Completely disgusted.

[BritainOphira]

My mother is convinced that she knows me. She does not. She is constantly bitching because I do not spend enough time with my family and therefore I never know what is going on (as in who is sick, who went crazy, who people I've never met are).
She thinks I am a neurotic, slutty, bulimic, anorexic lesbian freak with horrible hair. In reality, I am only neurotic. She is also convinced that the perfect guy for me is my gay best friend. She constantly asks what I am going to name her grandchildren, how many we plan on having, and if we want to live in the basement, while telling me that there is no one else in their right mind who could ever possibly put up with me.
She also thinks I need to be the "perfect student," study constantly and get a full scholarship to the E.K.U. branch in town (formerly located above a shopping center). I have a 4.5 GPA and she expects me to waste my life whithering away in this crappy hick town.
I'm really not too sure I can take this any more, and just feel the need to complain.

[Sam172]

You need a hug :(

[Hypnos]

Assert yourself -- your life, your right, your charge. I forced my parents to learn; even if your mother does not, at least you will be better off.

I recognize that this is easier said than done. Your parents can get under your skin, if for no other reason that you love them.

[CeSoirNoir]

I have a bit of the same relationship with my mother. We do not get along. My mother doesn't know me because I don't let her know me...And maybe that's the problem. I don't like to share things with her.
I hope things get better :)

[BritainOphira]

I've tried everything on earth, but nothing has ever changed. I do graduate in less than two years, at which time I plan on moving out of state, so that should help some, though I do realize that running from my problems will solve absolutely nothing.

[HairlessBluetick]

I have a bit of the same relationship with my mother. We do not get along. My mother doesn't know me because I don't let her know me...And maybe that's the problem. I don't like to share things with her.
I hope things get better :)

Ditto here. Is this a common problem with INTPs?

[Avengardh]

My mother treats me like a child still (I'm 20), when in reality she's the one who acts like the kid and I have to stay rational for the sake of not making things bigger.
In short I keep a lot to myself and I hope you don't do the same (^_^) because in the end it really really screws you up. Even if right before you leave you have to sit down and try to talk to her, I recommend it. It's not so much for her sake, but for yours (although talking to her seriously might really help her too), I had to do it eventually, and I tried plenty of times, it wasn't easy talking to her (I had to use bribery...emotional one...).

Just keep at it, and eventually she might realize that all she is truly doing is hurting you more in the end...even if you/she doesn't see it now, later on it will most likely pop up.

Good luck.

~*Aven*~

[Utopmk]

My mother thinks she knows me and doesn't. Everytime she calls here she talks about how guilty she feels for my childhood. She thinks everything I do is a cry for help. She thinks I should attend AA and NA meetings, so I won't get put in jail again. She doesn't understand that I am motivated by self indulgence, and am not living in constant spite of her. I think she watches too many fucking soap operas. I love her, I just can't stand her.

Is this what therapy is like?

[Melody]

My parents don't know me. It makes me sad. Waahhh. My dad wanted me to get a job right after high school. ^0^ I'm sending them an INTP profile. I hope they read it.

[libertarianjim]

For those of you under 18, living away from home is amazingly liberating. Whether it's college, grad school, or working, the ability to go back to your own dorm room or apartment and do what you want and keep it in any condition you want is just an awesome feeling.

Then ten years later you make the mistake of moving back home and remember again how badly it sucks. Damn do I need a job.

[EternalCynic]

I have a bit of the same relationship with my mother. We do not get along. My mother doesn't know me because I don't let her know me...And maybe that's the problem. I don't like to share things with her.
I hope things get better :)

Ditto here. Is this a common problem with INTPs?

Sounds like it :D.
I've tried so hard for -so- long to get along with my mother. We are really nothing alike, as I find fault in everything she does (hypocritical and being closed-minded are the biggies). I do my best to get along with her and she follows suit, but she really doesnt, and -can not- know me. If she did there would be NO chance of getting along, and I have to make the remaining time with her as bearable as possible. It's hard to supress my natural tendencies to correct her and call her out on all of her lies, but I make due.
Also, I'm pretty sure she wants to keep me around and close so that I'll be the one to take care of her when she goes senile -_-. I told them (mother and step-father) about personality types, and I'm hoping they'll understand our differences and be able to work through them.

