In...TP
5 Apr 2005, 10:25 PM
Mastering a test of golfing knowledge
This week is perhaps the most highly anticipated one for golfers and golf fans around the world.
It’s time for the Masters, the greatest of all tournaments. If you don’t believe us, just ask anyone wearing a pair of plaid pants.
As many of you know, scoring a ticket to watch the Masters is as difficult as making a birdie on the windmill hole at the Putt Putt Fun Center. This year, officials are making it even tougher on fans.
Before anyone will be allowed to enter the hallowed grounds at the Augusta National Golf Club, he will have to pass a golfing quiz, even if he has a ticket. The testing center will be a folding table on Washington Road near the front gates.
As a public service, Talk has acquired a sample test to help golf fans study. Here’s one word of advice, too. If you think the Masters is an economy inn on Knox Abbott Drive, don’t bother making the trip. You’ll never pass.
1. One under par on a hole is called: a) an eagle; b) an osprey; b) a birdie; d) a pterodactyl.
2. One over par on a hole is called: a) a hoagie; b) a bogey; c)a doggy; d) a loogie.
3. The type of club you use on the green is called: a) a putter; b) a driver; c) a wedge; d) a rake.
4. The type of club you throw in the lake after you’ve just driven off the tee into the water is: a) a putter; b) a driver; c) a wedge; d)the whole darn bag.
5. The chairman of Augusta National is: a) Hootie Johnson; b)Hootie and the Blowfish singer Darius Rucker; c) Hooters assistant manager Darius Johnson; d) Cowboy star Hoot Gibson.
6. The guy hawking TenderCrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch chicken sandwiches in that bizarre Burger King commercial is: a) Hootie Johnson; b) Hootie and the Blowfish singer Darius Rucker; c) Hooters assistant manager Darius Johnson; d)Cowboy star Hoot Gibson.
7. Vijay Singh is: a) one of the original video jockeys on MTV; b)a top-ranked pro golfer born in Fiji; c) one of the remaining “American Idol” contestants; d)Lee Trevino’s former caddy.
8. Arnie’s Army is: a) the little plastic green army men carried around in a baggie by your neighbor kid named Arnie; b) the proud fighting men of former Soviet Republic Arniestan; c) the large group of fans who followed golfing legend Arnold Palmer; d)the solders who lost a key battle to the Nicklaus Navy for possession of Rae’s Creek in 1965.
9. The Masters champion receives this article of clothing for winning the tournament: a) a green jacket; b) black socks; c)purple pants; d) Judge Smails’ hat — plus a free bowl of soup.
10. The game show host who once brawled with touring pro Happy Gilmore during a celebrity pro-am event was: a) Wink Martindale; b) Pat Sajak; c) Alex Trebek; d) Bob Barker.
11. Amen Corner is: a) the secluded spot where club members pray that no women will protest club membership policies; b) the small chapel where golfers can attend Sunday services; c) the notoriously difficult stretch of 11th, 12th and 13th holes; d) the Augusta beer joint that John Daly busted up in the mid-90s.
12. What gorgeous flowers line No. 13 at Augusta National? a) azaleas; b) rhododendrons; c)kudzu; d) plastic roses.
13. Name the assistant greenskeeper at Bushwood Country Club whose bid to become Masters champion was a stirring Cinderella story: a) Danny Noonan; b) Carl Spackler; c) Ty Webb; d) Phil Mickelson.
14. The only golfer most people can name is: a) Tiger Woods; b) Tiger Woods; c) Tiger Woods; d) All of the above.
15. True or false. Big Bertha is the attendant at the Augusta National ladies’ restroom.
16. Ernie Els is from: a) South Carolina; b) South Africa; c)South America; d) South Dakota.
17. Watching the Masters on TV means you’re sure to hear: a)Jim Nantz whispering reverentially; b) Dick Vitale screaming, “Awesome, baby!” c)Xzibit explaining how he’ll pimp the golf carts; d) Katie Couric and Al Roker cackling during Colin Montgomerie’s backswing.
18. Write a 1,000-word essay on why a sniveling low-rent peon such as yourself should be allowed to attend this great event.
