The Neverending Story [ Resume of parallel 'Since no one has done this' thread ]

[Division56]

There was once a chicken named André, he was so tired so he decided to take a nap on the nearest shadowy mountain. On the way there, he encountered....

a small shrew. The shrew's name was Charlie, aka, Charlie the shrew.

Normally, Andre thought, shrews do not inhabit this part of the mountains. Andre wondered if the shrew is a traveller like himself. Certainly the shrew would find a chicken's appearance in these parts all the more perplexing.

Charlie told Andre that a bunch of dark clouds were closing in on their location, like a pack of vicious herbivores ready to shade a helpless patch of grass. They sought shelter and found...

..a cavern, full of conveniently glowing crystals, since that's how these things work. Thunder rumbled behind them, along with the first drops of rain.

The cavern provided admirable shelter from nature's feircer elements. They quickly engaged in interesting and socially stimulating conversation.

Being some distance from their respective homes, this tended to centre around how they'd arrived.

"That's a very long story, starting with the rabid yak at the carnival."
It was.

At length, the chicken noticed it was standing on something other than rock or dirt.

"What's this yellow stuff ?" she asked of no-one in particular, yet with such emphasis that each considered the question a direct challenge. Yet really she was merely astounded that it was not, as she had hoped, corn, and had scarcely noticed in her anguish the arrival of the ferret and the fox.
After the fox had assured everyone that gold was not edible by anyone...

André thought to himself "Whoa, I can change sex at will!", they sat around chatting about the old ways, when one could walk around with nothing on and, well, just be an animal.

"Today we have to *wear* clothing, it's unheard of" - The chicken added.

Suddenly it started to rain....

which seemed very peculiar seeing as they were all inside of a cave, but everyone soon noted it wasn't raining in the cave, the cave was merely leaky. The ferret being a woman of structural engineering noted that yellow glowing crystals acted as very good pillars, but foundations of gold are not always stable.

Low and behold...

The roof to the front of the cave began to collapse. They all ran to the back of the cave realizing it leads in to three tunnels. The go into the middle tunnel and find..........

the cave of The Mole People. The Mole People were alarmed at this intrusion. They quickly surrounded the adventurers and offered them a complimentary continental breakfast.

Which they accepted gratefully; for some reason the moles insisted on the ferret having six helpings, after which he fell asleep in the fox's lap. The fox then told them the story of his life, by which time it was lunch-time. The ferret woke up and ate heartily ( the moles discreetly counting their numerous off-spring afterwards ) and then exclaimed:

"We have to..." Suddenly, the ferret's guts started pouring out of its stomach. Andre and the shrew ran to its feet, grabbing its intestines and trying to keep them inside the ferret. The fox...

...yells, "Ohmygod, there's something inside there!!"

The ferret gurgles and vomits: "Grhhhgllbblhhhph..."

"Ooohh..." says the shrew, feeling a bit wobbly....

Then the magic butter-fly flew into the cave and waved its magical wings at the ferret and all the gorge and gore magically flew back into its rightful place. "Behold" said the magic butter-fly "I healed him using The Blood of Jeessusss!"

Suddenly, the ferret's guts pour out again in a bloody, relentless avalanche. They pour out so fast, they are projected across the floor and trip a bunch of moles who were watching the TV show...

The ferret lays dying in Andre's wings. The others look on in horror and revulsion. Suddenly the ferret and the bloody mess vanishes. The mole people......

Watched the TV show "Rescue 911."

"Is there anything we can do to save him?" one of the mole people asked not realizing the ferret was dead and gone. The they all heard a low growl and saw to red orbs that were glowing like fireballs from hell.



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[Division56]

The red orbs turned out to be Borg drones! They quickly came and assimilated the ferret, saving his very life.

Meanwhile, at the other end of Earth, a young child chases a...

small purple butter-fly.

Which turned into a giant bubble and took the child away to...

the cave of the mole people, where andre and the others where. The ferret now alive and happy decided that they should press on and try to find a way out of the cave. They walk into a another dark tunnel. A naseoating smell came to their noses and they heard some dread ful noises. They suddenly realize what the stench and the awful sounds were coming from. It was a......

diet pepsi, left open for the last thirty-eight years. There was a huge fractal structure of sugar growing out of its opening. Tiny ants crawled all over it, pecking at it to get to its resources. The structure had many things inside of it, including pennies, underwear, and people. The people were wide-eyed and...

somehow felt strangely drawn towards the sticky tower. Only Andre and Charlie had the good sense to stay behind. As for all the others, they seemed to be in a trance-like state, walking ever-closer to the gooey fractal. Only after reaching it did they find out...

it was a portal to another world. Unfortunately this other world was based on Las Vegas, so they returned immediately, except for those who accepted the free snacks, which trapped them there until a saviour would come to rescue the inhabitants. Charlie and Andre were waiting for them, and they all decided to go down another tunnel.