..I can't wait to move! :D

[Slider]

hey, isn't Corbin, KY near Cumberland College?

[Division56]

I have the exact same problems.

The worst is when they don't see your life right up in their faces, they assume you don't have one.



I have every single problem, that every one of you have mentioned. :(

[int]

I felt out of place until I was 21 or 22. Living alone and a thousand miles away put some perspective in place though.

I get along with about half my family right now. My ENTJ father and my ENTP sister mostly. My brother tested as an INFP a few years ago and we can get along if we stick to tech talk.

No one really knows me or my brother very well...we tend to keep a lot to ourselves. So be it, I'm learning that I like it that way.

[Spartan26]

I plan on moving out of state, so that should help some, though I do realize that running from my problems will solve absolutely nothing.

No, in this case that solves a lot of problems. At another time I'll bring up the theory some college football coaches assert before recruiting athletes from out of state -- people only run 'from something' and never run 'to anything' and it's important to figure out what exactly they're running from, so as to determine if those problems are going to remain even though they appear to be leaving behind their symptoms.

But part of "your" problem is not "your" problem, in that your folks look at you and still see the one who got scared at the first sight of Mickey Mouse or who couldn't make it from the mall to your front door without peeing your pants. :blush:

It's like those kids in your class who were normally quiet, introverted and nerdy, who were basically ignorned throughout school, (OK, us intp's) who come back over summer break having grown half a foot, gained 50 lbs of musle or sprouted 38 D boobs and can now buy alcohol without needing ID. In my day it was called a late growth spurt. Today it's called plastic surgery.

Your parents need you to shatter their own misguied preception they have of you, which generally only comes by moving away. ;P Conversely, I think ir'd be best for you to move away and fully realize the person you are. Like in the Bible, the Isrealites were supposed to be in the desert for 40 days after leaving Egypt to break their way of thinking of themselves as slaves. But then it took 40 years. Whether you'd be successful spending a summer abroad or semester away at school, you never know. Often times it's years, if ever, on some issues.

Your parents have had a lifetime of developing bad habits. It takes patience to break them of some of these. :banghead: Some things just become non-issues. Other things you have to really assert yourself and establish boundaries. :rant:

I think this is really tough for intp's because we tend to let things go and not realize how much someone has pissed us off in crossing our boundaries until suddenly we wake up one day and decide we never want to deal with that person ever again. :angry: And we're generally very effective in fulfilling our wish quotent. Plus it seems like you still respect the authority of the office of parental units even though you feel present policy is in dire need of reform. :thumbdow: It can be hard to reconcile in your mind what could only be described as cognative dissonance in compling with the office of parency and telling them they don't know what their doing. 8O

As someone in his 30's I can say, something's get better, some never change. Being away has a way of reducing the conflict. Plus you encounter bigger problems in life. :cheers:

[int]

I like that post. :)

[Jkrs]

I have a bit of the same relationship with my mother. We do not get along. My mother doesn't know me because I don't let her know me...And maybe that's the problem. I don't like to share things with her.
I hope things get better :)
Ditto here. Is this a common problem with INTPs?
It does appear to be. Most of my family doesn't know me at all, though my father seems to think I'm transparent. (My grandmother, a very perceptive person, is aware that it's all a mask. I have yet to discover what she thinks is behind it.) I don't give them much information because they'll not only instantly have an opinion, they'll expect it to have significant importance to any further decisions I make. Even when I can poke holes in that opinion large enough to fly a jet through, that they either can't or won't acknowledge.

I prefer to be somewhat distanced from them, really. Much more that would need to be hidden for the sake of a smooth relationship can simply be omitted. I suspect that if they truly became aware that I'm primarily motivated by self-interest, or that their opinions generally have less weight due to my experiences with the obvious problems that such tend to contain, they'd be rather hurt. And that's not something I want to deal with the fallout from.


Spartan 26? I don't drink, but have one on me. :cheers: :)

[Edit: Finished second paragraph. I really shouldn't post when I'm about to fall asleep.]