Hootie Johnson GHS '49
This week is perhaps the most highly anticipated one for golfers and golf fans around the world.
It’s time for the Masters, the greatest of all tournaments. If you don’t believe us, just ask anyone wearing a pair of plaid pants.
As many of you know, scoring a ticket to watch the Masters is as difficult as making a birdie on the windmill hole at the Putt Putt Fun Center. This year, officials are making it even tougher on fans.
Before anyone will be allowed to enter the hallowed grounds at the Augusta National Golf Club, he will have to pass a golfing quiz, even if he has a ticket. The testing center will be a folding table on Washington Road near the front gates.
As a public service, Talk has acquired a sample test to help golf fans study. Here’s one word of advice, too. If you think the Masters is an economy inn on Knox Abbott Drive, don’t bother making the trip. You’ll never pass.
1. One under par on a hole is called: a) an eagle; b) an osprey; b) a birdie; d) a pterodactyl.
2. One over par on a hole is called: a) a hoagie; b) a bogey; c)a doggy; d) a loogie.
3. The type of club you use on the green is called: a) a putter; b) a driver; c) a wedge; d) a rake.
4. The type of club you throw in the lake after you’ve just driven off the tee into the water is: a) a putter; b) a driver; c) a wedge; d)the whole darn bag.
5. The chairman of Augusta National is: a) Hootie Johnson; b)Hootie and the Blowfish singer Darius Rucker; c) Hooters assistant manager Darius Johnson; d) Cowboy star Hoot Gibson.
6. The guy hawking TenderCrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch chicken sandwiches in that bizarre Burger King commercial is: a) Hootie Johnson; b) Hootie and the Blowfish singer Darius Rucker; c) Hooters assistant manager Darius Johnson; d)Cowboy star Hoot Gibson.
7. Vijay Singh is: a) one of the original video jockeys on MTV; b)a top-ranked pro golfer born in Fiji; c) one of the remaining “American Idol” contestants; d)Lee Trevino’s former caddy.
8. Arnie’s Army is: a) the little plastic green army men carried around in a baggie by your neighbor kid named Arnie; b) the proud fighting men of former Soviet Republic Arniestan; c) the large group of fans who followed golfing legend Arnold Palmer; d)the solders who lost a key battle to the Nicklaus Navy for possession of Rae’s Creek in 1965.
9. The Masters champion receives this article of clothing for winning the tournament: a) a green jacket; b) black socks; c)purple pants; d) Judge Smails’ hat — plus a free bowl of soup.
10. The game show host who once brawled with touring pro Happy Gilmore during a celebrity pro-am event was: a) Wink Martindale; b) Pat Sajak; c) Alex Trebek; d) Bob Barker.
11. Amen Corner is: a) the secluded spot where club members pray that no women will protest club membership policies; b) the small chapel where golfers can attend Sunday services; c) the notoriously difficult stretch of 11th, 12th and 13th holes; d) the Augusta beer joint that John Daly busted up in the mid-90s.
12. What gorgeous flowers line No. 13 at Augusta National? a) azaleas; b) rhododendrons; c)kudzu; d) plastic roses.
13. Name the assistant greenskeeper at Bushwood Country Club whose bid to become Masters champion was a stirring Cinderella story: a) Danny Noonan; b) Carl Spackler; c) Ty Webb; d) Phil Mickelson.
14. The only golfer most people can name is: a) Tiger Woods; b) Tiger Woods; c) Tiger Woods; d) All of the above.
15. True or false. Big Bertha is the attendant at the Augusta National ladies’ restroom.
16. Ernie Els is from: a) South Carolina; b) South Africa; c)South America; d) South Dakota.
17. Watching the Masters on TV means you’re sure to hear: a)Jim Nantz whispering reverentially; b) Dick Vitale screaming, “Awesome, baby!” c)Xzibit explaining how he’ll pimp the golf carts; d) Katie Couric and Al Roker cackling during Colin Montgomerie’s backswing.
18. Write a 1,000-word essay on why a sniveling low-rent peon such as yourself should be allowed to attend this great event.
Hootie Johnson GHS '49