So there they stood, this time with 5 tunnels to choose from. Charlie the shrew keenly eyed a centipede skampering off into one of the tunnels. Knowing full-well that centipedes are not only the beloved food of shrews, but also of chickens and Mole People, Charlie kept this sighting to himself. With dreams of his own private centipede feast, Charlie said, "Let's take this tunnel," and they all followed. "Why did you choose this tunnel, Charlie?," they asked. So he answered back...

"I listened to a lot of Eminem when I was young." Everyone nodded understandingly. They reached a door that was locked. The child..

karate kicked the door down. "I am a black belt", the child said beaming with pride. Inside side the room their was a blue substance with little orange creatures, with huge teeth swimming in it. Andre and one of the mol-people edged in a little closer to examine the glowing blue liquid, all of the sudden the mole person lost his footing and fell in. He was covered in the stuff, and began to......................

spontaneously explode. Everyone shreeked and began feeling dizzy. Something strange was happening. But what? The child...

took out a needle and shot up with heroin. Then he said "Now I feel better."

The moles and the rest edged away from the blue pool where the orange creatures were doing a square dance in formation swimming. Picking up the child's limp body they exited the room praying for their fallen comrade; once they were through the door they saw...

" . . . they saw KISS in concert and-"

"I don't give a fuck about your imaginary world, dude," said his friend. "I told you to lay off the mescaline, dammit. You took too much - wot the fuck is a mole-people? Andre . . . Andre the chicken? Christ, d'you wanna have everyone lookin' at us? and stop doing the chicken dance, you're not one!

"You're spazzing out, man - you almost shot up that 9 year old over there with smack, goddammit. His mother was freaking out. I had to tell her it was just the sick joke of some epileptic lunatic.

"Now try to act normal," he said helping Andre navigate the precarious terrain of marble stairs. "We need to get a loan for the . . ."

"...Mini MG Turbo we want to buy. How else are we going to become professional race car drivers?" It was an incredible plan. They were planning on buying a car to race people and win money. It was a flawless plan. Triplefists "John" Mac n' Twats, the guy who used to beat them up all the time in grade school, had already challenged them to a race.

They reached the floor they wanted to reach, and walked to the door they wanted to walk to. They opened the door with their hands. Inside...

was a chicken covered in glowing blue goo. It touched Andre and shrieked a piercing cry that made everyones ears bleed. Andre noticed that their was green moldy fur growing on him. It began to eat at him. Andre........

Pecked at it and ate it as he exclaimed:
"Mmmm, brings back memories of home"

The moldy-fur stopped forming and everyone was anxious to leave but André announced:
"Just give me a few seconds to peck at it until I form some stylish pants!"-He did just as he said, and *man*, no one would have ever guessed he was a chicken dressed like that, James Bond looked like a fool compared to him.

At that instant, the mole people bowed before him...it seemed André was the long lost God of the...

nazrats, the sworn enemy of the mole people. Only a god of the nazrats can grow green moldy fur pants that glow. The mole people became so furious that they wanted to kill Andre, unless Andre can prove he has no affiliation to the nazrats. Andre decided to.................

...reverse the polarity of the local gravity field.


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His planned worked, but not only was everyone floating, the moles were extremely pissed off. Andre put the poles of gravitation back and everyone was on the ground. The moles were about to kill Andre when an army of nazrats dressed in pink leotards flooded the moles cave. The nazrats decided to........

... use an ancient spell to summon an abomination from the Far Realms of Insanity. How the nazrats were intelligent enough to understand the esoteric writings of Daruth Winterwood, and more how they attained such objects, was baffling. The nazrats quickly made an arch-shaped door and carved 42 runes around the door in order to call the Dweller Beyond the Treshold...

the Dweller was out to lunch. Inside was a green glowing, moldy cheese sandwich that smelled like turtle excrement. One of the mole people picked it up. A nazrat snatched it away from him, and took a large bite. "Mmmm, the power of cheese" the little pink leotard rodent said wile munching on the filthy disgusting nuclear cheese sand wich. Suddenly the moldy cheese eating nazrat.....................................

was picked up by the Dweller From Beyond The Threshold. The Dweller held the little creature in between his giant thumb and forefinger. "Who dare desecrate the Sacred Sandwich of Old!" the Dweller exclaimed. "I shall have to punish you, your children, and your children's children!" The nazrat squirmed within the Dweller's strong grasp. Seeing this opportunity, Andre and Charlie, along with the mole people, .....

