Years later, I am still in love.

[Hexchild]

She is perfect. She does all the right things.

She's got the look. It's not that plastic, exaggeratingly gleaming, commercially motivated glamour crap. She is naturally beautiful.

No, that doesn't cut it. She is naturally hot.

We share the same employer. Almost, at least. We work in the same room.

She likes me, I can tell. It's the way she acts around me. It's the things she says, the way she makes up little excuses for things that nobody knew anyway. The way she brushes her hair away when she looks at me. The way she asks questions about me.

She is smart. She is genuine. As far as I can tell anyway.

We have so many things in common. Little things, things that don't matter but still means the world.

I find that I like her too. She is perfect. She does all the right things.

The situation changes. My employer ceases to exist. Her employer no longer needs her. It could end right there, but we both make a choice. She finds another job in the same house. I cling to the possibility, so we won't lose sight of each other. If it weren't for her, I would choose a better job.

She knows what I feel. How can she possibly not know? I am like an open book.

I don't hide my feelings. She does. I can't tell for sure what she wants.

She is different when her friends are around.

She still wants me. I can tell. But things get awkward. Why do things have to get awkward?

I should have known. I overhear a phone call. Her boyfriend is a lucky bastard. Girls like her are born with boyfriends. How could I even consider any other possibility? I wish he didn't exist. I can't blame him. I can't blame anyone. I love her. From the other side of the room. I am crushed.

She loves me back?

She is generous. She provides me with sensual experiences. Nothing physical, nothing outspoken, nothing vulgar. But still sensual. It's like a silent promise.

See but not touch. She is toying with my feelings. I suffer gluttonously.

I resign. But I can't give up. I just stay away, incapable of leaving. If I left, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

I am indecisive. My choice depends on hers.

Finally I understand. She is indecisive too. But she is not willing to make even the smallest sacrifice to find out what she wants.

I would have given up the world for her. In fact, I already did. I left everything behind for a lousy job. I would give up even more if it were mutual. But instead, I clam up and stay out of sight.

She turns me down and leaves. She does all the right things.

She is perfect.

[kikthinking]

i've been in love with a girl for three and a half years, which we spent two years of it dating. we broke up eight months ago. and every day that passes makes me that sure she's the one for me. i've been through at least 15 girls while still in love with her, yet no one comes even close to her. i'll always love her.

i saw her in philly yesterday, and spent the entire day together doing nothing but walking; it was the best time i've had in a long long long time.

at least she has feelings for you. mine has forever turned away from me. we'll be friend and nothing more. i'll die slowly cause of it.

[ChristiRB]

Actually..that is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. It's pure NT poetry. *reads again*

[Hexchild]

at least she has feelings for you

I might have given you the wrong idea then, because I really don't have a clue whether she still does. I haven't seen or heard from her in years.

[Zero Angel]

Regrets are the worst, huh?

I went through a similar situation about 6 months ago, and I would rather feel emotional or physical pain then a regret of lost love again. I think that you will learn from your experience, or just not be so damned romantic (edit: which is probably a good idea. Agreeing with much of hustlers following post.).

[Hustler]

She will never love you the way you want her to. You will never have happiness here. You have projected your desires onto her. She is not interested in you and likely never will be. You are but a satellite, and you have allowed her inadvertent seduction of you to bring you pain, frustration and a diminished sense of self-worth. Get some self-respect and move on to more fertile ground. Escape this way of life or suffer some long years. Discontinue idealizing women in this way or you will be intimidated into inaction and misery. They are but flesh and blood, like you, and in them you will never find perfection.

[ChristiRB]

Hex, your story makes me so sad, but at the same time it is incredibly beautiful. It seems so pure, childlike, innocent. I love how you express your words in such a way that I can actually visualize it in my mind as I read it...as though I am actually there with you.

Unrequited/unrealized/unacted upon love, yes I know that pain well.

[Hexchild]

She will never love you the way you want her to. You will never have happiness here. You have projected your desires onto her. She is not interested in you and likely never will be. You are but a satellite, and you have allowed her inadvertent seduction of you to bring you pain, frustration and a diminished sense of self-worth. Get some self-respect and move on to more fertile ground. Escape this way of life or suffer some long years. Discontinue idealizing women in this way or you will be intimidated into inaction and misery. They are but flesh and blood, like you, and in them you will never find perfection.

