lets just be friends

[Jezebel]

In the poll, answer for yourself, not what you think most males/females want or based on what you think the other gender wants. I know there are exceptions, but that's why the probably is there.

This came up when I was talking to a fellow board member last night, but has been a big issue for me in the past. I've known guys who have told me that they only became friends with girls because they wanted sex or a relationship. I've also had guy friends who said it wasn't true, but apparently they were either lying or didn't know what they wanted because the friendship eventually ended over sex or relationships. I'm cynical about the topic these days, though I wish it weren't like this.

So, what's your opinion on this?

[s]

I have had platonic relationships with men, but understandably every man will eventually fall in love with Wonder Woman. :D

edit: even a few women...

[Ckyzxr]

Of course, I would welcome a relationship with someone of the opposite sex without all the luggage that comes with sexual or romantic involvement.

In fact, I have had LONG friendships with females based solely on our ability to discuss, debate, and disagree about various subjects. One in particular stands out, I met Rose in college and we became friends. So much so that I used to spend more time with her than her first husband when they were married. Believe it or not, he knew we were ONLY friends and was not jealous at all. Eventually she got divorced (no surprise), finished law school, and met another guy (lawyer also). In that same period, I met my future wife and got married. My friend was invited to my wedding with her sig-other and they both attended. Everyone, including my wife knew of my friend's and I long term friendship the whole time. Given, I spent little time with her after I met my future wife, our friendship was still intact, still is.
We never had a romantic or sexual moment between us. Just pure friendship. And believe me, we DID NOT see eye to eye on every issue, still don't, that's part of what kept our friendship interesting I guess.

So the short story is yes, opposite genders can truly be only friends. Not a common occurence though I know.

[Claverhouse]

Well, yes.

I think it's pretty well bound to be like that. Most men don't try to have a romantic interlude with every single woman they meet...

Nor would they be successful if they tried.


It's perfectly normal that a man & woman could be in very close proximity and sex not occur. People are just kidding with you: the most important part of any relationship is absolute trust on the part of the girl.



Claverhouse :ph34r:

[Boozer]

I have noticed that whenever I'm friends with a girl, one of us wants to get sexual eventually and the other doesn't. And no it's not always me (not always anyway).

[Jezebel]

Well, yes.

I think it's pretty well bound to be like that. Most men don't try to have a romantic interlude with every single woman they meet...

Nor would they be successful if they tried.


It's perfectly normal that a man & woman could be in very close proximity and sex not occur. People are just kidding with you: the most important part of any relationship is absolute trust on the part of the girl.

I agree that they don't try with every single girl they meet, but most also don't become friends with every single girl they meet either. So, it's not about wanting sex from every girl they meet, but just becoming friends with the motivation being for sex.

What do you mean by "the most important part of any relationship is absolute trust on the part of the girl"? Why is that?

[booyalab]

It looks like I'm the only who voted "no". The question said *wanted* sex, and I can want sex with someone but refrain from having sex with them! I have had platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex ..but each time, at some point, I've thought about what it would be like to have sex with them.

[booyalab]

see, this is why we don't need anonymous posts! I dont know any of you people in real life and I can say anything I want! mwahahaha

[Jezebel]

It looks like I'm the only who voted "no". The question said *wanted* sex, and I can want sex with someone but refrain from having sex with them! I have had platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex ..but each time, at some point, I've thought about what it would be like to have sex with them.

You're right, I thought of that when I asked, but you took it the way I intended. Wanting it and being able to withhold would count as a "no".

[Ckyzxr]

"Thinking about having" and "wanting" are two different things.

[booyalab]

but I don't get everything I want, and nor would I always accept it if it was offered to me.

[jimkopelli]

*singing ala Jagger*
"You can't always get what you want..."
I have plenty of friends who are just friends, nothing more and probably never more. I think I might even have more friends that are women than men, too... hmm.

[booyalab]

I know I have more friends that are men than women. So it's my pragmatism that keeps me from having sex with all of them, I think.

[booyalab]

hehe?

[Almaviva]

I've thought this was a swell idea in my past, but my criteria for a girlfriend are the same as my criteria for a friend, so my feelings go beyond platonic pretty much from day one.

If we're both single, and make good friends, why couldn't that become a relationship? Usually, this is because (in my case) the woman doesn't want it to be that way. In that case, in some sense I'm "not good enough" for her, and if there's one thing in my life I don't need, it's people I'm not good enough for. Plus, sooner or later you get to start hearing about men in her life, which isn't a healthy place, IMO.

[Jezebel]

I've thought this was a swell idea in my past, but my criteria for a girlfriend are the same as my criteria for a friend, so my feelings go beyond platonic pretty much from day one.

If we're both single, and make good friends, why couldn't that become a relationship? Usually, this is because (in my case) the woman doesn't want it to be that way. In that case, in some sense I'm "not good enough" for her, and if there's one thing in my life I don't need, it's people I'm not good enough for. Plus, sooner or later you get to start hearing about men in her life, which isn't a healthy place, IMO.

This is interesting because a couple of my guy friends who eventually ended our friendship gave me almost the exact same response. They loved spending time with me, we could talk hours on end, and I met all the criteria they wanted in a girlfriend. But, by only wanting to be friends, I made them feel "not good enough".

I don't really understand this perspective, but I can say for sure that you aren't alone. For me, the potential for friends and lovers are measured by completely different standards. I can be great friends with someone and love to spend time with the person, and genuinely care a lot for him, but just not see him as a prospective mate. I guess some take it as an ego blow, and while I wish this didn't have to be the case, I do have respect for the guys who realize they are like this early on and don't get involved in the first place.

[Utopmk]

It is the word "just" that would be the hardest to hear.

[Jezebel]

It is the word "just" that would be the hardest to hear.

And, as you know, you aren't the only guy who has said that to me either.

[booyalab]

It is the word "just" that would be the hardest to hear.

yeah it's nice having the option of there potentially being more to the relationship, even if it doesn't happen.

[Almaviva]

After being told how fantastic a personality you have enough times, and never having a woman show you you're sexy, it's pretty easy to attach much more value to the second. ("Tell beautiful people they're smart, and smart people they're beautiful.")

I think people tend to be more easily hurt, and focus more on the things that haven't been easy or plentiful.

In one conversation I've had with my girlfriend, I realized that if a woman wanted to have sex with me, and then to get me out of her life because she didn't like my personality, my reaction would be something like "I was used! Yes!" This is the kind of thing that makes obsessively going to the gym and getting down to 10% body fat worth it. (Has lapsed since.)

Don't mind me, I'm getting over some complexes here, heh.

[SensEye]

I've had a few female friends. It's not a problem when neither party is sexually attracted to the other. It's cool because women have such a different perspective on life in general which makes things interesting.

It's much more difficult if one party is attracted to the other. Eventually one side will probably make a play for the other and the rejection can certainly sting.

I've tried to be friends with women whom I am attracted to, but it's difficult. The attraction is always on your mind even if you are determined not to act on it since you know you will get rejected. Also, in such situations I have found myself jealous of her relationships even though I have no right to be so and it is completely irrational. Usually, it is easier just to let the relationship die.

[Avengardh]

Yeah, I wouldn't mind being just friends, but like I have mentioned to you before, it happens to me a lot as well, with males.

So, I just don't bother anymore, meh.

~*Aven*~

[Vagabond]

I have had male friends whom I never thought of in a sexual or romantic way. So yes. I have a certain male friend that, if I try to think of in a sexual way, I feel like I'm thinking 'romantically' of my brother or something. Furthermore, as far as friendship goes, usually I feel more connected with men than I do with women anyway.

[spirilis]

The bulk of the common theory that all men are after sex and women aren't necessarily so is summed up in a rather bold, if not sexist, fashion at http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

Personally, I can follow this guy's theories with a certain level of agreement, but I think the male sex drive is either commonly suppressed, or his assessment that all guys want sex out of anyone of the opposite sex is a little incomplete.

[Jezebel]

I have had male friends whom I never thought of in a sexual or romantic way. So yes. I have a certain male friend that, if I try to think of in a sexual way, I feel like I'm thinking 'romantically' of my brother or something. Furthermore, as far as friendship goes, usually I feel more connected with men than I do with women anyway.

I can relate to this completely, and thinking of some male friends more like brothers is a good way to put it. I definetely feel like I connect better with guys, too. I don't know if it's just the guys I'm meeting and I have bad luck or what, but none of my male friendships have EVER worked out. Even ones that went many years as "just friends" eventually ended due to gender differences. If there's a way to tell who can really handle it and who can't in the end, I haven't figured it out yet.

[Vagabond]

Even ones that went many years as "just friends" eventually ended due to gender differences.
Oh yeah, that has been a constant worry of mine; sometimes a friend will start having romantic feelings for you and that makes things complicated... I have one friend that has a crush on me since forever, but thankfully we live in different cities so I guess it is easier to keep it on friendly terms because of the distance. I still worry that it might cost me a friend though - he is a person I want to have in my life, just not as a romantic partner... most people I know though don't think you can be friends with someone of the opposite gender. That causes trouble. :(

[spirilis]

awwwwh let's just be friends


:hug: :hug:
(lol, I posted this just so I could post that icon 2 times :D )

[jimkopelli]

*starts whistling the song by War*

[s]

I have never used the let's be friends line. I would just make it really clear I was not interested. I am not saying that even worked... damn, stalkers. In fact, my friends called it "The Fan Club." :nerd: Mind you, this was after I picked up drinking in college and I grew out of an awkward stage, so I was unsure how to even deal with interest from the opposite sex. :ph34r:

I did have lots of sweet guy friends who never made advances and were always gentlemen. To be honest, I probably thought about them in a sexual way before deciding against it at least once. :blush:

[cloakable]

I voted male (duh) and yes. I like to think that I'm part of the 1% of the male population who can think using their brain, rather than their bollocks.

[ohnoaninfp]

I have friends who are guys. I hang out with this one guy a lot. He knows that I like someone. We only like each other as friends. I had a friend named James. I wanted a platonic relationship with him. I only liked him as a friend, but he had a super crush on me. I tried to get the idea through his thick head that I only like him as a friend. He puts me down because I have morals and I like a guy who is an athiest, even though I am Catholic. James calls himself Catholic, but he doesan't even go to church. Yet he thinks he is better than the guy I like, because he believes in God. The athiest treated me better than James, who considers him self Catholic. I am no longer talking to James because I am tired of his superficial, arrogant, selfish attitude. He puts me down because I believe in waiting till marriage to have sex. That is one of the many reasons I will never go out with him. He is never going to get any from me. So why in the hell does he have a crush on me. Sorry to babble on. Just thinking of that whiny arrogant, moron, pisses me off.

[Johnny]

All the friendships I've ever had with the opposite sex ended up getting complicated over the sexual attraction issues on one side or the other, either from internal or external forces.

The friendships were nice while they lasted. Some either got past those complications or the interest to work those complications out never arose. Those still last and remain nice. For the ones that didn't get past the complications, we got to move on and that was nice too. :sombrero:

[Melody]

I don't have any friends! :cry:

Anyway, I think it is possible, but if u are really good friends eventually the issue might be something like u r 84 years old on ur death bed and u r thinking, "I could have married her..." and then u die.

[CosmicDust]

To me, liking someone as a friend is one level, having a crush is another level, and then wanting to fuck them would be another level well beyond that. There's just so much inhibition energy holding me back from exploring physical intimacy - I want it to be perfect or nearly so, and as safe as possible - that if I have a crush I generally prefer to admire him from a distance. I don't hit on even my crushes.

[Claverhouse]

Anyway, I think it is possible, but if u are really good friends eventually the issue might be something like u r 84 years old on ur death bed and u r thinking, "I could have married her..." and then u die.

She might have rejected one anyway. Women have feelings too.



Claverhouse :ph34r:

[Claverhouse]

What do you mean by "the most important part of any relationship is absolute trust on the part of the girl"? Why is that?

