Claverhouse
26 Mar 2005, 02:35 AM
Just discovered Ambrose Bierce's Fantastic Fables (http://www.totse.com/en/ego/literary_genius/fanfb10.html) are online. In a good, not text, format too.
Some of the finest things ever written...
A few:
A Needless Labour
AFTER waiting many a weary day to revenge himself upon a Lion for
some unconsidered manifestation of contempt, a Skunk finally saw
him coming, and posting himself in the path ahead uttered the
inaudible discord of his race. (http://totse.org/en/ego/literary_genius/fanfb10.html) Observing that the Lion gave no
attention to the matter, the Skunk, keeping carefully out of reach,
said:
"Sir, I beg leave to point out that I have set on foot an
implacable odour."
"My dear fellow," the Lion replied, "you have taken a needless
trouble; I already knew that you were a Skunk."
The Lion and the Thorn
A LION roaming through the forest, got a thorn in his foot, and,
meeting a Shepherd, asked him to remove it. The Shepherd did so,
and the Lion, having just surfeited himself on another shepherd,
went away without harming him. Some time afterward the Shepherd
was condemned on a false accusation to be cast to the lions in the
amphitheatre. (http://totse.org/en/ego/literary_genius/fanfb10.html) When they were about to devour him, one of them
said:
"This is the man who removed the thorn from my foot."
Hearing this, the others honourably abstained, and the claimant ate
the Shepherd all himself.
An Unspeakable Imbecile
A Judge said to a Convicted Assassin:
"Prisoner at the bar, have you anything to say why the death-
sentence should not be passed upon you?"
"Will what I say make any difference?" asked the Convicted
Assassin.
"I do not see how it can," the Judge answered, reflectively. "No,
it will not."
"Then," said the doomed one, "I should just like to remark that you
are the most unspeakable old imbecile in seven States and the
District of Columbia."
The Good Government
"WHAT a happy land you are!" said a Republican Form of Government
to a Sovereign State. (http://totse.org/en/ego/literary_genius/fanfb10.html) "Be good enough to lie still while I walk
upon you, singing the praises of universal suffrage and descanting
upon the blessings of civil and religious liberty. In the meantime
you can relieve your feelings by cursing the one-man power and the
effete monarchies of Europe. (http://totse.org/en/ego/literary_genius/fanfb10.html)"
"My public servants have been fools and rogues from the date of
your accession to power," replied the State; "my legislative
bodies, both State and municipal, are bands of thieves; my taxes
are insupportable; my courts are corrupt; my cities are a disgrace
to civilisation; my corporations have their hands at the throats of
every private interest - all my affairs are in disorder and
criminal confusion."
"That is all very true," said the Republican Form of Government,
putting on its hobnail shoes; "but consider how I thrill you every
Fourth of July."
The Man and the Bird
A Man with a Shotgun said to a Bird:
"It is all nonsense, you know, about shooting being a cruel sport.
I put my skill against your cunning-that is all there is of it. It
is a fair game. (http://totse.org/en/ego/literary_genius/fanfb10.html)"
"True," said the Bird, "but I don't wish to play."
"Why not?" inquired the Man with a Shotgun.
"The game," the Bird replied, "is fair as you say; the chances are
about even; but consider the stake. (http://totse.org/en/ego/literary_genius/fanfb10.html) I am in it for you, but what
is there in it for me?"
Not being prepared with an answer to the question, the Man with a
Shotgun sagaciously removed the propounder.
Claverhouse :ph34r:
Some of the finest things ever written...
A few:
A Needless Labour
AFTER waiting many a weary day to revenge himself upon a Lion for
some unconsidered manifestation of contempt, a Skunk finally saw
him coming, and posting himself in the path ahead uttered the
inaudible discord of his race. (http://totse.org/en/ego/literary_genius/fanfb10.html) Observing that the Lion gave no
attention to the matter, the Skunk, keeping carefully out of reach,
said:
"Sir, I beg leave to point out that I have set on foot an
implacable odour."
"My dear fellow," the Lion replied, "you have taken a needless
trouble; I already knew that you were a Skunk."
The Lion and the Thorn
A LION roaming through the forest, got a thorn in his foot, and,
meeting a Shepherd, asked him to remove it. The Shepherd did so,
and the Lion, having just surfeited himself on another shepherd,
went away without harming him. Some time afterward the Shepherd
was condemned on a false accusation to be cast to the lions in the
amphitheatre. (http://totse.org/en/ego/literary_genius/fanfb10.html) When they were about to devour him, one of them
said:
"This is the man who removed the thorn from my foot."
Hearing this, the others honourably abstained, and the claimant ate
the Shepherd all himself.
An Unspeakable Imbecile
A Judge said to a Convicted Assassin:
"Prisoner at the bar, have you anything to say why the death-
sentence should not be passed upon you?"
"Will what I say make any difference?" asked the Convicted
Assassin.
"I do not see how it can," the Judge answered, reflectively. "No,
it will not."
"Then," said the doomed one, "I should just like to remark that you
are the most unspeakable old imbecile in seven States and the
District of Columbia."
The Good Government
"WHAT a happy land you are!" said a Republican Form of Government
to a Sovereign State. (http://totse.org/en/ego/literary_genius/fanfb10.html) "Be good enough to lie still while I walk
upon you, singing the praises of universal suffrage and descanting
upon the blessings of civil and religious liberty. In the meantime
you can relieve your feelings by cursing the one-man power and the
effete monarchies of Europe. (http://totse.org/en/ego/literary_genius/fanfb10.html)"
"My public servants have been fools and rogues from the date of
your accession to power," replied the State; "my legislative
bodies, both State and municipal, are bands of thieves; my taxes
are insupportable; my courts are corrupt; my cities are a disgrace
to civilisation; my corporations have their hands at the throats of
every private interest - all my affairs are in disorder and
criminal confusion."
"That is all very true," said the Republican Form of Government,
putting on its hobnail shoes; "but consider how I thrill you every
Fourth of July."
The Man and the Bird
A Man with a Shotgun said to a Bird:
"It is all nonsense, you know, about shooting being a cruel sport.
I put my skill against your cunning-that is all there is of it. It
is a fair game. (http://totse.org/en/ego/literary_genius/fanfb10.html)"
"True," said the Bird, "but I don't wish to play."
"Why not?" inquired the Man with a Shotgun.
"The game," the Bird replied, "is fair as you say; the chances are
about even; but consider the stake. (http://totse.org/en/ego/literary_genius/fanfb10.html) I am in it for you, but what
is there in it for me?"
Not being prepared with an answer to the question, the Man with a
Shotgun sagaciously removed the propounder.
Claverhouse :ph34r: