Another poem

[Wilde Mutton]

The Dreamer's walking by
with endless, wistful gait
He seems to live by stars
I haven't even seen

Stricken, vague and lean
he feeds my fancy's source
I'm made to wish again
for such arcane reprieve

To bide by no-one's leave!
To go while needed still!
To have that solid peace,
of which there is no kind

And in a drifter's mind
Each thought - a welcome friend -
keeps fresh and unperturbed
And free! and cool! and light!

His perpetual flight
But not a bird - a cloud
that holds a changing store;
in essence stays the same

The Dreamer has no name
He likes it best that way
for thus no soul can trap
his strange, mesmeric one

His power me leaves none

He walks

[waxwing]

Iambic sestameter. Hmm. Impressive. I don't generally like this meter, but I read your lines aloud and noticed you have an acute sense of rhythm and pace.

Got more?

Have you read Gerard Manley Hopkins? If not, you might be interested in his "sprung rhythm."

Your final stanza seems a bit awkward. The line, "He likes it best that way" makes sense but it's not interesting to me.

I like your use of the dash to accomplish smooth rhythm.

Your second to last stanza catches my attention because of the slight change in meter ( - - ' - - ' instead of -'-'-')

"His perpetual flight
But not a bird - a cloud
that holds a changing store;
in essence stays the same"

Interesting capitalization of "The Dreamer." Ironic. I wonder if the dreamer is the voice of the speaker.

Nice variation of tone and emphasis.

"...that solid peace..." Seems weak.

"He seems to live by stars / I haven't even seen." Mm. Like the suggestion.

[Wilde Mutton]

My INFP twin wrote it...She´s shy about these things. I´m not into plagiarism, and I might as well have written the original author with the poem. She didn´t think so...
She read your post with fervour. A Latin-freak, so your comment about the Iambic verse really hit home :)

Edit: Enclosed her comments about the poem

I didn't write with the metre in mind; I read a lot more poetry than I ever have the energy to compose myself (this is one of the first ones I've been satisfied with enough not to throw it to the bin...so at this moment I haven't got much else of interest). I suppose I've gotten a sense of the way poems are structured by constantly reciting them. I haven't read Hopkins though - I WILL! :)
To me, the Dreamer is an archetype. The lyrical self thinks of himself as trapped, whereas a chance passer-by, who knows nothing of the limitations of the narrator's environment (the stars, people, ideas etc. which he already KNOWS, inside out), seems so unchained. The narrator is a would-be dreamer, a wisher not going to go anywhere, not going to live like a gypsy though tempted by the prospect. He sees the walker, falls into a reverie - watches but does not participate. I think the lyrical self feels pressured by his acquaintances, all of whom would consider such a strange modus vivendi - straying - UNACCEPTABLE, UNREASONABLE, UNATTAINABLE. (To the narrator, however, "not all who wander are lost".) Thus, with a leering smirk, they think of everyone who dares as an escapist, not facing reality, "dreaming".
Of course "the Dreamer" might not, probably doesn't, lead such a free existence as perceived by the one observing him. His pace is, after all, "wistful". The admiration of the narrator towards the Dreamer is evident in the capitalization; at the same time it creates, as you rightfully stated, a self-deprecating tone (perhaps of the Dreamer´s?)
Thank you ever so much for the constructive criticism. It fed me.

[Hypnos]

Overly explicit and strained metaphorically, but shows a promising sensibility.

[waxwing]

To Wilde Mutton's INFP twin....

I'm glad you found my comments helpful. I appreciated the chance to read your poem. http://forums.intpcentral.com/images/smilies/smile.gif

Very interesting explication you give. I cannot help thinking that the observer and the observed are simultaneously 1. the same person and 2. two distinct manifestations/forces of a similar longing. I see the tug-of-war, so to speak, between that which appears to be desirable, but by virtue of its "flightiness," cannot be pinned down, even taken hold of.

To me, after a few readings, I became more attached to the image of the cloud in stanza 5. I got to thinking about a cloud, and came to this conclusion. Although the dynamic and pressure of its contents constantly change, we still recognize it as a cloud. Is it a cumulus cloud? A stratus? A nimbus? It's still a cloud, you're right (line 20). However, we feel the cloud differently depending on the heaviness, brightness, evidence of an imminent storm, and also due to our needs and longings at the time. I almost envisioned the speaker switching between wistfully observing the "cloud" and then feeling the cold rain on his/her "nameless" skin. A powerful image you evoke.

I also started wondering about your last 2 lines. I get the feeling that they are intentionally a conundrum, although I'm not sure what feeling I am left with...a non-descript namelessness and regret at ones inability to simultaneously observe and participate? I don't know, but your last line "He walks" seems appropriate for the Dreamer (as the observed) and the would-be dreamer, (the observer en route to....something, somewhere). Perhaps it is a statement of participation, although we cannot determine the course or the action. Hmmm.....

[Wilde Mutton]

The INFP twin:

I don't think the narrator has a choice, really, except to stay behind. What fascinates him in the Dreamer is the mystery, the cloud-like nature of that passing entity. The longing is what matters, not whether the need is met or not. What is to be accomplished by following the Dreamer? Nothing. The shattering, the unveiling, of the enigma. An anticlimax. The stanza "The Dreamer has no name--" could, in my opinion, be understood to back that up.
Also, "He walks" might serve as an echo of the previous "--walking by", the change in the verb form working as a reminder of the briefness of the event, the moment of observation.

P.S. Thank you for noticing "the cloud"...I liked the idea myself. :)

[tragula]

I thought is showed a lot of talent too. Although I don't usually go in for this sort of thing. Great flow, and pleasantly mysterious!

Had to read it a few times for it to really register. It is very sophisticated. Professional...

I almost wish it had a little more "reach out and grab you." I don't know if that means colorful nouns or what. But that is not a criticism, except perhaps of my attention capabilities....

[Shai Gar]

is the INFP twin hot?

[Wilde Mutton]

is the INFP twin hot?

:rofl:

We´re identical, so...YES. OF COURSE. VERY.