3rd Wheel

[Utopmk]

Have you ever been friends with someone who is in a relationship, who tries to drag you along with them every step of the way? What if you had a good friend who did not think he could handle a relationship without out you as his wingman? What do you do if this friend's love interest starts to become attracted to you? What if it is mutual? What would be the appropriate way to deal with this situation, with the least amount of uncomfort?

[libertarianjim]

A few questions, just for clarification:

1) How good of a friend are we talking about?

2) How long have you known the love interest? Is the love interest a friend too?

The rule that I follow is that loyalty among friends is the single most important moral obligation one has (unless you are married, in which case loyalty to your spouse is more important, obviously). If the love interest is a longstanding friend as well, however, the situation might be much more sticky.

[Johnny]

:lol: Did you know that people pay good money for this kind of entertainment? You should consider this...

If I was in your shoes, I'd boil it down to a simple choice, make it, and then ride damage-control thought trains for a brief time to see if I still liked my decision. If it was still good enough, I'd go with it and get back to living.

[Utopmk]

A few questions, just for clarification:

1) How good of a friend are we talking about?

2) How long have you known the love interest? Is the love interest a friend too?

The rule that I follow is that loyalty among friends is the single most important moral obligation one has (unless you are married, in which case loyalty to your spouse is more important, obviously). If the love interest is a longstanding friend as well, however, the situation might be much more sticky.


1) Excellent

2) Not long at all. No.


:lol: Did you know that people pay good money for this kind of entertainment? You should consider this...

If I was in your shoes, I'd boil it down to a simple choice, make it, and then ride damage-control thought trains for a brief time to see if I still liked my decision. If it was still good enough, I'd go with it and get back to living.

I've been in the same situation before, with a different friend. My reasoning then was that the girl would never be sincere to him. I dated her and had sex with her, and it all got back to him. I've never seen anyone get that emotional in my life. The fling faded, ofcourse, and things will never be the same with my friend.

I know if it came down to it, I would lose all control, and give into my carnal desires., so...The better question is, should I detatch myself from the scene, to avoid future regret?

[libertarianjim]

If this is really a good friend, you have to extract yourself from the situation. If the relationship fails (and it sounds like it will) then ask your friend if it's ok to ask the love interest out. I wouldn't mention the mutual attraction unless the relationship turns long-term-yet-unhealthy.

To put it crassly, "Bros before hos."

[ohnoaninfp]

All I know that most of my friends, wo I don't talk to anymore have to have boyfriends!!! One of my friends has to bring her fianccee' around with her all of the time. It really pisses me off. She sees him 24/7. Why does he have to come every where I go. She never has money, so if I take her some where she expects me to pay for her guy as well. Seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am trying to not be friends with her anymore, because she is using me.

[jimkopelli]

This goes another way, too... Imagine being in a relationship where the other person always has to bring a friend along... talk about chaperonage...

[ohnoaninfp]

I can understand for like the first time you meet the person, but after that your significant other needs to tell his friend to stay home. You are dating her, not both her and her friend, so why should her friend come along. Nothing makes sense in this world.

[s]

All I know that most of my friends, wo I don't talk to anymore have to have boyfriends!!! One of my friends has to bring her fianccee' around with her all of the time. It really pisses me off. She sees him 24/7. Why does he have to come every where I go. She never has money, so if I take her some where she expects me to pay for her guy as well. Seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am trying to not be friends with her anymore, because she is using me.

Yea, she is. Invite her out for lunch and when she professes to be sans cash, get up and leave... for good.

Back in high school, I was the third wheel a lot. It can be a weird situtation to be in, because you become a part of the relationship equation. If it feels unhealthy, get out the situation and move on.

[Laeskis]

What I would do would be considered immoral. All's fair in love and war.

[s]

What I would do would be considered immoral. All's fair in love and war.

I've done that, too.

[Laeskis]

BTW:
S
We may be young, but we're not powerless. We play by their rules long enough and it becomes our game."
- Valentine ("Ender's Game")


That's good. Real good.

[Jezebel]

If I had a good friend who was in a relationship with someone I was attracted to, I still would not consider cheating or trying to break them apart. I'm very against cheating and I would not even contribute to it, even if I didn't know the person they were cheating on. Good friends are harder for me to find than people interested in relationships, so I place a much higher value on maintaining the friendship.

[int]

I know if it came down to it, I would lose all control, and give into my carnal desires., so...The better question is, should I detatch myself from the scene, to avoid future regret?

Regret what? The loss of friendship? How close is the guy?

Seriously, it's the chick's fault. Not you or your friend's. Let her be the idiot. If your buddy can't eventually get over it, he's probably holding onto something that doesn't exist. Unless *he* hasn't slept with her yet. That'd just be cruel of you. :mellow: :) :mellow:

[Deleted Expletive]

I'm totally loyal to "real" friends and assumed all INTP's would be. Guess we aren't all completely alike.

[nobarcode]

What do you mean by him needing you as a "wingman". Is it because he's just insecure or something.

I got together once with one of my very good friend's girlfriend while in high school. I don't recommend it. He still brings that up to me, now almost 20 years later. I would never do that again.

*int*
And yeah, the chick made me do it. It was all her fault.

[int]

"Real" friends do go under different scrutiny here as well, which is why I asked how close the guy is.

Still, I'm sure Utopmk knows how his "carnal desires" work best.

And I mean it's her fault if she is not loyal. Not "it's her fault for making me do it." I think I've shown my position as far as "personal responsibility" is concerned in the past and I stand in that position in regards to this thread, as well.

[Laeskis]

well, if it's a real friend it'd be different.
If it isn't that 1 in a 100 real friend, then it's....fair.
It takes two to tango, it's not like you have a melevolent purpose...or are mind-controlling your friends crush.
You wouldn't be violating a relationship either. because there obviously isn't any real spark else the crush wouldn't be taking the opportunity to cheat in the first place.
Just don't lie about it and sneak around. Own up.

[file cabinet]

If I didn't value the relationship with the male then it wouldn't be a total loss.

[Claverhouse]

And yeah, the chick made me do it. It was all her fault.

[ Shaking head gravely ]

The old, old story. Your honesty and natural decency was flawed by temptation from a wanton. But sometimes, you know, these things are just meant to be...


:rofl: :ph34r: :D



Claverhouse :ph34r:

[s]

well, if it's a real friend it'd be different.
If it isn't that 1 in a 100 real friend, then it's....fair.
It takes two to tango, it's not like you have a melevolent purpose...or are mind-controlling your friends crush.
You wouldn't be violating a relationship either. because there obviously isn't any real spark else the crush wouldn't be taking the opportunity to cheat in the first place.
Just don't lie about it and sneak around. Own up.

My Dad met my Mom, when he was dating her roommate. Momma took charge, they fell madly in love, and she proposed to him and they lived happily ever after until her death.

Now... a true friend, I would never betray (so that narrows it down to two handfuls of people). A flaky roommate? Well, "all is fair..."

[Utopmk]

I took a different strategy. I spent alot of time with my friend, too much time!
I made the girl jealous of the attention he was giving me, and they had a little talk. I was carried home shortly after, feelings and uncomfort spared. :devil: He better watch out though.