Physical Space and Affection

[mxmxmx]

I'm curious how other INTPs experience these aspects. With strangers, acquaintances and even family members, I'm extremely uncomfortable with physical proximity and touch. In fact, there have been a few instances where the touch of a stranger has triggered reflex cat-like counterstrikes.

However, with the person I'm sexually involved with and animals, I'm exceptionally affectionate and can drown myself and them with affection: kisses, massages, silent proximity, and unconscious pattern-making with my fingers and hands (almost as if I'm doodling on them). Other than tactile pleasure, there is a strong aspect of curiosity discovering how different parts of the body affect other different parts of the body.

Yourself?

[MacGuffin]

I am the same. I dislike handshakes and wish America would do bowing like Japan.

I've gotten better about hugs with family members. I am not embarrassed to show physical affection in public like when I was a kid. I even hug my dad! And he's ISTJ!

Sexual partners are something different, of course.

[Thevenin]

I hate being touched or touching people outside my family and close (very) friends.

[attila_the_hunny]

I hate when I just meet someone and they want to hug. I don't even like it when some of my friends want to hug hello/goodbye. I'm only affectionate with my mother. I'm the same as the OP with a romantic partner.

[mxmxmx]

I've never told anyone when exactly I'm leaving, so that I can avoid the awkward hugs and well wishes.

[Polemarch]

I can't relate to any of this. Casual physical contact (handshakes, touching of a shoulder/arm) is not a big deal to me. I usually don't initiate it, mainly because I don't want to put others off, but if it is initiated by someone else, I think it's fine.

/apparentlynotintrovert

[mxmxmx]

/apparentlynotintrovert

About time you came out of the closet!

[JamesGold]

It's okay to touch me if:

- I'm interested in you sexually
- We're about to have sex/are having sex

(gap)

- You're my mom hugging me/kissing me on my cheek or my dad patting me on the back

Otherwise GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.

[mxmxmx]

God, I hope that's separate, and not all three combined.

(nice gap)

[JamesGold]

(nice gap)

Thanks.

[mxmxmx]

No really, nice gap.

http://i.imgur.com/tvwu8.gif

(It is kinda on topic)

[Works]

As a teacher, I'm always amazed by how familiar other teachers are with students in regards to touching. I'm not big on random acts of physical touching other than handshakes or high fives.

[starla]

When I lived in LA, casual touching was commonplace where I worked. Of course, so were interoffice affairs. I'm amazed that place didn't field more lawsuits.

Where I am now, interoffice affairs and casual touching mostly take place amongst the hourly.

I'm OK with being touched by people I like and know. Getting touched by strangers is odd, but not necessarily distasteful. Having people I dislike touch me is god-awful.

Our fab is really cramped, so my personal bubble has shrunk a lot in the past four years, and being brushed up against or bumped in to is no big deal.

[Polemarch]

amongst the hourly

Love the way you phrased that.

You almost called them common-folk.

[skip]

I'm very tactile and physically affectionate with those close to me. Anyone else: no. I don't like shaking hands, either. There's something too personal and invasive about it.

[teleforce]

with a romantic partner i'm extremely physically affectionate in private. i'm uncomfortable with most forms of PDA past waist holding or maybe slow dancing at a dance (i think it's the show of possessiveness that i don't like). i don't mind touchy-feely acquaintances and have grown to expect and enjoy hugging certain people upon meeting and saying goodbye, but there's little touching in my more cerebral friendships which usually are closer and dearer to me. i'll hug my family. they're not dirty. they're just my family. i'll rub my grandma's shoulders and arms to generate heat when it's cold.

i've caught myself saying "sorry" when i've accidentally touched strangers, but that's kinda stupid when i'm standing around in a crowd. i don't mind mere touching by strangers unless it's inappropriate or rude. like, if i'm standing in a line and somebody grabs my shirt to move me around, that's just fucking rude. it's not the touching itself.

but yeah, i enjoy touching with romantic/sexual partners, if we can be left alone. the more i like the person, the stronger the cravings are... and i'll leave it at that.

[JamesGold]

I can't stand it when people say "sorry" for something as trivial as a brush of the hand. I don't care! At that point it just seems like you're saying it out of a lack of self-confidence rather than an obligation to be courteous. If you turned around and knocked me on my ass, sure, a "sorry" is in order.