I'm all too aware of the idealizing issue (although your viewpoints are a tad bit cynical I must say - neither you nor I have a clue what she feels about me), but my love for her doesn't listen to reason anyway. In any case I have pretty much let her go by now, and my time with her has mostly been reduced to a sad memory that I occasionally get reminded of.

That said, if she were to knock on my door tomorrow and ask me to be her boyfriend I would say yes immediately, without hesitation.

[kwis]

I kind of had the same thing happen to me a few times(and it will happen many more times). Hustler is right. Woman do not like to be worshipped like a deity. It freaks them out and makes you seem desperate and pathetic. Also realize while you probably spend hours a day thinking about if person likes you, they have 5 times as many friends as you do and you never even cross their mind.

[Zero Angel]

I figure I get by fine by trying not to think of it. It does the mind no good to worry so much about something that is false. Romantic love is all temporary and bullshit anyways right?. Hormones, synapses, limbic resonance, then it all goes away.

One of Swift's laws of power is "Disdain what you cannot have". I think that makes sense when it comes to women (edit: not as a whole, but in regards to romance).

[Hexchild]

I love how you express your words in such a way that I can actually visualize it in my mind as I read it...as though I am actually there with you.

I guess that's my curse - I only wish I were half as good at emotional and social stuff as I am with words.

[Hustler]

I'm all too aware of the idealizing issue (although your viewpoints are a tad bit cynical I must say - neither you nor I have a clue what she feels about me), but my love for her doesn't listen to reason anyway. In any case I have pretty much let her go by now, and my time with her has mostly been reduced to a sad memory that I occasionally get reminded of.

Please. I am right and I think you know it. Play the "you can't know for sure" card if you want to, but it is just your way of rationalizing...of holding out some small hope to justify the self-respect you have hemmohraged away as your enfatuation has gone unrequited. She views you as a friend; nothing more. Her genetic imperatives have ruled you out entirely, yet you still hold to some glimmer of hope. Why? Are you not aware that there are millions upon millions of other women available to you out in the world? No, your rational mind is well aware of that. It is the idealization to which you still cling. But the truth you refuse to accept is that her perfection is an illusion. How perfect could she be if she cannot plainly see the idealistic romantic future for the two of you which is so obvious to you? How perfect could she be if you simply do not interest her on a romantic level the way she does you? Something must be wrong that she is blind to the umlimited romantic potential between the two of you, the euphoric bliss which would encompass your lives together.


That said, if she were to knock on my door tomorrow and ask me to be her boyfriend I would say yes immediately, without hesitation.

And that is the problem. You can never really be her friend until you BOTH have no desire to take the "friendship" to a romantic level. Until such time, you are but a satellite, banished to the realm of friendship and frustration, while she gleefully accepts the advances of men who are not you. Perhaps she will add further insult to injury by sharing the woes she has with her romantic partners with you, further dissolving your self-worth as you wonder why she cannot see what is right in front of her.

She never will. And you have sacrificed your dignity, keeping a job which is beneath you when you could have moved on to bigger and better, and possibly missing out on several other opportunities you have not elected to share with us or acknowledge yourself, for an empty dream. That you cling to her -- or at least to some idealized vision of her or of you and her -- will only lower your estimation in her eyes further, ironically pushing you further away.

The sooner you quit your job, get your life in order and stop relying on her for validation (real or imagined), the better. Until then, despite what you said, you have not let her go and you have not moved on.

[Hexchild]

Hustler, if I knew better I'd say you were trolling. Nevertheless, I'll ignore the keepers' warnings for now and feed you for a bit, because you seem to have gotten a whole bunch of ideas wrong.



Her genetic imperatives have ruled you out entirely, yet you still hold to some glimmer of hope.


It is the idealization to which you still cling.

No, I gave up on that hope years ago. The idealized image of her might still be there in my mind somewhere, in the form of a sad memory, but I'm not clinging to it. I stopped doing that about a year and a half after I last saw her.



But the truth you refuse to accept is that her perfection is an illusion.

I have already accepted this long ago and come to terms with it. It's the emotion that lingers, not the hope of getting romantically involved with my version of an ideal woman.



You can never really be her friend until you BOTH have no desire to take the "friendship" to a romantic level.

There is no "friendship". I haven't heard from her in years.



