John
3 Apr 2006, 03:04 PM
I know this is long but eh. This is a paper i am turning in for a writing prose class, suggestions, compliments, complaints?
“Cannibals say that humans taste like chicken, therefore, chickens taste like humans.”
To completely understand this statement we must examine it from every angle possible. What are the implications of something like this, is it logically sound, does it hold up in special circumstances and does it look good in formal wear? Also how does each side feel about this, do the chickens feel that they should be credited with the original taste therefore making humans taste like them instead of the other way around. Do humans feel that chicken is delicious enough for them to taste like it and can they except the consequences of knowing that their fellow friends, neighbors, and loved ones are potential KFC masterpieces.
To completely tackle the issue at hand I spent several weeks doing field studies, scientific experiments, making pie charts, and was myself dressed in formal wear for a better part of the time.
First off if humans do in fact taste like chicken, then obviously chickens would taste like humans. It is logically impossible for C to taste the same as H, and H not to taste the same as C. It would be more appropriate to look at the validity of the cannibals. They say that humans taste like chickens, but to take their word for it is a little suspicious. After all these are HUMAN EATERS meaning they EAT HUMANS, not exactly the kind of people I would call to baby sit the kids while I went to the movies. Furthermore the fact that they are saying that humans taste like chicken, which is a commonly favored taste, might make one suspicious to the thought that they are lying in order to get more people to join them in eating humans. It is like when your friend asks you to join him for dinner at his mother-in-law’s house, “Oh it won’t be so bad, everyone gets along so wonderfully and she is just the best cook”, I don’t think so buddy. And the cannibals say “Oh come on lets eat Steve it won’t be so bad, I think he taste like chicken you know, come on I hate to eat alone.” And then you actually bite into Steve who excretes a taste reminiscent of twenty something years of Taco Bell, Natural Light, and body odor mixed in with a nice new taste to your pallet known as HUMAN ORGANS. So I say fuck your mother-in-law and fuck the dead body of Steve. Well I guess after hearing that I would probably say something like no I don’t want to eat at your mother-in-law’s and no thank you I do not practice cannibalism, because no one should fuck either of the two. The point is cannibals aren’t trustworthy and therefore the statement can not be made sound, it is valid as a statement, but I think some scientific experiment would be a little more appropriate than taking the word of a HUMAN EATER, which leads me to my next segment.
For my experiments I used the tried and true scientific method that we all learned in middle school, loosely connected mind wandering in an attempt to not pay attention to the actual assignment.
-If you take a chicken cut in half and then take a human cut it in half, take a half from each and sew them together, cook the new entity at 350 for roughly 2 hours with a honey glaze and serve with a fine wine no one will know the difference or care when you tell them; for the “humcken” will be so delicious that morals no longer matter.
-I interviewed a chicken once who told me “bock bock ba gock”, which in English roughly translates to please don’t talk to me, I soon after ate him for being so rude, and he was in fact delicious. Then I interviewed a human who said “go away and don’t bother me with your foolish questions”, which in chicken translates to bock gock ba gock gock ba bock guck, as before I ate the interviewee and he too was delicious.
-I once watched the movie chicken little, and by the time it was over I was ready to eat myself.
-Why did the human cross the road? Because he tasted like chicken and apparently chickens do this quite often.
-Why did the chicken cross the road? He was running from human deprived cannibals.
-How many chickens does it take to equal a human, exactly 9.
-Once there was chicken named human who went to the store to by some human for supper. This chicken was a cannibal who ate other chickens, but was close to getting in trouble for the shortage of chickens. So this chicken named human goes into the store and asks for 2 pounds of human meat for dinner. The butcher says there’s no humans allowed here, so the chicken feeling insulted that he couldn’t even be in the store storms out to soon realize that the store did not sell human meat because it was a non cannibal store, not that they didn’t allow anyone with the name human to enter. So the chicken goes to another store buys the meat goes home and serves it to his family, as he tells them the story of what just happened, no one is amused and they all go to bed a little dumber.
-In recent news cannibals have become very upset due to the fact that they have been sold chicken meat disguised as human meat for the past five years from the local deli. In a related story scientists interested in the chicken/human taste problem have been delighted to find out that the two do in fact taste enough like each other to fool real cannibals for five years, and they do not have to do the dreaded actual experiments necessary for this project.
-You can take a human to the movies for a date and you can take a chicken to the grill to cook, but you can not cook a human or date a chicken… unless you’re a chicken loving cannibal. But the chicken might break your heart and the human might taste like shit.
-Next time you have been nagging someone for an extended period of time about taking you out for some Kentucky fried and they refuse, simply eat them.
-When you cut the head off of a chicken it runs around directionless and frantic for awhile, when you cut the head off of a human it just dies right away, so my advice is eat the chickens because they are more entertaining.