And indeed, I should get back on this one. Started a reply, then my computer froze, and didn't get around to restarting. Losing all one has just written is a dispiriting affair ( an' don't say 'Save', because you can't whilst writing on one of these boards. Happened to me last night, was making my first post to Landover forums, proving Mel Gibson is the AntiChrist, rather than the inoffensive ( comparatively to many things ) Tom Cruise, in 17th century English no less: it froze again. Win98 is probably accursed ).

Because complete faith in the beloved is the major part of love. And it applies rather more to women because a/ they are more likely to be deceived, being more desirable an' all, with that also which is desired; and b/ they are more inclined to insane irrational jealousy.

This is not to say there aren't madly jealous men; but they should, in any case, be avoided as you would avoid the repulsive maniac Heathcliffe.



Claverhouse :ph34r:

[5-reed]

I accidentaly voted "male no", but I meant "male yes"... Now I reactivate my cloaking device...

[cloakable]

I accidentaly voted "male no", but I meant "male yes"... Now I reactivate my cloaking device...

HEY! I'm the one with the cloaking device around here! :D

[5-reed]

Hehe... Sorry to contradict (Is that english ???) you, but I too can do it, look :
Click, I'm cloaked... Am I ?
Click, I'm cloaked... That doesn't work !
Click ! Click ! Click !...

[5-reed]

I swear it worked a few minutes ago !

[jimkopelli]

English is the mutt of all languages. (but yes, it is.) Quit yer lurking and post.

[Biff_Loman]

The only female friend I've had was attracted to me as well. However, I was (am) in a relationship (now marriage) with her best friend, so that put the kibosh on it.

<sigh>

I've said my goodbyes with her in order to preserve my marriage, and I miss her friendship most of all, even though I would have loved to love her in an alternate reality or something.

I have yet to meet a woman with whom platonic love would not easily blossom into erotic love. So, I voted "no."

Hmm. I used the term "platonic love." I guess it's fair to say that I've never been friends with a woman without loving her in some sense. I suppose that, when you actually "love" someone enough to say it, that kind of love might easily transform into something romantic/erotic (my friend and I had no qualms about saying "I love you," which we did, very much).

[edit] Damn, I miss her.

[coffeezombie]

If the two people are single and not having sex with anybody else, why wouldn't they eventually have sex with each other? "Just be friends" seems kind of pointless, then.

[FishOutOfWater]

I like the idea of platonic friendship, but a majority of the guys I've befriended in college have ended up developing feelings for me. Part of the problem is that I meet a good number of men who are the sorts that fall "madly in love" with any girl who talks to them more than twice.

I've been on the other end, too - had feelings for a friend that I had to keep hidden.

[Edmond Zedo]

I suppose there are girls I know (married to guys I know) who I wouldn't have sex with if given the opportunity. And there are girls who I'm fine just being friends with but certainly would have no-strings-attached sex with if possible. If I simply wasn't attracted to one in any way, I wouldn't want to. But if I'm infatuated with a lass, just being friends would hurt too much.

[garak]

I've found it pretty much impossible to be strictly platonic friends with girls. Even if I'm in a relationship, or they are, there is still attraction. For example, I can't imagine myself becoming friends with a girl who I wasn't attracted to. I don't think it's happened since early childhood. I actually think this is somewhat of a negative thing that I might someday overcome -- because what about when I'm married, and I'm still befriending only girls that I'm attracted to? That sounds pretty questionable.

[songbird36]

Sounds good in theory, but I've never befriended a guy who hasn't wanted "more" either quite quickly or at some later stage.

I guess platonic friendships have to be able to transcend biological imperatives; and that's not easy

[Boneca]

I don't understand the issue. I've had a whole bunch of good male friends over the years without anything ever happening between us.
Maybe I'm just lucky, or I'm too unattractive to cause a problem?

[Shai Gar]

send me as many pictures of you naked as you can and i will tell you if you are simply unlucky.

and i can have female friends galore, just so long as i am getting a lot on a frequent basis. so sex doesnt enter my mind.

[garak]

I don't understand the issue. I've had a whole bunch of good male friends over the years without anything every happening between us.
Maybe I'm just lucky, or I'm too unattractive to cause a problem?
Or they wanted you and you never realized it? :P

[joft]

Speaking theoretically, as I usually don't talk to people, and girls are people, and as I've had about 7 or so friends in my lifetime and none of them were female (and as I've basically never talked to a girl really); I think I could have a completely platonic friendship. In fact, if a girl I knew was "hitting on" me, I probably wouldn't know what to do. I'm very empathetic, I probably wouldn't mind being the sucker listening to a girl tell me about her guy troubles.

