people where I work who have met there and later married, but so far no luck for me!
I think I could be successfully married if the right guy came along. I don't have many illusions left, but who knows?

[int]

High school. We had Chemistry class together.

It was a sort of self-paced class and I was behind. One day I decided to work the system, so to speak, and sat in front of the computer (one of the units in the course was a computer tutorial), acting like I didn't know how to use it. She bought it and helped me out and we got to talking. My band covered one of her favorite songs.

I dropped the class 2 weeks later.

A few months afterwards I saw her in between classes and asked if she wanted to come to our show the following weekend. She showed up but I lost her afterwards and didn't get to spend any time with her. She ended up hanging out with my drummer, who was decent enough to give her my number.

The only decent thing a drummer's ever done (besides not piss on my shoes, but there's still time). :)

I asked her out after tracking her down after lunch a couple days later.

9.6 years later and we're almost parents. :)

We've never broken up...heh, she tried once but I said no. We got engaged after an arguement about when we should get engaged. We went to a friend's house for a social gathering and I took the G string off of his bass guitar and made a ring out of it. We walked to Pearl Street in Boulder, CO and I asked her there, in front of everybody.

The first year was a little rough but we pulled through.

We're pretty sure she's an ENFP so there's a lot of funny things that happen in our lives, but it's ours and we like it.

Aragh....Thanks for bringing it up. I'm on the road and I really miss her. :(

:)

[KentOhio]

High school. We had Chemistry class together.

So you might say, there was chemistry between you. :rofl:

[HairlessBluetick]

So you might say, there was chemistry between you.

:rofl:

[lauriep]

I met mine right after high school. I knew his mother and she set us up.
I was at a bad time, preferring one night stands to real initimacy. I only met him for the day and then left for college. We had planned to go to lunch but he changed his plans and couldn't. Probably a good thing since he would have just become another "notch on my lipstick case." We spent the next year 2,000 miles apart with only letters and phone calls (before mutually accessible email or internet access). Eventually we got together and were engaged two weeks later.
We just recently celebrated our ten year anniversary.

[Spartan26]

We got engaged after an arguement about when we should get engaged. We went to a friend's house for a social gathering and I took the G string off of his bass guitar and made a ring out of it. We walked to Pearl Street in Boulder, CO and I asked her there, in front of everybody.


WOW, what a coincidence! Last time I was out on the Pearl Street Mall, I asked someone to marry me in front of a large group of people. I don't know what her name was, but she was beautiful. :wub: :wub: :wub: She just smiled, shook her head and quietly kept walking. Gotta love Mall Crawl for Halloween. :cheers:

Of course that was back in college. Being more serious about my Christian walk, I'd never engage in such lewd behavior now.

I'd at least ask for her name first. *rim shot*

[spirilis]

Being 28 and single I would like to hear this as well. I know we have a few older members on this board, share some wisdom?

do you want to be single?
This is the most revealing question to me, 'cause while I ponder why I can't get any girl's interest or adequately show mine towards her, I realize I don't *really* want to add someone to my life in such a way.

[purple13]

Sleep on separate beds? I think so, there's no way I can sleep with anyone, I move around way too much at night.

My parents slept in separate beds... separate bedrooms even, for the same reason. My dad moved around way too much. Soooo... it's not so odd?

[int]

Heh.

When she's here I'm on the edge of the bed, grabbing some space.

When she's gone I'm on the couch with the dogs, cuz i can't sleep in bed without her. :mellow:

[purple13]

I still don't understand romantic love, to be honest. It makes as much sense to me as the scripts for all the romantic comedies out there - funny and fun, but ultimately an argument for absurdism. My wife tells me my confusion was the cause for the delay in our relationship's transition.:D

I want to make sure I understand what you're saying. She didn't/doesn't think you're romantic enough? Do you think it's because of your T preference over F?

[Ckyzxr]

My best friend's girlfriend wanted to monopolize ALL of his time so she set me up with one of her co-workers in the hope that I would go out with her and be out of the picture for a while. She thought we might hook-up because we had a similar twisted sense of humor. I was 29 at the time and so was my blind date. She had been divorced about a year by then.