...dashed between the Dweller's feet and through the doorway...

While holding their noses as they discovered the floor was covered with rotten fruit. The mole- people forgave Andre. The green moldy pants disapeared and everyone rejoiced. Sudddenly the fox vomited from the smell. The Dweller turned around, popped the nazrat in his mouth and swallowed him whole. The Dweller skipped toward Andre and the others with an angry glare. He...............

said, "You can't leave without signing my guestbook!" Knowing what the consequences would be, they all agreed to sign the giant's guestbook. The fow even left a nice little doodle. Unfortunately, the Dweller misinterpreted the doodle. "How dare you draw that!" the Dweller said. As a result of your inappropriate behavior, I shall have to....

... duel you to the death in a doodling contest!" After the moles had had time to place their bets, and the fox was charged and ready to go, they found the Dweller in the back room punching itself in the gut! Appearantly the nazrat was making it's way back up! The moles again started placing bets, but the fox was already ...

The ferret, who had mysteriously respawned as a evil doom ferret doom zombie of doom a few yards away, leapt back into the circles of light from the crystals and...

..was thoroughly congratulated by the mole people on his timely return and updated on the odds (176:1, Dwellers' favour). Meanwhile the fox was already running, in hopes of making it to another zip code. Andre - who had $20 riding on the outcome of the match - jumped onto his back and suceeded only in being carried along.

Through a couple of doors and a maze of hallways, the foxes' path was blocked by a greenish-purple ooze. A label floated past in just-legible handwriting: 'shoggoth cutting - not rooted'.

An eyeball appeared in the mass, then another..

had already made it back to the street and was waving for a cab. "Screw you and all your mushroom licking friends!" The fox reached for the handle of a cab and was pushed out of the way by some lady with way too much mousse.
"Watch it, pal. I was here first!" The lady hissed.
"Hey, aren't you Rikki Lake?" The fox stood befuddled.
"What's it to yo...Hey, he's wearing fur! Get him!"

Out of nowhere, a band of co-dependent, obsessive complusive, pill poppers lunged out of the shadows. They tried to circle the fox when...

... the Dweller, out-of-breath from the chase and covered in green ooze with eyeballs poking out, picked up Rikki Lake and ate her, making sure to chew this time. The Dweller looked pretty torn up from his fight with the nazrat. To the moles' disgust, they had eventually called it a draw. Without thier leader, the co-dependent, obsessive compulsive, pill poppers had a strange off-topic conversation about 9's pretending to be 5's at some place called intpcentral.com. Appearantly it was really funny, but the fox didn't get it. The fox and Andre throught they had a great chance to escape when the evil doom ferret doom zombie of doom teleported in and ...

questioned André about his family values.
"I bet you haven't sent money back home in ages!"

André looked down and sniffled.
"I wanted to bring home the world...but...all I could do was bring back more seed..."

The ferret thought he was pathetic, so it decided to sprout wings and conquer the world.
Meanwhile back at home, André's little brother, Jovi, who was known for his divination powers (among other things) finally found out where his beloved older brother was. In a flash of crimson light he vanished only to find himself right next to his brother and said...

.. "Andre, I'm known for my divination powers (among other things), and a ferret sprouting wings is an ill omen spoken of in 'D&D Core Rulebook Gift Set, Version 4'". Andre was more concerned, however, that Jovi's crimson flash was edging on the sanguine-side, and wondered if Jovi might be losing his touch. When confronted, Jovi ...

had the nerve to peck at his brother's neck.
"Owie..."-André exclaimed-"I'm sorry that I am not as famous as you little brother! At least I am not losing my touch when I teleport!"

Jovi gasped, as this offended him inmensely.
"How DARE you?! First of all, last I checked, you CAN'T teleport, and second of all, I came here to rescue you!"

André felt the anger rising...rising...and....

the mole people saw a chance to place more bets. The majority of them sensed that a full-scale cockfight was imminent. Most of the mole people favored Jovi, on the condition that...