This thread reminds me of this movie I think I saw parts of, where this guy acts like he's gay in order to become friends with a girl he likes or something like that... I probably have it all wrong. But it had a good moral to the story... I think.

[songbird36]

I don't understand the issue. I've had a whole bunch of good male friends over the years without anything every happening between us.
Maybe I'm just lucky, or I'm too unattractive to cause a problem?

LOL. I'd say you're lucky.

and I saw your pic you're not unattractive (mind you I'm female and straight)...

[tragula]

What about gay people? Doesn't that throw everything off? I mean if women can be friends with lesbians and men can have gay friends then it can't be all about gender...

[Edmond Zedo]

Those gays always have to gum up the works, don't they?

[Avengardh]

No....you know why....

[Edmond Zedo]

No...Why...

[Miss Anthropic]

If the two people are single and not having sex with anybody else, why wouldn't they eventually have sex with each other? "Just be friends" seems kind of pointless, then.
Two people....just ANY two people? :devil:


I've found it pretty much impossible to be strictly platonic friends with girls. Even if I'm in a relationship, or they are, there is still attraction. For example, I can't imagine myself becoming friends with a girl who I wasn't attracted to. I don't think it's happened since early childhood. I actually think this is somewhat of a negative thing that I might someday overcome -- because what about when I'm married, and I'm still befriending only girls that I'm attracted to? That sounds pretty questionable.

I have never had a male friend who wasn't first interested in some sort of romantic relationship with me...and if I wasn't interested they were willing to "settle" for a friendship. Some of them have been long-term (20 years or so) But if I was ever interested in a guy romantically and he didn't see me that way, he was not interested in "being friends". Not to say that women and men can't have great platonic relationships, but I believe there are fewer men who are interested in platonic relationships with women than there are women willing to have a platonic relationship with men. I have to say, gay men make pretty good friends for women--or that has been my experience. I know that probably doesn't count.

Also..there is a big difference between being friends (hanging out and going to do stuff together) and being acquaintances--you see them at a party and chat for a few minutes or you are friends with their friends or spouses. I just don't think most guys are willing to have a hang out and go do stuff, talk about things sort of friendship with a woman.

[sbw]

It is the word "just" that would be the hardest to hear.


DUH! Clearly (or so it seems), your value (on some level) is being downgraded by the word "just" in this situation.

Scott

[booyalab]

If I thought the phrase "let's just be friends" was just an attempt to preserve my feelings, I'd be disgusted and definitely wouldn't want that person in my life. But, I think it's more common for women to say that to men than the other way around, which is also probably why women are more likely to say that than men are. There have been several scenarios where the guy was the one that said that to me, and after analyzing the situation, I came to the conclusion both times that it just wouldn't have made sense to continue any friendship. In both cases, we lived so far apart that only if a romance existed would the inconvenience be worth overcoming, we hardly ever saw each other incidentally, our schedules conflicted, etc. If it's not an efficient use of my time, I'm not going to accept an offer that was probably just given to soften the blow, anyway.

[Jezebel]

What about gay people? Doesn't that throw everything off? I mean if women can be friends with lesbians and men can have gay friends then it can't be all about gender...

I'd guess that bisexuals are more likely to be open to platonic friendship with both genders (if they're going to have any friends they have to be friends with a gender they're attracted to), but it doesn't really matter. Using sexual minorites as examples doesn't prove that gender and attraction doesn't play a role in plantonic friendship for the majority of people.

[Avengardh]

No...Why...
Erm sorry, that was directed at Jez ^^;;

[Edmond Zedo]

"Then why am I talking to you? WHO IS IN AUTHORITY HERE?!" 8O

[Avengardh]

"Then why am I talking to you? WHO IS IN AUTHORITY HERE?!" 8O
Him ---> http://forums.intpcentral.com/images/smilies/ninja.gif