Emotional Pain is like Radiation poisoning

[Helios]

I have noticed I rarely get the impact of something deeply upseting to me in the moment. As if I was was exposed to a large dose of radiation, I just shrug it off and walk away, the symptoms come later.

It is so de rigeur to dismiss any and all emotional reactions, I honestly have no idea when one is serious. So I laugh it off like the million that came before it.


So when one comes back, it is noteworthy. Not to say I don't almost as promptly dismiss it again. After this, they tend to be bad news. If it comes into my head again it is gonna be a lil rough around the edges. Not knowing what to do I dismiss and supress it. Then it comes back foaming at the mouth completely deranged and lunging at my throat, having escaped the cage I put it in.


Of course they don't always get out. Sometimes I lock them away very well. But then I won't be able to sleep and/or be sick to my stomach for days. Yet, I'll be so disconnected from them all, I will have no idea which suppressed emotional reaction is making me crazy in vast pile of others that where just meaningless crap!


At its worst I have gone thru my head, exploring diff things that have crossed my mind "looking" for the circumstance that cuts my heart. There is something kinda insane about walking thru the halls of your mind picking things up searching for what has you distraught because you are that out of touch with your own feelings you don't know why your upset.

[Madrigal]

I'm exactly the same way. I don't think I could have described it any better. It isn't simply about letting things pile up. It's not being able to distinguish what's genuinely bothering you anymore.

At some point something will make me lose it but I'll be surprised at how vicious my reaction is and I won't really understand what's behind it.

By the time something has been ignored long enough to change my whole attitude, I won't understand why I feel the way I do. There is always a little gallery of horrors to identify the culprit, but I never really decide on any of them. :D

[euterpenc]

I keep that stuff so well buried that the only inkling I have to its existence is the memories of years ago when I did actually feel such things. I can't even bring it up when I want to, like when I need some energy to channel for music.

It is probably because the emotions have grown so violent and savage that they are not able to be let out in any remotely sophisticated way. Occasionally I have tinges and they come up in irrational strings of mockery and insult directed at worthy though irrelevant targets. That and urges for violence.

So, I'll just leave them alone until I am prepared to confront it, or at least until they push themselves upon me until I cannot ignore it any longer.

[Phreon]

I can identify with the OP. I used to try to suppress emotional pain/turmoil, but we all know that doesn't work. However, even if I think I've made it through a difficult experience unscathed, almost invariably I still wind up feeling awful or exhibiting physical manifestations like migraines, sour stomach, muscle aches, etc. sometimes hours, days or weeks later.

It' pretty much a given that the day I have to put my son on the plane to send him back to his mom is at some point going to flush down the shitter, even if I leave the airport feeling calm.

Phreon

[Avengardh]

I actually fear that I am unable to feel some things I should.

I don't know if that made any sense up there----^

It worries me, but whatchoo gonna do.

[lpethe]

There is something kinda insane about walking thru the halls of your mind picking things up searching for what has you distraught because you are that out of touch with your own feelings you don't know why your upset.

what a familiar and unpleasant chore. like facing a collection of kettles trying to figure out which one is hot and whistling by touching them all and seeing which one burns, because you never realize when one is sitting on a fire.

[qualia]

I don't know about me, I tend to categorize things in very broad, long term pains. Shitty childhood, handful of breakups, lost time, mental health. That about covers it, pretty easy to point at one or say "shit, it doesn't matter right now, gotta deal."

Dealing with the cause is less important than dealing with the aftermath most of the time. The rest of the time, only dredge stuff up when you're ready to put it in a context that'll make it a help rather than a hinder, is my policy.

[jyakulis]

.

[Shadowlogical]

Sometimes you just have to do something illogical. If a feeling occurs then an equal reaction must happen. Stoicism only leads to regression at best. One can only change how their mind perceives the transgression.

Logic is what is ideal, feeling are what's real. As above so below. Yin and yang. Balance. That sort of thing.

So just let all that trash out. Admit that it makes its home inside you.

[lpethe]

Sometimes you just have to do something illogical. If a feeling occurs then an equal reaction must happen.

I'm not that clear what actions/reactions you are suggesting here. I wouldn't advocate suppression, but emotions are a poor justification for "misbehavior". We may not be in control of how we feel, but we CAN control our actions. Mental health issues aside.

[Phreon]

I'm not that clear what actions/reactions you are suggesting here. I wouldn't advocate suppression, but emotions are a poor justification for "misbehavior". We may not be in control of how we feel, but we CAN control our actions. Mental health issues aside.

Perhaps Shadowlogical means you just have to "let it out" sometimes? Maybe not vent in fits of rage, but throw back some booze, get a little crazy for a night or otherwise just depressurize knowing full well the behavior isn't entirely rational or logical? "Stepping outside yourself" on occasion can be cathartic.

Phreon

[Shadowlogical]

Perhaps Shadowlogical means you just have to "let it out" sometimes? Maybe not vent in fits of rage, but throw back some booze, get a little crazy for a night or otherwise just depressurize knowing full well the behavior isn't entirely rational or logical? "Stepping outside yourself" on occasion can be cathartic.

Phreon

That's the one. Controlled misbehavior is what I'm talking about. But not so much in burst.. more like a steady stream.

With controlled misbehavior, your emotions get the healthy exorcise they need to grow. Best of all, they are tempered with abstract logic, laying down the foundation for sound intuition in the future. Your self and your feelings working in tandem. That's what I mean. That's what I strive for.

[lpethe]

Ah, thanks for clearing that up. :) It can become a delicate balance with a wide variety of contributing factors to consider. Tricky, tricky. If you are up to it, I would like to hear some more specific examples of "controlled misbehavior" and it's outcomes. Sounds interesting.

[s0978]

At its worst I have gone thru my head, exploring diff things that have crossed my mind "looking" for the circumstance that cuts my heart. There is something kinda insane about walking thru the halls of your mind picking things up searching for what has you distraught because you are that out of touch with your own feelings you don't know why your upset.

Sometimes I don't even realize I'm feeling x (I don't experience the feeling). I sort of have to deduce it from my behavior.

[1104]

for me it's more like refined sugar. immediate, intense but one-dimensional, then little memory of it afterward.

[kali]

If emotional pain gets too close to my testicles then there's a chance I might bear an offspring with 3 nostrils.