[teleforce]

I can't stand it when people say "sorry" for something as trivial as a brush of the hand. I don't care! At that point it just seems like you're saying it out of a lack of self-confidence rather than an obligation to be courteous. If you turned around and knocked me on my ass, sure, a "sorry" is in order.
i've said it out of this expectation that the person might really be uncomfortable or not used to being touched, and i just don't wanna look like a douche who thinks she owns the place and everybody in it. i know for a fact that some women are really uncomfortable being touched in public, especially when it's a man being oblivious as to how his body is operating in space.

[JamesGold]

i've said it out of this expectation that the person might really be uncomfortable or not used to being touched, and i just don't wanna look like a douche who thinks she owns the place and everybody in it. i know for a fact that some women are really uncomfortable being touched in public, especially when it's a man being oblivious as to how his body is operating in space.

You can be uncomfortable with being touched and still realize that it's inevitably going to happen accidentally when you're out in public. It would be better if both parties just moved on without mentioning it.

[teleforce]

You can be uncomfortable with being touched and still realize that it's inevitably going to happen accidentally when you're out in public. It would be better if both parties just moved on without mentioning it.
ok, but it's not better or worse. you gauge what the expectations are, and find yourself acting accordingly. either way, if it's a big deal to anybody, they'll let it be known.

[Zephyrus055]

My niece pisses me off when she asks for a kiss, and she will never get one. I don't kiss people, unless it's french kissing a sexual partner.

[Skinart]

I'm curious how other INTPs experience these aspects. With strangers, acquaintances and even family members, I'm extremely uncomfortable with physical proximity and touch. In fact, there have been a few instances where the touch of a stranger has triggered reflex cat-like counterstrikes.


Replace "few" with "many" and that's me. The last time I hugged my dad, whom I love dearly, was when I dropped him off in a hotel room the night before open heart surgery. That was because I knew the next day doctors were going to kill him.


I've never told anyone when exactly I'm leaving, so that I can avoid the awkward hugs and well wishes.

I have the same habit and it drives people unreasonably crazy. I personally prefer the casual disappearance to the more formal goodbye, but as I've gotten older, I've begun making a little bit more of a point of letting the host know I've left. I think a person ought to know if there guests have actually left. But for the most part, I figure me picking up my shit and walking out the door is a good indicator.

OTOH, when I was younger and more prone to sneaking away to avoid goodbyes, I also drove people nuts because I never took my coat off.


You can be uncomfortable with being touched and still realize that it's inevitably going to happen accidentally when you're out in public. It would be better if both parties just moved on without mentioning it.

I think this is a particularly male response to the problem. In addition to the additional politeness that is commonly expected of women, men don't usually have to deal with groping issues (it happens but not as often) so there is a different mental profile regarding accidental touching.

I also think the mental ostrich game regarding touch reflects passive male homophobia. If your penis didn't scrape against me in passing, there's no need to address the issue. So it didn't happen.

One year, during the annual yearbook stupidity of high school, a kid came over intending to ask me to sign their yearbook. There was already a crowd of bodies involved, and as a result of various jostling, there was a moment when their finger was in my mouth. Many people saw it. Nobody said a damn thing. We all pretended it didn't happen.

But it did.:ph34r:

It would have been much more awkward with an apology making it 'real' though.

[mxmxmx]

I have the same habit and it drives people unreasonably crazy. I personally prefer the casual disappearance to the more formal goodbye, but as I've gotten older, I've begun making a little bit more of a point of letting the host know I've left. I think a person ought to know if there guests have actually left. But for the most part, I figure me picking up my shit and walking out the door is a good indicator.

This too, but I was specifically referring to leaving countries/cities.


Many people saw it. Nobody said a damn thing. We all pretended it didn't happen.

lol. I've had so many of these moments.

I say sorry all the time, but it's more of a colonial British thing. I actually don't give a shit most of the time. I save my shits (and flying fucks) for people I care about.

[tranquilbanana]

I know this thread is a bit old but I am going to respond anyway.

I can't stand being touched in any way by anyone. Outside of relatives, I have hugged a total of maybe 5 people in my life. I have never: Cuddled with someone, held someone's hand, kissed someone (outside of relatives... still disgusting), touched someone with my hand for more than a minute, or any of several other things. I can relate completely to the "defensive" reflexes when someone touches unexpectedly. When I used to go to things with a lot of family members, I was asked to hug them before leaving and sometimes they wanted to kiss me. I absolutely hated that and tried to avoid it as much as possible. Being kissed is the worst thing for me, especially by a child because they usually have wet lips which makes me feel really uncomfortable.

I've never had any sexual partners and I never want any so that doesn't apply either.

I could possibly understand how it might be just okay for someone I was really "close" with, as some other people have stated... but I've never felt "close" to anyone in my life so I can't really say.

