Motherhood

[synchronous]

You look, walk and talk like a woman. You are physically equipped with the essentials for motherhood. Maybe your parents or relatives think you'd make a great mother (hunh?). But, you are tuned into intellecutal pursuits. You may have an aversion to babies and little children - their seemingly irrational, emotional impulses - having to share time, space and energy, especially with little beings who have very limited ability to engage you in an intellectual discusion. And, your ambivalence in the area of feelings and being 'in the moment' to meet their needs makes you seriously wonder whether you'll ever go down that path. AHHHH!!! The thought makes you shiver.

Anyone relate?

[Utopmk]

I can relate to it in a non gender exclusive way. I am young, but worry what kind of father I might make, with little tolerence of babies/children, and their loud ass mouths.
I am good with kids, until they start whining or screaming. If this were to affect my sleep, I might consider running away, or telling them to go play on the highway.

I walk and talk like a man. I might could be a father, but I haven't conditioned myself to be a dad.

[CosmicDust]

I'm not entirely averse to children, but damn they'd be a pain in the ass. All the hell I'd have to go through to raise them, and they could still end up dead or killers...and would I be able to give an ESFJ child the kind of nurturance and emotional connection she needs to grow up healthy and happy?

I was a plenty irrational child once myself, and I might have some tolerance for an N kid telling me about elaborate imaginary worlds like I used to do. I also don't think I'd hate a child for not being like me. As for connecting with the child, come to think of it, children and parents eventually have to distance from each other. If my coolness toward others doesn't screw the child up, perhaps my not being too eager for connection will make the split easier for the child than having a more strongly connecting parent would.

Still, I think it would be a hell of a drain.

[Birdsnest]

I think I am an ok mom. I can do the cooking, cleaning, caring, but I am better at the providing. Never was much of a "teacher". Basically they are pretty much free to do what they like, except that I yell at anything that resembles noise, so my kids never were very noisy and both are good at keeping themselves happy.

[EternalCynic]

Hm. I'd rather not be a mother.. not for a while. I would like to focus on my studies and career first, and aside from that I think I'd like to adopt.. there are a lot of needy children who I would first take care of then feel the need to produce my own.

[BritainOphira]

I would be way too afraid of screwing up some poor humanoid for life. Also, I have taken Parenting Class, I watched the video, I know where they come out, and my only response is a loud, resounding, "Hell, no!"

[Avengardh]

I would either be too lenient or way too strict, I think the latter applies better.

But I am not really looking to have kids...I could raise a child, I am pretty sure of that, I am just not sure if I would want to create another human being who will potentially suffer in the future.

Sides...annoying kids, well, annoy me, I don't have anything against kids, or the cleaning part, I take it as it is, biological, it's just the fact that I know kids need love, and I am not ready or don't think I will ever be ready to give that much love to a child...I wouldn't be very loving, so, better let other people take care of the kid part, and I can stick with my career.

~*Aven*~

[Vagabond]

I would be a good mother. I think I'd like to have a family later on. But really later on. :)

[Jezebel]

I have reached the decision that I definetely want to have a child, just not yet. I want to finish school first, have a career or at least find a way to be financially stable, have a house, be married, and do anything else that I may not be able to do once I have a kid.

It's difficult for me to explain what the draw is toward motherhood. A few years ago I didn't even think I wanted kids. I don't feel as intellectually-minded as many of you. Bonding with a child or filling a care-giver role isn't even an issue for me, and in fact only attracts me more. I feel like I'm already planning ahead for making a family, so becoming more stable and having a career first is more like preparation for a family than something I want to do instead of having a family. I even find myself looking at my potential mates based on how I think they would be as a parent and a long term mate.

I do agree with a couple of you about some things you said. I think my urge to produce a child is selfish. I know there are children who have already been born that need homes, that there is potential for the child to suffer in the future, and that the world doesn't really need anymore humans added to the population. And yet the urge to reproduce is still there and having a family is one of the things I want most.

[synchronous]

I can relate to it in a non gender exclusive way. I am young, but worry what kind of father I might make, with little tolerence of babies/children, and their loud ass mouths.
I am good with kids, until they start whining or screaming. If this were to affect my sleep, I might consider running away, or telling them to go play on the highway.

I walk and talk like a man. I might could be a father, but I haven't conditioned myself to be a dad.

I agree with you - this can be viewed in a gender neutral way. One thing I do notice though, is that there is some social pressure on the woman to be the nurturer, to be somewhat of a natural in the area of feelings, giving and empathy. Besides, we have the mammalian glands that provide the natural milk to feed the little ones (another heavy expectation there), and, well, unless you have a uterus, you are not privy to the experience of having a being grow inside you, deliver it at the end of 9 months. These could be added deterrent specifically pointed towards a woman and her decision to have children.

