libertarianjim
13 Sep 2004, 08:43 AM
Last week, I took the first round of my Ph.D comprehensive exams, the written exam. I don't know how I did (I'm one of those self-doubters when my work is being evaluated) but it was a relief to finally do it. After my divorce, almost four years ago, my academic career had more or less stalled, so just taking the exam was a sort of moral victory for me.
The day I returned the exam, I felt (for the first time in a very long time) some enthusiasm, and I dove right into compiling data for a research project I've been thinking about but not really pursuing, and managed to make considerable headway with the data.
The same day, I recieved the results from a civil service exam in statistics that I'd taken a month earlier, and I whomped the exam's ass. So I was flying at this point.
Saturday, I started coming down. I went to a neighbor girl's wedding, and her brother (my best friend in elementary school) was a total player at the wedding. Drunk, obnoxious, arrogant, and getting attention from every attractive girl there. I was mystified by this; I know I shouldn't be, I know the world works that way, but it's worth restating that quiet dignity and intelligent conversation are horribly underrated.
So then this evening, while I was back compiling data (after working on it all day) my father turned off the lights I was using to read, the overhead lights for the cieling fan. He actually starting cursing and sniping at me that I was wasting electricity by using lights that enabled me to actually read and work, as opposed to a 40-watt bulb in a lamp with a thick shade and a floor lamp that was across the room from me.
I decided that I didn't need that shit and decided to go to the bar. And in walks my ex-sister-in-law. Whom, for the record, is about as sharp as a bowling ball, and didn't pick up on the fact that I wasn't interested in chatting with the sister of the woman who smiled and laughed as the reduced my existence to a smoking ruin.
I went from unburdened and enthusiastic to depressed again. From making academic progress to again feeling the obtrusive presence of the two most toxic relationships ever in my life, those with my father and ex-wife. All of my research momentum and enthusiasm is sapped.
Who else has had a sharp emotional alternation lately?
The day I returned the exam, I felt (for the first time in a very long time) some enthusiasm, and I dove right into compiling data for a research project I've been thinking about but not really pursuing, and managed to make considerable headway with the data.
The same day, I recieved the results from a civil service exam in statistics that I'd taken a month earlier, and I whomped the exam's ass. So I was flying at this point.
Saturday, I started coming down. I went to a neighbor girl's wedding, and her brother (my best friend in elementary school) was a total player at the wedding. Drunk, obnoxious, arrogant, and getting attention from every attractive girl there. I was mystified by this; I know I shouldn't be, I know the world works that way, but it's worth restating that quiet dignity and intelligent conversation are horribly underrated.
So then this evening, while I was back compiling data (after working on it all day) my father turned off the lights I was using to read, the overhead lights for the cieling fan. He actually starting cursing and sniping at me that I was wasting electricity by using lights that enabled me to actually read and work, as opposed to a 40-watt bulb in a lamp with a thick shade and a floor lamp that was across the room from me.
I decided that I didn't need that shit and decided to go to the bar. And in walks my ex-sister-in-law. Whom, for the record, is about as sharp as a bowling ball, and didn't pick up on the fact that I wasn't interested in chatting with the sister of the woman who smiled and laughed as the reduced my existence to a smoking ruin.
I went from unburdened and enthusiastic to depressed again. From making academic progress to again feeling the obtrusive presence of the two most toxic relationships ever in my life, those with my father and ex-wife. All of my research momentum and enthusiasm is sapped.
Who else has had a sharp emotional alternation lately?