[skip]

You are young, tranquilbanana. Things will change.

[Madrigal]

I know this thread is a bit old but I am going to respond anyway.

I can't stand being touched in any way by anyone. Outside of relatives, I have hugged a total of maybe 5 people in my life. I have never: Cuddled with someone, held someone's hand, kissed someone (outside of relatives... still disgusting), touched someone with my hand for more than a minute, or any of several other things. I can relate completely to the "defensive" reflexes when someone touches unexpectedly. When I used to go to things with a lot of family members, I was asked to hug them before leaving and sometimes they wanted to kiss me. I absolutely hated that and tried to avoid it as much as possible. Being kissed is the worst thing for me, especially by a child because they usually have wet lips which makes me feel really uncomfortable.

I've never had any sexual partners and I never want any so that doesn't apply either.

I could possibly understand how it might be just okay for someone I was really "close" with, as some other people have stated... but I've never felt "close" to anyone in my life so I can't really say.

I was the same way, at least until I had my first boyfriend. That didn't go very well, but it changed the way I responded to touching, it didn't feel invasive anymore. In this culture people touch you for no reason while they talk to you, so it's best to accept it early. Why are you against dating? For the same reason?

[Spartan26]

Ha, I was just thinking about this. There was this big industry party the other night. Just massive. Lots of booze and food. I can't even tell you how surprised I was by the number of people touching me during the course of conversation. I was trying to figure out what types these people would be. Occupation wise, it was mostly production accountants, studio bean counters, payroll people, line producers, financiers and insurance folk. Which doesn't mean they don't do other things but it wasn't like the physical laborers grips and gaffers or attention whoring talent or phony EPs or agents. You'd expect nerdy money people. Which they were out in full force but still, all night long, someone would reach out and touch me on the wrist or forearm while they were talking. It didn't really bother me but it was so surprising.

Now, I don't know how much alcohol had to do with it. To be fair, in some cases, I was seeing some people from other studios or businesses for the first time ever face-to-face after over five years of contact by e-mail or phone with them, so it was kinda nice to put faces to names, especially when they've been helpful. What I felt somewhat bad about was that I was not returning the gesture. Like I know we're supposed to be great at being a mirror or chameleon in conversation or social situations but I just couldn't do it. I didn't even try.

As long as I'm not surprised I don't think I mind touch too much. Like upon greeting or departing. Even the touch during conversation if I feel the person is dropping his or her guard and not being an pompous bore. I hate it when people maybe touch me and leave their hand on me. The occasional tap is one thing but my shoulder is NOT a hand rest!

Side note: Shameless self promotion: This is my 3,000th post, MF's! Posting at a walloping 1.05/day, whodathunkit that I'd ever make it this far???

[Anonymous]

I can't relate to any of this. Casual physical contact (handshakes, touching of a shoulder/arm) is not a big deal to me. I usually don't initiate it, mainly because I don't want to put others off, but if it is initiated by someone else, I think it's fine.

/apparentlynotintrovert

Same, except that I do initiate handshakes. Definitely an introvert though. The only thing I don't like is getting patted on my back; I think it's something about the unexpected nature of it, and the fact that you're at a disadvantage.

[msg_v2]

Oh geez.... I can't stand being touched by people I'm not that close to.

An acquaintance at work approached me and touched me the other day while I was reading a book on my break. He's a nice guy, but he's very gregarious... almost too much so. Needless to say, I was not happy. I honestly don't get why some extraverts don't understand that people are reading books precisely because they want to be inside their own head at that moment.

People have different boundaries, I guess. An acquaintance at work is not nearly close enough to me for me to be ok with touching.

[square]

I have never had any problems with making or receiving physical contact in social situations with people I know know or people I have just met if it is appropriate (nothing creepy or sexual).

[starla]

I have an aunt that would playfully push my head when she was talking to me. That was So. Fucking. Annoying. I avoid that whole side of the family to this day.

[tranquilbanana]

I was the same way, at least until I had my first boyfriend. That didn't go very well, but it changed the way I responded to touching, it didn't feel invasive anymore. In this culture people touch you for no reason while they talk to you, so it's best to accept it early. Why are you against dating? For the same reason?

I don't like the concept of "exclusivity" of feeling/doing certain things with only that person because it's freedom-restricting and seems like the only purpose is for ego. And I don't want any of the touching stuff, so there's nothing I want from it that I couldn't get from a friend. But I could potentially be comfortable and respond differently with a close friend touching me, if I ever have one.