And you have sacrificed your dignity, keeping a job which is beneath you when you could have moved on to bigger and better, and possibly missing out on several other opportunities you have not elected to share with us or acknowledge yourself, for an empty dream. The sooner you quit your job, get your life in order and stop relying on her for validation (real or imagined), the better.

I quit that job long ago, so you're a bit late telling me this.

[SgtWalrus]

Whether or not he's a troll, the guy with a porn name is right.

The truth on unrequited love is never easy to hear, then again medicine never tastes good.

I went through a nearly indentical situation years ago. Working with them makes it worse ~ seeing them day-in-day-out.

Like you, I felt that she returned my feelings. Some things were even done to affirm that.

In retrospect I know I was infatuated with a tease. I would have never called her that then. Oh No, in my blind idealism she was the most beautiful soul I ever met. How we elevate these flesh and blood creatures to Goddess status.

Frankly, they are less like goddesses and more like sirens luring us into hell.

Rationalizing love is never a good thing, dismiss it as synapses and brain chemicals, you'll never uncover the mystery of it. The only way to dull the pain is to pull yourself off of the pavement and face life with all the gusto you can muster. Then you will wonder how you ever felt that way about her.

[meshou]

I'm in love with a guy years later from high school. ENTP.

Was it unrequited? Urk, soooo hard to say. I can describe what happened, but it'd take too long, and probably leave ya'll just as confused as I was.

Current boyfriend was scarily like he was in high school-- skinny-ass sociopathic bastards. Now mine's a mellowed bastard.

Wouldn't trade 'em. But still wonder about him sometimes.

[Hustler]

I quit that job long ago, so you're a bit late telling me this.


Be that as it may, as long as you can still say this,


That said, if she were to knock on my door tomorrow and ask me to be her boyfriend I would say yes immediately, without hesitation.

then you have really made no progress, no matter how many years, jobs or miles separate the two of you.

[floyd]

attractive people activate chemicals in the brain which makes you remember them (familiar people also have this effect but less so). now if you are a self centered person who mistakes these chemical tricks for cosmic significance you will potentially fixate on people who have no or little interest to you. so it's important to understand the phenomena of one sided attraction and learn to discern between mutual attraction and one sided...

beyond sensing whether there is a mutual attraction one of the biggest things to note is the egocentric-accommodation level of you and the other person. if you are both more egocentric (many egocentrics are blind to their selfishness, some have just been habituated to other people going out of their way for them or are just wired to expect priority), i think chances of anything happening are not great as each person expects (consciously or unconsciously) the other person to revolve around them. either people meet in the middle or one of them, more often, caters to the whims of the other... i think most relationships are more like the later than the former. if you are more egocentric and don't think you will ever change, focus on finding an accommodator.

[blue beetle]

Hello Hexchild,
your story is a sad one. It happens to me all the time, but only lasts about 2 weeks or so, and is not very intense. I envy you for being able to feel so strongly about some one. Better to love and lose... so they say.

[cathmc]

Hmmmm...I liked the writing too, at first, when I thought it was an ode to someone you had been with for years...if you really know someone, and know their flaws, and can write like that about them, well it's very sweet. But as it is I have to agree it sounds like you are in love with an ideal, an image as opposed to a real person. How many years are we talking? What if she's put on 25 lbs, or lost all her hair, or had some hard knocks in life that make her bitter and angry?
Maybe this is just for fun and giggles, not to be taken seriously...?
But if this is an infatuation that's keeping you from pursuing relationships with real women in your real life now, that is really a problem.

[Inflatable]

Hindsight adds polish.

I find in situations like this it helps to remember some of her worse qualities.
It will be difficult as people tend not to remember the bad or painful, but anything you can dredge up will help.

[Hexchild]

Maybe this is just for fun and giggles, not to be taken seriously...?

It does stem from a highly emotional period in my life. Keep in mind, though, that the above "poem" is not the entire truth (the entire truth would be too freakin' large for this forum), and it has certainly been molded into a readable/poetic form that only conveys an outline of the most important of my experiences during that time. For example, I intentionally granted extra focus on the "sensual teasing" part because it affected my feelings so deeply (this only happened during a few weeks, and she apologised vaguely afterwards).

