How to get rid of Dismissive-Avoidant attachment

[bikemaniac]

Hi Forum,

I'm 29 years old and a male and I never had a girlfriend or sex. Too, I have never been intimate with a girl.

To read the entire story, please visit this link and read the first post (at least)

www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=35303

(please remove the spaces and copy/paste it to your browser)

On top of my post in the other forum I would like to add the following:
Yesterday I was browsing the internet and stumbled over the phenomena of adult attachment theories. For more information look here:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

(please remove the spaces and copy/paste it to your browser)

I fit right into the box of "Dismissive-Avoidant attachment". The description of this attachment style is almost dead on - it's like my personality revealed on the internet

Anyhow I believe that the Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style is hindering my success with girls. And this is why it doesn't help to explain to me, that I just have to jump into it and start asking girls out.

Anyone out there who can help me solve my problem (advice, links etc)?

Thanks in advance, L

[Hexchild]

Interesting article, there. But I was somewhat surprised to find I don't really recognise myself in any of the four styles.


As for your problem, I think it's fairly common for INTPs. This forum has plenty of old threads on how INTP guys tend not to have any success with girls.

And, I'm no different in that regard.

[Jennywocky]

Well, with Dismissive-Avoidant, your tendency in times of uncertainty or emotional unrest will be to withdraw and pretend you don't need your girlfriend.

And the more she pursues you, the more aloof and disinterested you might appear to her, to keep her back.

You're using space (physical and emotional) to avoid dealing with the anxiety of the relationship.

There are lots of ways to think through this, but at the very least, if you can perceive why this reaction might bother a girl you're in a relationship with, you have a chance to change your response.

Another snag is that you will have some trouble telling what discomfort would be healthy to overcome should versus what discomfort is based on a real violation of your boundaries. With the former, you readjust *your* thinking and behavior; with the latter, you need to keep firm boundaries in place. This will take some time to learn.

In general, though, other people -- healthy OR needy -- will probably be asking for more closeness than you are comfortable giving right now. You need to chip away at that discomfort you feel, in order to close the gap some, accepting some anxiety as par for the course.

[Intension]

Instead of typing "please remove the spaces and copy/paste it to your browser" why didn't you delete the spaces yourself and create a hyperlink? What is this, 1995?

No woman will sleep with you if you can't link. At least, no INTP woman.

[lbloom]

Instead of typing "please remove the spaces and copy/paste it to your browser" why didn't you delete the spaces yourself and create a hyperlink? What is this, 1995?

No woman will sleep with you if you can't link. At least, no INTP woman.

New users have certain limitations on their posting ability.

[LongSilence]

Well, I'm afraid I'm feeling rather prone to avoid / dismiss this as copy and pasted forum self-advertisment.

[Intension]

I notice the Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style seems to correspond to Schizoid Personality Disorder; Fearful-avoidant approximates Avoidant Personality Disorder; and Anxious-Preoccupied sounds like Histrionic Personality Disorder. That is purely my speculation, but you might read up on Schizoid personality types as well to see if they further explain your behavior. (Though I mentioned personality "disorders," there are corresponding personality "styles" that are similar but not as severe or pathological as the disorder)

[lbloom]

- Work on your Ni, tap your unconscious. When it comes to self-analysis, Ti-Ne can go around in eccentric circles all day till you go batty, because Ne is turned outward. There's no fresh information there. Try meditation.

- When you have a moment of clarity about yourself, write it down somewhere. Read this when you are conflicted. Learn to recognize when you are conflicted. Learn to recognize and validate genuine clarity. It will come back if you do.

I suspect that reading this alone won't do any good. It probably has to strike you. Resist the temptation to read everything on the subject to avoid doing anything about it. Try to lose denial.

These are difficult things, but well worth trying for.

But you must first really want to.




I sound oddly like wildcat in this post.

[panda]

If you're self-aware enough to recognize your problem, you should be capable of resolving it on your own. Are you INTP?

There have been ~43,000 similar threads on this forum, so if you do a bit of searching, you may be able to find advice.

[skip]

Anyhow I believe that the Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style is hindering my success with girls.

Try women instead of girls.