-Chik-fil-la has proudly been serving the human species for over fifty years.
-Maybe to get all of the cannibals to stop eating humans so much we can ship over a bunch of chickens for them to munch on instead. And to get chickens to stop eating all of that precious chicken feed we can ship a bunch of humans over to nearby chicken coops, then both problems will be solved.
-If you came across a chicken that was as smart as Albert Einstein, as physically capable as Michael Jordan and as compassionate as Mother Theresa yet still tasted delicious with a little barbecue sauce what would you do? I know what I would do, threaten him that if he didn’t do my homework, get me into shape and shower me with unconditional love that I would eat him.
-Think of the most intimate physical, mental and spiritual connection you have ever had with another human being, then think of the juiciest, most tender piece of chicken with that perfect crunchy skin. Now combine the two into one singular sensation and you have the ultimate partner. This may sound ridiculous, but this is exactly what has happened at the Cannabalic Institute for Total Satisfaction. Just hear what this excited customer has to say “I love the institute, for the longest time I struggled with a hunger for chicken while engaging in a relationship with my girlfriend, but now when we are making love or especially when she is telling me her inner most thoughts and feelings and I get that insatiable urge for chicken, I just lean over and take a bite.” And here’s what another had to say, “Now when pleasing my wife intimately all I taste is chicken, thank you C.I.T.S.”
-With recent inspiration from the cannabalic institute, your favorite personal lubrication brand has come out with its latest breakthrough “KY honey barbecue massage gel”.
-Now for my final experiment I will eat myself and then eat a chicken to compare the tastes, this should certainly be effective. Oh and by the way chickens were very responsive to formal wear, that segment sparked a lovely dinner party from which the pictures should be back soon. As for the pie charts they were eaten, not tasting like anything but paper. And now I will eat myself for the final experiment and all of the real answers to this question and all of life’s questions. Here goes…
“Hi, this is the spirit of John and I would just like to say that I was delicious. I did not taste like chicken; it was more of a filet mignon kind of thing, I highly recommend eating me if you ever get the chance. As for the chicken tasting part I am sorry to say that I now can not eat the earthly tangible chicken, but I have had my share of chicken souls, and yes human souls too. I found that these taste very similar, human soul tending to give you a little worse gas and not be very filling, also they don’t taste like earth chicken or human it is more like a soft floating ice cream of some sorts but still tastes like each other. All souls are the same you know.”
“Cannibals say that humans taste like chicken, therefore, chickens taste like humans.”
To completely understand this statement we must examine it from every angle possible. What are the implications of something like this, is it logically sound, does it hold up in special circumstances and does it look good in formal wear? Also how does each side feel about this, do the chickens feel that they should be credited with the original taste therefore making humans taste like them instead of the other way around. Do humans feel that chicken is delicious enough for them to taste like it and can they except the consequences of knowing that their fellow friends, neighbors, and loved ones are potential KFC masterpieces.
To completely tackle the issue at hand I spent several weeks doing field studies, scientific experiments, making pie charts, and was myself dressed in formal wear for a better part of the time.
First off if humans do in fact taste like chicken, then obviously chickens would taste like humans. It is logically impossible for C to taste the same as H, and H not to taste the same as C. It would be more appropriate to look at the validity of the cannibals. They say that humans taste like chickens, but to take their word for it is a little suspicious. After all these are HUMAN EATERS meaning they EAT HUMANS, not exactly the kind of people I would call to baby sit the kids while I went to the movies. Furthermore the fact that they are saying that humans taste like chicken, which is a commonly favored taste, might make one suspicious to the thought that they are lying in order to get more people to join them in eating humans. It is like when your friend asks you to join him for dinner at his mother-in-law’s house, “Oh it won’t be so bad, everyone gets along so wonderfully and she is just the best cook”, I don’t think so buddy. And the cannibals say “Oh come on lets eat Steve it won’t be so bad, I think he taste like chicken you know, come on I hate to eat alone.” And then you actually bite into Steve who excretes a taste reminiscent of twenty something years of Taco Bell, Natural Light, and body odor mixed in with a nice new taste to your pallet known as HUMAN ORGANS. So I say fuck your mother-in-law and fuck the dead body of Steve. Well I guess after hearing that I would probably say something like no I don’t want to eat at your mother-in-law’s and no thank you I do not practice cannibalism, because no one should fuck either of the two. The point is cannibals aren’t trustworthy and therefore the statement can not be made sound, it is valid as a statement, but I think some scientific experiment would be a little more appropriate than taking the word of a HUMAN EATER, which leads me to my next segment.
For my experiments I used the tried and true scientific method that we all learned in middle school, loosely connected mind wandering in an attempt to not pay attention to the actual assignment.