The loud ass mouths and sleep deprivation were both big issues for me, combined with the dreaded thought of having to deal with emotional/irrational impulses. I've had difficulty with that. In my younger years, I had a hard time believing I would become a parent/mother. Part of that is just due to age and maturity, but, a part of that is an NT thing. I have two children now, and although I love them dearly, and take good care of them, motherhood is not necessarily a natural state. It has taken some conditioning to get in touch with the nurturing side of me. Thankfully, I've had two little NTs. I'm not sure how I would have coped if I had an ESFJ (I relate CosmicDust). Yikes!

[Kristi]

I found having children very enlightening to say the least. Everything that I had depended on such as logic had to be thrown out the door. The kids did not come with instructions and each one was so different. Two of them are now teenagers and are wonderful people. I enjoyed the baby stage and after 12 stage. I just do not relate to 2-11 year olds very well. I found myself wanting them to act as adults very early on. I am lucky to have a very feeling husband that really helped balance everything out. For a few years when I first took my CEO position he was a stay at home dad.

[booyalab]

I think the world could use more parents who are relatively unemotional and can stay calm in a crisis. I see mothers at department stores/supermarkets all the time who yell at or smack their kids whenever they do any random little thing that is slightly 'out of line'. The discipline usually doesn't fit the act of disobedience because the parent is acting on emotional impulses that may be based on something more than the kid's behavior.

[synchronous]

I found the baby stage the hardest, up to the age of about 8. After that, it seemed their irrational impulses settled down. I have a boy and a girl. The experience has invalidated many of my theories about the influence of environment wrt gender differences and biases. I'm quite happy to have taken the path. A stay-at-home Dad would have helped in the early years though. lol.

Yes, I can see the disciplining of children for what is hardly a transgression difficult to witness. Mind you, as a parent, there is nothing like an uncontrollable 2 yr old having a tantrum in a public place to raise your emotional temperature. Staying calm during the tantrum is a good idea and there are ways to work around the problem, preparing yourself with coping strategies ahead of time. Guaranteed, there will be tantrums.

[Ckyzxr]

I am 36 and have never once had the urge to have children. I fell in love with and married a mother of one with a wonderfully smart, independent, introverted, intuitive child. She's great, wouldn't want another and since we cannot conceive, I am plenty happy knowing I'll never father a biological child. It's hard to tell exactly but there's a chance that she will blossom into a INTP, maybe a INFP or INTJ.

[gypseymothlee]

I've never felt the desire to be a mother at any point in my life. Funny thing is many people I know would always reply that I would change my mind about that later on. Hasn't happened yet. In fact, one of my friends, who previously wanted to have four kids, has decided she doesn't want any after seeing everything her sister had to give up when she had one.

[lauriep]

I've never felt the desire to be a mother at any point in my life. Funny thing is many people I know would always reply that I would change my mind about that later on. Hasn't happened yet. In fact, one of my friends, who previously wanted to have four kids, has decided she doesn't want any after seeing everything her sister had to give up when she had one.

I've had the same thing happen. Everyone used to tell me that I would change my mind later on, even my best friends. Now that I'm 30, most people have shut up. They still don't understand why but they are starting to come to terms with the fact that motherhood is not my thing.

It's wierd though, my little sister is starting to go through that "I HAVE to have a baby" thing. She shops at baby stores, talks about it all the time, its taken over her life. She is in a bad marriage, not stable financially, and I keep telling her that maybe she should figure out where a baby is going to live and how she is going to take care of it before she rushes into anything. But she doesn't seem to care. It's like she's become a completely different person and totally irrational over this baby thing. I just don't get it.

[Arioch]

I want to be a daddy one day. Well, actually a father but who's splitting hairs.

I like most wel raised children.... how well raised they have to be depends on how I'm feeling but I love children in general. Especially if I know their mothers.

Strange anonymous children can be a different thing but considering it's suppose to be your own child I think I'll know both parents ';

There's one thing thats for sure thou.
God help the poor fool who lays a finger on my (hypothetical) child.

[int]

Last night there was this little girl, who couldn't have been more than 8 or 9 years old, helping her father setup microphones, run cables, and run the mixing board at the bar we played at.

I thought it was the cuttest, most badass thing I had ever seen.

February can't come fast enough for me. :D

[t]

i think the reason that deep down inside i want to end up with an F guy is because i am scared that i'm going to make an awful mother. i'm pretty selfish when it comes down to it. i like kids and i love my niece & nephew, but i find that by the end of my visit with them i am practically running out the door and extremely happy to not have to deal with them day in and day out. one of my friends still jokes with me to this day about the time when she asked me to keep an eye on her daughter while she took a shower & i just sat there and didn't interact with the little girl. when my friend asked me if everything was alright, i said "well, i don't know what to do with her. she can't talk to me and i don't know how to interact on a child's level." i also have a problem with people and things being dependent on me.

however, i guess this can all change when i actually have children. i'm only 22 now, so i'm not in any hurry. i also see myself as in a selfish stage of my life, which could perhaps be increasing the selfishness that i already possess. i still think that i will end up taking the role of the breadwinner & father figure in the house, while hopefully i find a husband who takes the role of the nurturing mother. i just hope that i don't end up with children who hate me until they are old enough to understand me, like i was with my own father. i don't want them to think i don't care.

