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Thread: Getting to know the INFJ?

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    Ugh. Array abathur's Avatar
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    Default Getting to know the INFJ?

    What are your experiences with getting to know INFJs? Or, if you're an INFJ, what are your experiences with getting to know others, especially the INTP?

    I'm trying to get to know a reasonably reserved INFJ and it feels almost like there's a wall up, preventing progress into more intimate intellectual and emotional interaction. We can chat well enough--but it doesn't tend to go far beyond that in person. Online, we can get into a reasonably deep discussion, be that intellectual or emotional. I've noticed this trend forming, and I've been trying to handle important discussions, when they come up, in that "real world" to try and help buck the trend and make some progress, but broaching serious topics and having a good discussion when we're both rather reserved hasn't been working well and usually just leads to everything that needs to be said not getting said.

    I think we're both "part of the problem" to some extent, as we're both pretty socially reserved, and I think we've both been hurt enough that we're slow to trust. In the past I'd seen myself as a reasonably good conversationalist, but I think that might just have been chameleon/mirroring behavior, which is to say my ability to be a conversationalist isn't as much my ability, as the ability of who I'm talking to. I guess I'd just like to get a feel for how typical this scenario is for INFJs with everyone, and in INTP / INFJ relationships, in particular.

    What would be even better would be discussing what got you through or over that wall, if you've been on either side of it before. (I'm not going to say this wall belongs to one of us, just that this wall seems to be limiting our interactions a lot--especially in person.)
    http://escarp.org (It's a text-message-based literary journal. So we publish super-brief poetry and prose.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Eye-In-TiPi View Post
    I've often wondered how many miles of dick I've given my wife. I'm not gonna throw any real numbers out there, but just say if I had an average 6" weiner, for example, it would take 10,560 thrusts to give her a mile of dick. If I average 1 thrust per second and go for 15 minutes, that works out to 450 ft of dick in a session- not even a tenth of a mile. I wonder what my odometer would say.

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    Quote Originally Posted by abathur View Post
    What are your experiences with getting to know INFJs? Or, if you're an INFJ, what are your experiences with getting to know others, especially the INTP?

    I'm trying to get to know a reasonably reserved INFJ and it feels almost like there's a wall up, preventing progress into more intimate intellectual and emotional interaction. We can chat well enough--but it doesn't tend to go far beyond that in person. Online, we can get into a reasonably deep discussion, be that intellectual or emotional. I've noticed this trend forming, and I've been trying to handle important discussions, when they come up, in that "real world" to try and help buck the trend and make some progress, but broaching serious topics and having a good discussion when we're both rather reserved hasn't been working well and usually just leads to everything that needs to be said not getting said.

    I think we're both "part of the problem" to some extent, as we're both pretty socially reserved, and I think we've both been hurt enough that we're slow to trust. In the past I'd seen myself as a reasonably good conversationalist, but I think that might just have been chameleon/mirroring behavior, which is to say my ability to be a conversationalist isn't as much my ability, as the ability of who I'm talking to. I guess I'd just like to get a feel for how typical this scenario is for INFJs with everyone, and in INTP / INFJ relationships, in particular.

    What would be even better would be discussing what got you through or over that wall, if you've been on either side of it before. (I'm not going to say this wall belongs to one of us, just that this wall seems to be limiting our interactions a lot--especially in person.)
    Damn. You too now? Is everyone around here finding INFJ's? Where did you find her? I can't for the life of me find an INFJ female. I know 2 INFJ males(good friend and Dad). I know a gossipy ENFJ(the world is out to get her and she is never wrong, ever). But I can't for the life of me find an INFJ. Damn it all, I might start going to poetry readings or something.

    Good for you. I think you need to do something deep with the INFJ if you are seeking something deeply connective. A day hike, a road trip, a kayak during sunset, etc. Beyond internet, beyond nearby. I think if you go somewhere where both of you are unknown, unaware of the surroundings, where there is quiet room for discussion, things will unfold.

    Where did you meet her?

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    Senior Member Array dunee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sPaCeDdReAmS View Post
    I think you need to do something deep with the INFJ if you are seeking something deeply connective. A day hike, a road trip, a kayak during sunset, etc. Beyond internet, beyond nearby. I think if you go somewhere where both of you are unknown, unaware of the surroundings, where there is quiet room for discussion, things will unfold.
    I agree. Funnily enough, all the deeper conversations I have had with my INFJ mom have been during road trips.