[Sam172]

I get on surpisingly well with my mother.....apart from she not letting me go vegan or give up eating fish ¬_¬

[nobarcode]

I have always struggled with my parents. My father (recently tested as an ESFP(not too sure about the P)) thinks I have brain damage from teen-age drug use, which he chooses to tell my sister instead of to my face (an entire thread could be made about family dynamics, if not an entire website.). He thinks....WHATEVER he wants to suit HIS need. That's what it all comes down to. My mother, an ISFJ, of course thinks I MUST be an alien from another planet. Yet, is always supportive, when she is not smothering me.

I dropped out of high-school and moved to another state when I turned 18. Yes, that did help. But, all the messages I still heard. I still let their messeges live rent-free inside my brain at times. It's taken many years to overcome that. I need the physical space to "see" it.

I would reiterate the alienation that we seem to have regarding parents/family with only one exception, my INTP (possible J) grandfather. He was my only connection, but he died 2 years ago.

[nobarcode]

....."they don't see your life right up in their faces, they assume you don't have one."

THAT would be an Ideal Title for this thread. B)

[BritainOphira]

hey, isn't Corbin, KY near Cumberland College?

Yeah. Cumberland is in Williamsburg, which is about twenty miles south on I-75.

Also, thanks Spartan26 and everyone else. (Does the "I'm not the only one" dance.)

[Spartan26]

I have always struggled with my parents. My father ... thinks....WHATEVER he wants to suit HIS need.

I dropped out of high-school and moved to another state when I turned 18. Yes, that did help. But, all the messages I still heard. I still let their messeges live rent-free inside my brain at times. It's taken many years to overcome that. I need the physical space to "see" it.

I would reiterate the alienation that we seem to have regarding parents/family with only one exception, my INTP (possible J) grandfather. He was my only connection, but he died 2 years ago.

Yeah, I should put a disclaimer that I don't just mean leave in a huff and that'll solve all your problems. The story of Prodigal Son hinges on the son actually returning home...

Not to cause worry or hang a cloud over you, but as Nobarcode pointed out, tomorrow is not promised to any one of us. So trying to keep a line of communication open, at least, can be very helpful in showing your maturity process as well as reconciling with them later on. A lot of people put it off and put it off until the gap seems too wide to conquer or something happens and they never get that chance... :(

Not to hijack this thread but I'm feeling ya, Nobarcode. I have a loving relatinship with my parents but there are some things that continue to fester. Not constatnly but they'll occasionally pop up.

I work to forgive them and in the process am learning to forgive myself. (Huge!) Plus admit to myself that they are having to forgive me as well. :whistle: But when I think of some of my problems or things or traits I work to correct about myself that seem so hard and never ending, not even intentionally, those memories of the things my parents did that hurt me or caused me to think incorrectly (basically me feeling I have to look at myself they way they saw me - yikes) will pop up in my head and infuriate me.

But now I suppose I look for the positive in each little step I make with them. It was never like abuse but just sometimes expecting the worst and not a having a positive attitude that seemed to have such a monumental affect on me. So I try to think of how it must've been for them and when I try to understand how their shortcommings came about it makes it a little easier for me. Not a lot but a little. :laser:

[int]

S26 - Your words are more appropriate to me than I thought possible. Ever.

Thanks.

[Spartan26]

And thanks to all of you for showing me some love - :hello: :cheers:

[unynh3d]

My mother is convinced that ...
...
I'm really not too sure I can take this any more, and just feel the need to complain.

Hope I'm not rude jumping in so soon, as I only jumped in the pool a few days ago.

I'm 42 and can't tell you how many times I've dealt with this, with my own parents and my own children. I can tell you that time and perspective helps.

For instance: When I was 7 my parents got divorced. They were both 30 at the time. Dad didn't show his face for 6 months (forever for a kid) and that left such a scar. I tried everything to reconcile that pain. Then one day I woke up and I was 30. I swear that the only thing different than when I was 18 was responsibility and money. My dad called me for my birthday and I somehow got around to asking "What were you doing when you turned 30?" You know his answer. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I told him "You were just a kid!" That's an example of time healing wounds.