... André really couldn't teleport and that André would accept the name "Andre" since the moles had a hard time finding the "é" on thier keyboards. The Dweller, to stir things up, grabbed a couple moles and started munching on them. Distracted, André and Jovi began scolding the Dweller. The Dweller couldn't just eat everyone because there wouldn't be anyone left. One of the moles used Ctrl+Y to kill the Dweller and accessed the CLUAConsole to respawn the moles. André, sensing the power of the moles' keyboards, ...

decided that maybe he can kill the evil ferret of doom. He pressed Ctrl+Y to attempt and kill the ferret. The ferret wasn't not slain, instead the ferret grew to an enormus size. "HA ha, you stupid fool! You only made my powers stronger! Now you shall die! " The ferret screamed with his eyes blazing like the fire from hell. Just when the ferret was about to kill andre, a group of P51 Mustangs came to the rescue. The killed the ferret by.............

being whisked off to the Bermuda Triangle and carrying him along --- for a short part of the time --- in their vortex. Andre and Jovi fell into each other's wings "Brother ! they squawked in unison; "We must never fight again." said Jovi heavily moved. "Never" cried out Andre.

The Mole-people looked revolted. All bets were off. As the two birds began discussing their chickhood, the fox decided...


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[int]

to play a violin. Every one was happy until they saw a large flying bunny with huge gaping jaws. It was about to eat the fox when a P51 shot it down. Thinking the rabbit was dead a mole went to examine it. The bunny licked him up and crushed the poor critter with his iron jaws. The bunny started to get up. It growled and licked it s chops. Andre and the others saw the P51 coming back to do a bombing run on the bunny. They ran and head for cover. The Mustang dropped a couple bombs on the fearsome beast. The rabbit exploded. The airplane landed by Andre. They all cheered and were happy that the evil demonic thing was gone. The they looked on in horror when they saw what came out of the dust. There were now two large evil bunnies with large gaping jaws and piercing blood red eyes. A bunny grabbed jovie by the leg. Andre...................

was glad it was jovie, a stuffed version of Jovi. Since Charlie somehow disappeared and was no longer being referenced, André took the opportunity to return the memory allocated to Charlie to the heap so it could be reused, then ...

looked over and noticed the pilot coming out of the P-51. The pilot was not a human. Instead, the plane had been guided by...

George Bush. "Freeze Suckers !" squeaked the president, "Anyone suspected of grand malfesence against my person shall be held as Illegal Combatants, denied access to our legal system, such as it is, and dressed in orange jumpsuits. Where's the oil ?"

George Bush. "Freeze Suckers !" squeaked the president, "Anyone suspected of grand malfesence against my person shall be held as Illegal Combatants, denied access to our legal system, such as it is, and dressed in orange jumpsuits. Where's the oil ?"

Holy Water and crossed myself" Andre confessed; "The old tricks are usually the best." --- "Glory !" shouted Bush, and began a prayer-meeting with the bewildered remnants of the mole-people. The black cat looked a trifle cynical and began washing her more private areas vigorously. Andre proposed they all have a good sleep since so far they had been moving and fighting as if they'd been in a non-stop Jackie Chan flick. After posting guards, slowly they fell asleep, including the guards. In the morning...

Well, those red fireballs faded into cinders and the world had long forgotten about the ferrets. Unbeknownst to anyone, there lay hidden deep in someones closet, a white silk sack with a newborn litter of ferrets. This young litter quickly grew into a mischievous bunch, that wandered out into the shoes and such. And, now, their mother could no longer keep them hidden in that sack. They were ready to venture out of the sack, and into the world. It just so happened that whoever lived in that room heard the rustling going on and discovered the sack and peered in and found 6 pairs of brown ferret eyes peering back. The sack was thrown upon someones back and the journey began into the wildneress on a quest to find the perfect place to set them free. A long day of searching ended when at last, the mysterious hand of fate opened the sack and released the ferret family at the mouth of the mole caves.

In the mole's absence, the ferrets found only the nazrats. Being ferrets, the nazrats could smell them hours ahead of time. The nazrats, knowing that, since they had not been returned to the heap, they still had a role to play in this fight-for-the-world flick, the ferrets would likely interfere with thier plans to end confusing run-on sentences like this one. They quickly went to Red Alert and executed Contingency Plan Ferret 5. As soon as the ferrets were in sight ...

the Nazrats, instead of executing Plan 5, all dropped to their knees. "The Six Ferrets of the New Age!" a Nazrat shouted. "Indeed, these six are those of which the elders prophesized." The Nazrats all started bowing and chanting before the Six. According to legend, six special ferrets would one day be sent to...

pet store, where they belonged, where one would be sold (sucker!) and they would become the Five spoken of in the "Prophesies of the Age After This One". They would one day be sent to ...

dance the Imperial Dance of World-Becoming, ushering in a New Age of peace and plenty ( for ferrets ); when the Lost Brother would by a process of transfer through pure thought, join them and temporarily become The One in the mighty flux and flow of the combined mind of his siblings. There was no time to lose