    Road trip, spending time cooking together, or hiking are some ways to go.

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    Member Array DevNull's Avatar
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    INFJs are all about deeds, not words. Don't fuck up anything when you are granted a stage by an INFJ. It may take a long time before they give you that stage. Remember that they are intently testing you at that point. Talk all you want after that audition, providing you pass the test. The conversation will be most pleasant forever after... until you fuck up

    Eight years of marriage to a textbook INFJ has taught me the power of truth. I have seen what happens to people who deceive an INFJ. They are dropped like a hot pan.

    I wish I could give you advice on how to accelerate the audition, but I can't. It just happens as it happens. Just don't blow it is all I am saying.
    -- In a perfect world where everyone was equal I'd still own the film rights and be working on the sequel --

    -- Hey Joe, whaddya know? I just been down to the DevNull show --

    -- I sign my motherf****** checks with dollar signs instead of s's - DevNull $mith --

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    Ixnay on the Norgay Array Serotonin's Avatar
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    I met my INFJ gf online initially, and it was true then, and still true now, that our communication with text is much more free and verbose than it is verbally. In our case it was probably the best way we could "feel each other out", i.e. give some of our backgrounds, attitudes, viewpoints, before realising that something was clicking.

    But it took a while. It was a good year or maybe more from the time we started conversing online to when we got together.
    Take it slow, don't expect too much, and it's probable that both your Ns will allow you to work out whether it's going places. Good luck.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Claverhouse
    It doesn't matter whether we are in mental prison or not, since if we were all freed from every form of mental conditioning, we'd all immediately create our own individual mental prisons to lock ourselves away in anyway....
    Quote Originally Posted by abathur
    safety is overrated.

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    Ixnay on the Norgay Array Serotonin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by abathur View Post

    What would be even better would be discussing what got you through or over that wall, if you've been on either side of it before. (I'm not going to say this wall belongs to one of us, just that this wall seems to be limiting our interactions a lot--especially in person.)
    The knowledge that she was worthwhile, and as a conversationalist and confidante, left most other people, IRL and online, in the gutter.
    MBTI: INTP
    Enneagram: 5w4 sp/sx
    SLOAN: RlUx|I|

    Quote Originally Posted by Claverhouse
    It doesn't matter whether we are in mental prison or not, since if we were all freed from every form of mental conditioning, we'd all immediately create our own individual mental prisons to lock ourselves away in anyway....
    Quote Originally Posted by abathur
    safety is overrated.

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    Quote Originally Posted by DevNull View Post
    INFJs are all about deeds, not words. Don't fuck up anything when you are granted a stage by an INFJ. It may take a long time before they give you that stage. Remember that they are intently testing you at that point. Talk all you want after that audition, providing you pass the test. The conversation will be most pleasant forever after... until you fuck up

    Eight years of marriage to a textbook INFJ has taught me the power of truth. I have seen what happens to people who deceive an INFJ. They are dropped like a hot pan.

    I wish I could give you advice on how to accelerate the audition, but I can't. It just happens as it happens. Just don't blow it is all I am saying.
    Does it ever piss you off(I am assuming she does this like an INFJ I know) that she judges you against her values that you see her not living up to occassionally?

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    Ugh. Array abathur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sPaCeDdReAmS View Post
    Damn. You too now? Is everyone around here finding INFJ's? Where did you find her? I can't for the life of me find an INFJ female. I know 2 INFJ males(good friend and Dad). I know a gossipy ENFJ(the world is out to get her and she is never wrong, ever). But I can't for the life of me find an INFJ. Damn it all, I might start going to poetry readings or something.

    Good for you. I think you need to do something deep with the INFJ if you are seeking something deeply connective. A day hike, a road trip, a kayak during sunset, etc. Beyond internet, beyond nearby. I think if you go somewhere where both of you are unknown, unaware of the surroundings, where there is quiet room for discussion, things will unfold.

    Where did you meet her?
    Haha. Well, we were both in the same first year Latin courses, but judging from what I know of myself, much less what I know of her, that would be the end of the story if we hadn't had a mutual friend in the class to introduce us to each other. We've known each other for over a year, now, but haven't really been anything but casual acquaintances for a significant portion of that time.