Whether to have fun with and/or giggle at this piece is entirely up to you :)



But as it is I have to agree it sounds like you are in love with an ideal, an image as opposed to a real person. How many years are we talking?

If I remember this correctly we're talking about two years' worth of story here (not counting the time it has taken to [almost completely] get over her). Yes, I was in love with an ideal at least at the beginning. Time allowed me to find out about some of her flaws, though. I accepted them and loved them, and they sort of became part of her perfection. In a way it was still idealizing I guess, because my ideal was gradually adapted to fit into my perceived image of her.



What if she's put on 25 lbs, or lost all her hair, or had some hard knocks in life that make her bitter and angry?

Assuming she'd actually turn out to be still interested in me and that we'd hear from each other (neither is particularly likely), I confess I'd probably feel like I was robbed of the best part of her life, something like that. Still I'm pretty sure I would love her either way. Believe me, what I feel is definitely not just some desire for her body.



But if this is an infatuation that's keeping you from pursuing relationships with real women in your real life now, that is really a problem.

I've always had severe problems pursuing relationships with women, and I still do. However, I was completely uninterested in anyone else for at least a year and a half after she quit and left.

[Hexchild]

Hindsight adds polish.

I find in situations like this it helps to remember some of her worse qualities.
It will be difficult as people tend not to remember the bad or painful, but anything you can dredge up will help.

Her worse qualities (and believe me, I do remember some) don't really bother me that much. In either case it's far too late to start resenting her; it would serve no function but to make me bitter.

[Hexchild]

Be that as it may, as long as you can still say this,


That said, if she were to knock on my door tomorrow and ask me to be her boyfriend I would say yes immediately, without hesitation.

then you have really made no progress, no matter how many years, jobs or miles separate the two of you.

So tell me, assuming you're a single, straight male, how would you react if a hot girl knocked on your door and asked you to be her boyfriend?

[Nighthawk]

It seems so pure, childlike, innocent.
The INTP's inferior Fe is very childlike and innocent when it comes out. (But it can also be a little brat) When INTP's fall, they fall hard.

[cathmc]

Whether to have fun with and/or giggle at this piece is entirely up to you
Well what I meant by that was maybe it was just a freeform poem kinda thing and I was taking it to seriously being all 'hey, I think you're in love with an ideal, and you have a problem' and etc. etc. (Like I said, taken just as a piece of writing I quite liked it)
It sounds like it's NOT just a freeform poem kinda thing. In which case, well you've probably got all the unsolicited advice from me and others that you want. Good luck getting from 'almost over her' to 'over her'.

[Hexchild]

Whether to have fun with and/or giggle at this piece is entirely up to you
Well what I meant by that was maybe it was just a freeform poem kinda thing and I was taking it to seriously being all 'hey, I think you're in love with an ideal, and you have a problem' and etc. etc. (Like I said, taken just as a piece of writing I quite liked it)
It sounds like it's NOT just a freeform poem kinda thing. In which case, well you've probably got all the unsolicited advice from me and others that you want. Good luck getting from 'almost over her' to 'over her'.

It was both serious and non-serious at once, like most things I do. I rarely differentiate between the two anyway for any extended period of time. What I meant by my answer (which was drenched with subtle INTP humor by the way) was that it is - and should be - your own choice which way to relate to my post, and that I won't mind either way. Although I'd prefer both. :)

As for the matter of unsolicited advice, I didn't quite expect this thread to become so popular, but I don't have a problem with people spewing advice all over me as long as it's no more than I can handle sifting through. Bring it on; some of it may be useful to me after all. I just hope people don't expect me to soak it right in without objecting to some of their wild assumptions.

[Sir Isaac Lime]

So, does this story end by you chopping her up and dumping the body in a lake?

Cynicism may be mandatory to pull you away from the fantasy world you're slipping into. People you're romantically involved with generally don't like being thought of as perfect. It's delusional and adds horrible expectations to the other person, who slowly becomes invalidated as she/he exponentially fails to live up to your viewpoint.

Right now you're the Teddy Bear. This is someone who naively become infatuated with women who have no intention of seriously dating him. It's partly her fault, because shes likely stringing you along with just enough false hope to preserve your status as Teddy Bear. Basically she talks to you about the bullshit the person shes sleeping with has no intention of hearing. You'll also "be there for her" when she needs rides, dates and emotional support. This is bad.

</splashing water bucket of reality>