[Postblank]

it's just the fact that I know kids need love, and I am not ready or don't think I will ever be ready to give that much love to a child...I wouldn't be very loving, so, better let other people take care of the kid part, and I can stick with my career.I'd imagine the kid would be conditioned to the surrounding environment. If your hypothetical mate was an INTP/J, the child might not be as demanding of the affection. Leaving the FI undeveloped from such an early age might cause problems later, but that's a cross I'm sure a lot of us bear.

[songbird36]

Motherhood is great!

As a type we may not be as well suited to the nurturing part as others, but we have many things to offer to motherhood that other types do not share - intelligence, wit, calm detachment, the power to drive and motivate our offspring, a strong moral centre that generally can't be shaken by external circumstances (just to name a few).

I have two boys - both very young still, but already their different personalities have emerged clearly. One like me is an INTJ (or P) and the other, the polar opposite (maybe an ESFP). I am closer to, but clash a lot, with my older son (the INTJ) and for me, he is more the challenge than the other one.

[Anacaona]

Im 22 and I've been thinking about motherhood... I've decided that it's better if I don't have children in the future but we never know... Maybe I'll change my mind when I'll get married or find a partner(if it happens one day). They seem to ask for too much time, attention and day-to-day care... Im a strong introvert and I think I would get easily overwhelmed. Anyway, i still have time to think about it and maybe my personality will change with time...

[synchronous]

[songbird36]

when is your sociology textbook coming out?

[Seraph]

The only way I would ever consider having a kid is if I were guaranteed to have a little NT. But since that isn't the case, there is no way in hell I am putting myself through nine months of bloated agony for a $180,000 punk who could very well be an ESFJ or ESTJ.

My parents keep telling me, "Oh, you'll change your mind." No, I won't. Really. They usually give me some scenario like "Well, what if Mr. Right wants kids and he won't marry you if you won't?" Then Mr. Right can go screw himself.

[jjt]

Motherhood is amazing, tedious, challenging, and rewarding to an intp. I decided pretty young in life that I was not going to settle down and get married and could never see myself getting tied down to family life. But after 3 different consecutive careers, 9 years of college education, lots of travel and living overseas, many short term relationships, my attitude changed. Perhaps it was time for a new project, a new field to explore! Anyway I finally settled down with a like minded interesting and intelligent entp at the age of 40. Too late for my body to make babies, so we adopted two little darlings from a Russian orphange. Missing the baby stage and straight to an age when they can communicate was great (3 and 5) Now they're at school so I can at least work part time or I'd go crazy. My daughter is an enfj (now 8 1/2) but an amazing creature, non the less. She has extraordinary qualities that I can't help but stand back and admire, like reading people, organising all the neighbourhood kids and taking charge, decorating the dinner table to make you feel good. Other bits drive me crazy like the drama queen behaviour, the manipulation and wanting to be in charge of everything. My son is also e probably nt, so easier to relate to. They get under your skin, and you can't help but adore them anyway, be fascinated at how they evolve and change, and how as an adult you can shape them. 15 years ago I never would have felt like this, but I've changed as I've aged.
Julianne

[FallenAngel]

I never even thought about having kids before.. in fact.. I had written it off. Then I became a nanny.. and every day it gets easier and easier for me to put their needs before my own. I love them to death and would do anything for them. Now the topic comes up a lot more in my relationship, I told him not until marriage and then having a couple of years to ourselves.. then come the babies. I have my days where I can't stand fussy/whiny kids, but it's my job. So, I put up with it. I'd like to think that I'd be a good mother and could take on all of the responsibility, but I get so tired caring for someone else's kids 11 hours a day. Can't imagine what it would be like 24 hours a day.

[synchronous]

I'd like to think that I'd be a good mother and could take on all of the responsibility, but I get so tired caring for someone else's kids 11 hours a day. Can't imagine what it would be like 24 hours a day.

Well, there is no doubt that looking after children 24 hours a day can be taxing, although, having a cooperative partner to share in the responsibilities is helpful. Having experienced both sides - looking after someone else's children and nurturing your very own - I can say it is a different. You become much more tolerant of difficult behavior in your own child.

[Clara]

Obviously, I've "been there, done that," with "littles" before... but in talking with my brother about the "week" that I'll be spending with his kids while he and his wife travel -- it struck me that I've probably forgotten more than I realize.

Edit : here's a practical tip, worded by the brother in question some time ago : one person may have (a set of methods) that work well, with a small child... but each family member has to work out their own relationship (shared understanding) with that little one. Because it's not (primarily) a rote set of actions - it's what's communicated through them. (It just happens that an important part of communicating with very young people involves a narrowish range of predictable repetition of routine...) Yeah, he put it better. ;)