    I like that advice. I'll have to look for something that would fit the bill. I've been needing an excuse to get her away from her roommates (we've had a bit of an issue with them, she thought one of the girls was a safe confidant, I had told her some things that I didn't particularly want going beyond her, though I have no intrinsic objection to the girl she told knowing, but I ended up hearing it all back through the mutual friend, and even worse it'd done a little telephone bit and made me come off like an unstable creep.) I'd already been pondering a few trip ideas, but money is a problem for both of us. Anyways, now that I've got another reason to think about doing that, I'll find something we can do.
    http://escarp.org (It's a text-message-based literary journal. So we publish super-brief poetry and prose.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Eye-In-TiPi View Post
    I've often wondered how many miles of dick I've given my wife. I'm not gonna throw any real numbers out there, but just say if I had an average 6" weiner, for example, it would take 10,560 thrusts to give her a mile of dick. If I average 1 thrust per second and go for 15 minutes, that works out to 450 ft of dick in a session- not even a tenth of a mile. I wonder what my odometer would say.

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    Member Array DevNull's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sPaCeDdReAmS View Post
    Does it ever piss you off(I am assuming she does this like an INFJ I know) that she judges you against her values that you see her not living up to occassionally?
    That is a stress trait of an INFJ. An INFJ does not live up to their own standards only when under stress and MAN do they beat themselves up over it.

    It does not piss me off anymore since I found out it was generated by stress. The makeup sex is worth suffering through it. Find the cause of the stress, work on it together, enjoy the apology sex and ride that ass all the way to the blissful, blissful sleep at the end.

    Since I seem to remember that you are not yet in an INFJ relationship, then try to honestly play upon the fact that you have been hurt. Don't cry or anything, but don't let it slide.
    -- In a perfect world where everyone was equal I'd still own the film rights and be working on the sequel --

    -- Hey Joe, whaddya know? I just been down to the DevNull show --

    -- I sign my motherf****** checks with dollar signs instead of s's - DevNull $mith --

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    Ugh. Array abathur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DevNull View Post
    INFJs are all about deeds, not words. Don't fuck up anything when you are granted a stage by an INFJ. It may take a long time before they give you that stage. Remember that they are intently testing you at that point. Talk all you want after that audition, providing you pass the test. The conversation will be most pleasant forever after... until you fuck up

    Eight years of marriage to a textbook INFJ has taught me the power of truth. I have seen what happens to people who deceive an INFJ. They are dropped like a hot pan.

    I wish I could give you advice on how to accelerate the audition, but I can't. It just happens as it happens. Just don't blow it is all I am saying.
    Define "It"? And clarify being "granted a stage"? Fuckups are inevitable, but deception isn't much in my nature, so I doubt that'll ever be an issue. If anything, I'm over-concerned about anything being less-than-honest. I've thought about pressing forward more in other areas of the friendship (not really talking about sex, but just our general level of closeness) but I don't want to give her all the signs that she's about to end up in a relationship without knowing if we'll get past this wall.

    To be more succinct, there: I'd like to fall in love with her, but I'm not feeling the connection I need for that, yet. I'd feel absolutely miserable if I forged on anyways and ended up with her in love with me, and me unable to genuinely reciprocate.

    I should also probably clarify that I'd still just consider this a friendship, at this point. Relationship stuff has come up, at this point, and there's some mutual interest, but I don't know that we fit any normal definition for a "relationship" yet.

    So, would you say she is consciously testing whether or not I'm worth opening up to, or is she wanting to open up, but will have to overcome some obstacles to get there? I'm not really worried about failing any test. Unless a required part of the test is acting fast or trying hard to get into her pants.
    http://escarp.org (It's a text-message-based literary journal. So we publish super-brief poetry and prose.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Eye-In-TiPi View Post
    I've often wondered how many miles of dick I've given my wife. I'm not gonna throw any real numbers out there, but just say if I had an average 6" weiner, for example, it would take 10,560 thrusts to give her a mile of dick. If I average 1 thrust per second and go for 15 minutes, that works out to 450 ft of dick in a session- not even a tenth of a mile. I wonder what my odometer would say.

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