-If you take a chicken cut in half and then take a human cut it in half, take a half from each and sew them together, cook the new entity at 350 for roughly 2 hours with a honey glaze and serve with a fine wine no one will know the difference or care when you tell them; for the “humcken” will be so delicious that morals no longer matter.
-I interviewed a chicken once who told me “bock bock ba gock”, which in English roughly translates to please don’t talk to me, I soon after ate him for being so rude, and he was in fact delicious. Then I interviewed a human who said “go away and don’t bother me with your foolish questions”, which in chicken translates to bock gock ba gock gock ba bock guck, as before I ate the interviewee and he too was delicious.
-I once watched the movie chicken little, and by the time it was over I was ready to eat myself.
-Why did the human cross the road? Because he tasted like chicken and apparently chickens do this quite often.
-Why did the chicken cross the road? He was running from human deprived cannibals.
-How many chickens does it take to equal a human, exactly 9.
-Once there was chicken named human who went to the store to by some human for supper. This chicken was a cannibal who ate other chickens, but was close to getting in trouble for the shortage of chickens. So this chicken named human goes into the store and asks for 2 pounds of human meat for dinner. The butcher says there’s no humans allowed here, so the chicken feeling insulted that he couldn’t even be in the store storms out to soon realize that the store did not sell human meat because it was a non cannibal store, not that they didn’t allow anyone with the name human to enter. So the chicken goes to another store buys the meat goes home and serves it to his family, as he tells them the story of what just happened, no one is amused and they all go to bed a little dumber.
-In recent news cannibals have become very upset due to the fact that they have been sold chicken meat disguised as human meat for the past five years from the local deli. In a related story scientists interested in the chicken/human taste problem have been delighted to find out that the two do in fact taste enough like each other to fool real cannibals for five years, and they do not have to do the dreaded actual experiments necessary for this project.
-You can take a human to the movies for a date and you can take a chicken to the grill to cook, but you can not cook a human or date a chicken… unless you’re a chicken loving cannibal. But the chicken might break your heart and the human might taste like shit.
-Next time you have been nagging someone for an extended period of time about taking you out for some Kentucky fried and they refuse, simply eat them.
-When you cut the head off of a chicken it runs around directionless and frantic for awhile, when you cut the head off of a human it just dies right away, so my advice is eat the chickens because they are more entertaining.
-Chik-fil-la has proudly been serving the human species for over fifty years.
-Maybe to get all of the cannibals to stop eating humans so much we can ship over a bunch of chickens for them to munch on instead. And to get chickens to stop eating all of that precious chicken feed we can ship a bunch of humans over to nearby chicken coops, then both problems will be solved.
-If you came across a chicken that was as smart as Albert Einstein, as physically capable as Michael Jordan and as compassionate as Mother Theresa yet still tasted delicious with a little barbecue sauce what would you do? I know what I would do, threaten him that if he didn’t do my homework, get me into shape and shower me with unconditional love that I would eat him.
-Think of the most intimate physical, mental and spiritual connection you have ever had with another human being, then think of the juiciest, most tender piece of chicken with that perfect crunchy skin. Now combine the two into one singular sensation and you have the ultimate partner. This may sound ridiculous, but this is exactly what has happened at the Cannabalic Institute for Total Satisfaction. Just hear what this excited customer has to say “I love the institute, for the longest time I struggled with a hunger for chicken while engaging in a relationship with my girlfriend, but now when we are making love or especially when she is telling me her inner most thoughts and feelings and I get that insatiable urge for chicken, I just lean over and take a bite.” And here’s what another had to say, “Now when pleasing my wife intimately all I taste is chicken, thank you C.I.T.S.”
-With recent inspiration from the cannabalic institute, your favorite personal lubrication brand has come out with its latest breakthrough “KY honey barbecue massage gel”.
-Now for my final experiment I will eat myself and then eat a chicken to compare the tastes, this should certainly be effective. Oh and by the way chickens were very responsive to formal wear, that segment sparked a lovely dinner party from which the pictures should be back soon. As for the pie charts they were eaten, not tasting like anything but paper. And now I will eat myself for the final experiment and all of the real answers to this question and all of life’s questions. Here goes…
“Hi, this is the spirit of John and I would just like to say that I was delicious. I did not taste like chicken; it was more of a filet mignon kind of thing, I highly recommend eating me if you ever get the chance. As for the chicken tasting part I am sorry to say that I now can not eat the earthly tangible chicken, but I have had my share of chicken souls, and yes human souls too. I found that these taste very similar, human soul tending to give you a little worse gas and not be very filling, also they don’t taste like earth chicken or human it is more like a soft floating ice cream of some sorts but still tastes like each other. All souls are the same you know.”