Meanwhile Andre and the others began to look for the ferrets, So they can take them to the neverending flower garden and let them free. The cat, being a skilled huntress tracked the baby ferrets back to the mole caves. They all went to the mole caves and encountered the nazrats. "We shall kill you mole bastards for trying to take our prophesized wise leaders." The nazrats moved in to kill Andre and the little moles. Just then a nazrat went flying in the air. The cat caught him. "You are now mine!" She said with an evil laugh. She ate the little rodent. "MMM look at alls these tasty vermin." She said licking her chops. "Who will be my next victim?" The cat said as she looked for a nazrat that looked tasty enough. "Come on guys, This is the black fat cat of doom that has been prophosized by the little green Marble.", a nazrat squeaked in terror. "Retreat!" the nazrats sccreamed as they ran away in horror, leaving the ferrets behind. The cat picked off a couple retreating nazrats, while Andre...............

... choked on a little green Marble. Silly Andre, that's not seed! "Help!" he clucked.

began to vomit profusely. The cat saw the mess and threw up as well. Andre decided that they must react fast. They had to bathe the little ferret before he made everyone vomit to death. They threw the stinky little furball into a sack. "Where are we going to find a place to bathe the little stinker?" The cat groaned trying to recover from the smell. They all decided to venture into another tunnel. They saw a doorway, which lead to a light blue pond. "An underground pond?" The fox asked looking at the light blue water. They dropped the little stinky ferret in the water. As he was swimming a giant fish with huge teeth came up and swallowed him whole. The fox.................

began singing 'This is the End' in the style of Jim Morrison, whilst Andre, unnerved by his rough experiences culminating in hearing this by no means cheerful ditty echoing and re-echoing in the stony chamber, sat down and wept. Would he ever see Jovi again ? Meanwhile the cat, whose great-great grandmother was a Turkish Van, married to a Ginger English tom-cat, dived in a sweeping arch into the limpid pool, grasped the tail-fin of the fish and forced it to the shore, where it almost willingly disgorged the ferret ( which had inadvertently upset the fish's stomach ), before swimming off at haste. The ferret shook himself well, spraying his friends with not only his own odourous wetness, but some slime from the stomach as well. The cat climbed out and ruefully rubbed herself down with a towel....

"Damn, There goes my lunch." The cat said angrily as she watched the fish swim away. She tried to lick her glistening black fur, while Andre tried to figure out how to get the ferret to stop stinking up the place. "Hold on I got an idea!" the now clean cat said eagerly. She ran back trough the way they came. A little while later they heard a rumbling noise. It was a P51 taxining its way into the room. The engine stopped and the cat jumped out of the cockpit. "I could't leave my baby behind." She said petting the plane. She had a container of cat litter, which she dumped on the wet ferret. It helped the smell, but now the ferret was covered in wet clumpy litter. Andre had a better idea. "I know, we should.....................

... freeze him in carbonite! We can convert the P51 into a carbon freezing chamber in a matter of minutes!"
"Quickly," shrieked the cat, "the ferret's stink is corroding the P51! We don't have much time!"

"Wait!" "I don't want you to mess with my baby!' She cried as she ran out of the cave. The other plane that George Bush flew was rolled in. "Use this one instead, since he got his ameobas all over it." The cat said trying to protect her plane. "Hurry up before I shoot the litter critter for coroding my plane!" The cat hissed, not wanting any harm coming to her "precious". Finally the plane with Bush germs on it was transformed into a carbon freezing chamber. They put the vermin in. He came out frozen. "Mmm a ferret popsicle. Looks good." They cat said drooling. Just then the fox accidentally dropped the frozen ferret on to Charlie the shrew. The ferret broke into a million pieces and Charlie had hurt his back. Andre.........................................

by now had totally lost it, and was running around making little clucking noises ( which, after all, was not totally surprising considering he was a chicken ). The fox and the cat reverently disposed of the ferret pieces and then sat back rubbing their stomachs. Once Andre had recovered his mind, and was able to watch TV in the back of the plane, they strapped themselves in and sat back "What we gonna tell the ferrets ?" asked the fox...

but got no answer. The cat was preoccupied with a system log trying to figure out how Charlie the Shrew had made a comeback. He could have sworn Andre deallocated him some time ago. If there were two instances, could there be more? Maybe Andre hadn't though. Otherwise, would she even remember Charlie? She hadn't even seen Charlie enter the room.
"What?", asked the cat. The fox gave the cat an irritated stare. "Oh! Right! The ferrets! Can't we freeze them too? That was incredible."
"I better keep an eye on Andre", replied the fox.
Grumbling, the cat climbed out of the plane and ...


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