We hit it off pretty well despite me being such a poor romantic and an all-around dork. She said she felt more comfortable with me because of those traits, she knew I wasn't a player. She said she knew I was honest because I often said the wrong thing with the right intentions.


We got engaged after an arguement about when we should get engaged.

I know this one, our first huge blowout was an argument about getting engaged, I already had it planned but was so good at hiding it that she thought I wasn't ever going to ask her. Almost ruined our relationship.

Engagement lasted 1 1/2 years, we got married 2 1/2 years after we met. 4 1/2 years of marriage and we've had some seriously rough times. We seen marriage counselors and have barely pulled through to get where we are today. We are doing much better but its often a real struggle for me due to my INTPness. I first thought she was a P but she's an ISFJ through and through. I'm willing to bet that INTP and ISFJ are not common marriages, we don't match much on anything except for our introverted tendencies. If she were E, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have made it.

[synchronous]

How did it ever come to be? - My first husband, we met in university via a high school friend of mine who lived on the same dorm floor.

My present husband was my ex-husband's colleague at work who happen to live across the street. We started seeing each other after I separated from my first husband. My husband said he had long been interested in me. I had no absolutely no idea. Apparently, he had shared his feelings with everyone on the street, and was fretting over the close proximity. I was the last to know. lol I'm typically clueless about such things, I spend so much time in my head.

I typically have no strategy when it comes to relationships. I don't spend any time writing up criteria or trying to make a mate fit my vision. It often just happens. Maybe I should spend more time thinking about it though. Since I've been married a couple of times, I suppose you can surmise this area is not my strength. :rofl: Better yet, say that I believe in serial monogamy! I have major issues around space and independence, and I'm not sure I believe in the institution of marriage. I experienced the full marital commitment, including the formal church wedding, and the house with the white picket fence - i hated it. This commitment is very different - had a civil ceremony, very loosely structured commitment. We make it what it is - we don't let society dictate or define it. We've been living on different continents for the most part of the last 5.5 years, communicating daily via internet - email, im, webcam and telephone, traveling to and from to spend time with each other in the physical plane. It suits me much better. I think he would prefer more time together. I think so long as the commitment is loosely structured and defined, it will work out in the long term.

[Groty]

Being with someone requires sacrificing some independence. I guess a good argument is that we are afraid of losing this independence. However, I still think this is rationalization and the pure truth is we are too self-conscious around people and afraid of what they will think of us. We are cowards. :D

I agree with that, though I am trying to deal with it. I can't exactly grab a woman and whisp her away to somewhere alone to express my feelings.

Regardless, I compensate. Have different women in my life to satisfy my emotional, physical, and intellectual needs. Can't seem to find everything in one package. Dunno if I ever will.

[Misty_Kye]

My husband and I were email pen pals for about 6 months before meeting. The first couple of times we went out were more as friends then dates. I think he had a bit of a struggle dealing with a non-romantic female, but he managed to do the right things.

All of the guys I had gone out with previously seemed to do the standard “dating” things: flowers, candy and on occasion jewelry. Personally, I like flowers, but I don’t see how killing one expresses love, I like candy but can get sick on it real easy, and I don’t like jewelry (I never saw the point). Hey some women love this stuff, just not me.

On one hand I realize that dating isn’t easy for guys and I appreciated the effort. On the other hand, it was still annoying that even after months of dating they never took the effort to find out what mattered to me.

My husband actually took the time to find things we were mutually interested in (tours, Museums, Bookstores, etc…) We would talk and discuss what we were doing and I still love hearing his ISTP perspective. He is never judgmental about my opinions even when he does not agree. Most of all he makes me laugh. I don’t think a week has gone by that he hasn’t made me laugh so hard I cry.

We discussed getting married and he said that he would like to marry me but wanted me to “trick” him into asking. He wasn’t mean or condescending about it, he just wanted to make it fun. I told him that I don’t need to trick him he’ll trick himself. About two weeks later he starts laughing and says “I was just trying to imagine how you are going to trick me into saying ‘Will you marry me?”. I look at him, smiled and said “Hon, you just said it.” Even after three years the memory of the look on his face still makes me laugh.