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Warrior413
12 Feb 2005, 06:45 AM
It was a dark night, as black as the heart of a Southern senator. Rain was pouring down so hard it was as if God had twenty-seven cups of coffee that morning. The only thing you could see on that grim night was a shadow lounging on the corner. It was Harry McKillen. And he had a job to do, that very night.

Finally, the last light in the old apartment building across the street slowly flickered out like the beating heart of a puppy hit by a car. All was quiet. Now was his chance. Harry slowly sauntered across the street, taking care to not attract attention. To an untrained observer he was merely an alcoholic bum, making a living by stopping pedestrians and threatening to urinate on their shoes if they didn't pay him a dollar. But in reality, Harry McKillen was a well-trained assassin schooled in the arts of silent killing and post-modernism. He also has several cats. In any event, this deadly beast of a man of a bum made his way to the entrance of the Roderick Hillenstoff apartment complex.

His concealed and silenced pistol was firmly held in his hand, inside his trenchcoat (which he bought on sale for $39.99 at The Well Dressed Agent only two months prior) as he slowly opened the door. His target was Jeramiah "Two Hands" Johnston, who was a drug runner while playing as a part-time drummer with the country music band Johnny Reb and the Triple Kays. At this time no one was awake, and McKillen silently walked up the stairs to room 211, dodging with ease the skateboard precariously positioned at the top of the staircase. His hand firmly grasped the handle and pulled do-. Shit. It was locked.

McKillen looked for his pick-pocketing kit... then realized he left them in his other pair of pants. He thought to himself, "Don't worry McKillen. We've been through these situations before, we just gotta deal with it. Yes, well that's quite all right for you to say, you're not here. Yes I am, as are you. Oh... right." Having made up his minds, Harry then knocked loudly on the door. "Room service!" After a minute he heard from inside... "Wha'? It's four in the morning!" Harry thought quickly. "Yes, but I have mints for your pillows. They're... uh... quite good. Chocolatey. Yes, yummy... in fact I think I just might eat them all up right here!" Jeramiah quickly ran to the door and opened it up. "Wait, I want min-..."

He was staring into a barrel of a gun.

To Be Continued... (?[Er, well I might as well.{It's not like I have any particular reason not to.}])

Well... I had one of my bursts of random creativity a little bit ago... this was originally going to be a journal entry but the site went down a half hour ago.

Avengardh
12 Feb 2005, 06:50 AM
Haha, minty too? ^_-

Warrior413
13 Feb 2005, 02:24 AM
As minty as a suitable simile.

Clara
13 Feb 2005, 02:45 AM
LOL Warrior413 ( why limit yourself to one genre, eh ? ;) )

Edit : forgot to say : it's fun ( I like the abbreviated quality, too - reminds me of a story by ... oh, his name is escaping me ... his short stories have been published in EQMM, or another magazine ... argh - lol - I haven't read enough fiction in too long a while, it seems :( )

flan2dave
13 Feb 2005, 02:52 AM
That's a cool piece warrior, you're a fine writer. :)

Ascending
13 Feb 2005, 04:48 AM
Name on my union card says Bullet, Tracer Bullet. I keep my pistol loaded and the case of whiskey keeps me loaded.

Fond of Mr.Watterson. A Calvin and Hobbes alter ego.

Love that smokey film noir feel Warrior.

Warrior413
13 Feb 2005, 04:50 AM
Heh, thanks everyone. Yes, I was going for the cheese-coated film noir story with a healthy dose of similes and metaphors.

QrioCT
13 Feb 2005, 05:32 AM
hah...
"it was raining as though God had 27 cups of coffee..." and
"people who threaten to urinate on your shoe if you didn't give them money."

were you satiring? either way i was laughing my head off.

Warrior413
13 Feb 2005, 05:46 AM
hah...
"it was raining as though God had 27 cups of coffee..." and
"people who threaten to urinate on your shoe if you didn't give them money."

were you satiring? either way i was laughing my head off.
Yeah, it was satire. That and a story isn't funny unless it contains at least two instances of urination. :ph34r: Proven fact.

Sackanaka
13 Feb 2005, 05:53 AM
I felt like I was looking at the pages of an actual comic book. The imagery + flow = :D

Clara
13 Feb 2005, 06:03 AM
Warrior413 - Might the translation of that be, "okay, everyone can stop talking to me about this now - I'm starting to find this increasingly annoying, and not in a "fun" way :ph34r: " ??? :)

Warrior413
13 Feb 2005, 06:07 AM
Hahah no, not at all, I'm exceedingly vain and thrive on comments. Post away!

PsiKik
25 Feb 2005, 12:00 PM
Hilarious, love the "black as the heart of a Southern senator" bit.

Warrior413
4 Mar 2005, 07:16 AM
As the sun was beginning its slow ascent like a hippy getting on the
ground elevator of the Stairway to Heaven, Jeramiah "Two Hands" Johnston found himself face to face with his would-be executioner: Harry McKillen. Everything stood still as if the gears of time were jammed with the molasses of bureaucracy.

"What? How did you find me..." stammered Jeramiah, as he considered asking for a quick change of underwear. "It was easy, see. I knew all about your operation from day one. I bet you think you were so clever, playing drummer with Johnny Reb and the Triple Kays by night, and running drug deals by day. Well are you grinning now, chum?" McKillen paused for a moment to look smug in an "I'm not bragging" kind of way. "Two Hands" Johnston took advantage of this opportunity to slowly reach for his gun on the bank of his belt, using his legendary second hand while stalling for time... "Well actually it was the other way aro-" "Quiet, 'Two Hands'! Your time is up. It looks to me that you're plum out of luck, chum." McKillen adjusted his gun menacingly, as if to say "I have no reason not to kill you now, the only reason I don't is because I secretly enjoy gloating". Jeramiah's second hand had now grasped his gun. "Well McKillen, perhaps we can work out some kind of HAH!!!"

JJ then went into a backflip forwards and landed smoothly on the railing for some reason. Then he turned and fired at McKillen, who had obviously been expecting this all along. McKillen dived to the right while firing with such speed/slowness it was as if God himself was a Matrix fan and relatively interested in this turn of events. "You'll never get me, McKillen!" yelled JJ as he covered behind a conveniently located pillar. But our man Harry was ready. Recalling the skateboard left on the stairs, Harry did as any juvenile delinquent would do. Dodging bullets which consistently missed by mere inches much like the way politicians dodge accusations, Harry landed at the bottom of the stairs. After executing a complicated assassin technique referred to in layman's terms as "falling on your ass", Harry dived behind a tattered sofa.

Both men reloaded and stopped to catch their breath. "You can't win, McKillen!" JJ exclaimed in the tones of one whose criminal expertise consists of looking mean to old ladies and short-changing customers. "The wise man is he, who through not winning, gains victory." stated Harry, like all good little assassins pretending to be psuedo-philosophers. "That doesn't even make any sense!" JJ retorted. "No, grasshopper, it makes more cents than a beggar after a particularly stirring Sunday mass." While JJ considered this solemnly, Harry suddenly leapt up and sprinted to JJ's special happy pillar, with the speed of a sugar-high toddler. Just as Harry spun around, a shot rang out. JJ fell to the floor, dead as the soul of an African dictator.

And there, standing on the upper floor, was a dark silhouette.

To Be Continued...

Warrior413
4 Mar 2005, 07:17 AM
Well I kind of had to finish it up quickly, but I wanted to keep writing this stuff and haven't had much time to. Thanks for the comments, everyone.