Another is with Jamie, my stepdaughter. She went insane at 13 and didn't come out of it till she was 22. At one point I felt "If I can just get her to her 18th birthday alive I'll be happy." I drew a lot of hard lines when I was in my 20s and 30s. I realize now that I drove her crazy as much as she drove me crazy. Now with my youngest (12) I'm a lot mellower. I listen more, I jump less and I suggest a lot. I draw hard lines on things that matter, but I've learned to pick my battles carefully.

[Phreon]

Your problems sound so very, very common. I was labled "gifted" and "learning disabled" as a kid. Try living with a neurotic mother who couldn't reconcile the two (misapplied labels)

Circumstances forced me to move back in with the "rents" at the tender age of 30. I can tell you that I suffer now, everything you've described.

Take heart in knowing that even though they're incapable of fully understanding you (your type), they still love you and are expressing it in their own misguided way.

Fully accepting my type (INTP) was quite liberating in that it gave me the "permission" to accept that the way I am is a strength and that others may not fully understand me through no fault of mine or their own. We're just different.

Personally, I've found that volunteering as little information as possible is quite helpful. That and staying away from home, as well.

You're stuck in the stage of your life where you have to "grin and bear it". Stick to the path you know is right for YOU, because before you know it, you'll be outta there, living by your own personal code. Use that 4.5 to get you as far away as possible. Not to run away, but to give yourself some breathing room to figure out how to live life on your own terms. College life will be a revelation. Trust me.

Phreon

[howiec]

My mother is convinced that she knows me. She does not. She is constantly bitching because I do not spend enough time with my family and therefore I never know what is going on (as in who is sick, who went crazy, who people I've never met are).
She thinks I am a neurotic, slutty, bulimic, anorexic lesbian freak with horrible hair. In reality, I am only neurotic. She is also convinced that the perfect guy for me is my gay best friend. She constantly asks what I am going to name her grandchildren, how many we plan on having, and if we want to live in the basement, while telling me that there is no one else in their right mind who could ever possibly put up with me.
She also thinks I need to be the "perfect student," study constantly and get a full scholarship to the E.K.U. branch in town (formerly located above a shopping center). I have a 4.5 GPA and she expects me to waste my life whithering away in this crappy hick town.
I'm really not too sure I can take this any more, and just feel the need to complain.
*waves hand frantically in the air* It's me! It's me! I'm the best friend!

[Google Monster]

:)

[nobarcode]

.........
Personally, I've found that volunteering as little information as possible is quite helpful. That and staying away from home, as well.
Phreon

I found this to be key ( If not a rule) as well, once I figured it out. That by providing information, I was actually providing ammunition. It wasn't until either they matured or I matured did I become more open with them. Instead and until then I found mentors.

I still don't divulge much at all with my parents, but I try to take advantage of opportunities when I see them. It's funny, parents seem to become like children again. I had this discussion with someone the other day.


....it all comes back around one way or another.

[Deleted Expletive]

I don't understand my daughter or my parents - who didn't understand their parents or vice versa and neither did my grandparents and great grandparents understand each other. My grandparents only knew hard word so had no humor. My parents were angry because they grew up without humor. I was rebellious because I grew up with anger. Big surprise I don't understand my daughter.

Point is, it's the parents fault so make them deal with it and get on with your life.

[Laeskis]

Tell her to shut up, and go away.
If she fails to comprehend and continues to drone; tune her out...continue to intermittently tell her to 'shut up; go away'
I doubt that she will kill you.

It will eventually work.

I'm serious.

edit: This method should not be attempted by people who may actually like/love their parents.

[Star Cannon]

.......

I dislike my parents. Both of them.
Mom is too clingy and naggy for her good.
Dad is just... the worst incompetant ignoramus of a fool I've ever seen. He's also the biggest cuase of friction in my life, in my mothers life, if he died tomorrow I would dancing and wearing all the colors of the rainbow. No tears are reserved for him.

Mom is closeminded. She thinks she knows whats best for me but I disagree. I think I should a get a job, move out, find a place to live, be extremely spartan and not have cable. Also I will live within my means and if my parents think I can't live without them -- ohhooooo do I have a surprise for them.

[Laeskis]

I quit living my parents when I was 15. I think that worked out just fine.