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Thread: How do you feel about me???

  1. #1
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    Default How do you feel about me???

    I've been in a relationship with my gf for about 7 months now (this is my second one); she is an ESFJ, a complete opposite but we share many things in common. We are happy and growing personally in our relationship with occasional bumps in the road. She even states herself, that I am the "best boyfriend and lover" that she's ever been with. She understands that my personality is a bit different than most she's encountered, and I try my best to explain to her aspects about my personality when she doesn't understand.

    However, she asks me all the time "how do I feel about her?" This is when I pause...................for long periods of time...........thinking........sigh! Answering this question is truly hard for me. I honestly try my best, searching deep within, to answer this question but I'm stumped; I can't find the words. I try not to but I usually end up intellectualizing. I usually try to explain to her that by going through this process, I am really tapping into a side of myself that is underdeveloped (you know, inferior function-extraverted feeling). When I try, it usually conjure up other feelings (taboo)that I am afraid of, scared to share with others. I show how much I care for her through my actions, by being supportive, and by being present (with ocassional time alone). I am not at a point in our relationship where I can truthfully say the "4 letter word", and we are kind of on the same page with that.

    She is very understanding, however, she gets a little frustrated at times because she needs to know where I stand so that she can better evaluate our relationship. I can understand where she is coming from. In most relationships, you need to be able to answer this question, right? Do most of you INTP's go through this or is it just me? You have any suggestions.

  2. #2
    Member Array wreckoning's Avatar
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    Uh I hate this question. I also hate the "What are you thinking about?" question when I start getting zoned out about something... because I am almost never thinking about something nice and romantic, it is usually something abstract, unrelated to whatever is actually going on around me, and often just plain weird.

    Usually I give some short, lame answer on how I feel... it doesn't really matter how long I stop to think about it, I am not going to come up with something... so the conversation moves on to something else, and then like 30 minutes later I will have thought of something nice and appropriate to say, so I will say it then.

    I too would much rather just show how I feel through action... words are cheap, and trite... they never seem to convey the meaning exactly right... maybe it is only my words that have that problem.

  3. #3
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    LOL

    Wow! That made my day....I can totally relate.

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    Yay!! Another INTP who gets in relationships with ESFJs!!

    I totally get the "I can't figure out how I feel about you" thing.
    I spent three months in steep depression spending all my time
    trying to figure out my unconscious (introverted feeling) and
    how I felt about an ESFJ and the only thing I figured out was that
    my feelings ranged from intense hatred to pure love for him.
    Shows how underdeveloped that side of me is. I have a slightly
    better idea of how I feel about him, but still, relatively no idea.
    The only perspective I can take it from is whether it works or not.
    Whether I have a good time with him and we can get along and
    we can grow and learn from each other. I wish I could see it
    from a feeling perspective, but I see things so incredibly intellectually
    that I'm learning to just accept that I can't really see things the other way.

  5. #5
    Junior Member Array Sarcasticus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wreckoning View Post
    I too would much rather just show how I feel through action... words are cheap, and trite... they never seem to convey the meaning exactly right... maybe it is only my words that have that problem.
    I agree. I tend to operate under the principle that if I say "I like you" or whatever, that statement stands until I say otherwise. It doesn't need repeating, does it?

    That's clearly an INTP thing. Clarity and economy of communication.

    Unfortunately for any INTP male dating an ExFx type female, the words are very important. Take it from someone who's been there. You must say them, everyday. Bonus points for expressing your feelings spontaneously.
    Work is the curse of the drinking class. ~Oscar Wilde
    INTP 5w4

  6. #6
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    Yeah,

    Is this usually the case with just ESFJs or does this occur with other types? Anyone else have suggestions on how I should approach this?

  7. #7
    Banned Array MacGuffin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Darkblue View Post
    However, she asks me all the time "how do I feel about her?" This is when I pause...................for long periods of time...........thinking........sigh!

    Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never answer a woman's question of "how do you feel?" with anything less than a sentence that sounds as if it came out of a Hallmark card.

  8. #8
    Ekpyrotic Lifeform Array Domino's Avatar
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    I'd find that level of "tell me what you're feeling" exhausting and I happen to LIKE ESFJs.

    And Torrent is right. If you aren't overpowered with the urge to tell her you love her, I'd feel pretty bad about the relationship too. I'd want to see it demonstrated in the little things, but seriously, you gotta say it once in a while. After 7 months, I'd be hitting the road.
    Quote Originally Posted by stuck View Post
    First you have to realize that anyone who hates you for "no reason" probably has a good reason. It's likely that the reason is insanity or possession of a rotten personality. In either of those cases, you don't really need to worry about them at all-everyone else around them probably already knows they have such a condition.

  9. #9
    depersoned Array INA's Avatar
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    Yeah, I never ask how someone feels about me. Then again I am an emotional cripple and that is too loaded a question. I admit to wanting to get into their little heads, so I'll ask "what are you thinking about?" if I notice a pensive look. I love playing around with ideas and other people's heads are fertile ground. It is fascinating to understand how the mind of someone you are attracted to works. That I cannot help. Otherwise not only am I content with them showing how they feel instead of saying it . . . I prefer it that way as it is also how I operate. I cannot stand people who have to talk about their feelings all the goddamned time. Or at all to be honest.

  10. #10
    Ekpyrotic Lifeform Array Domino's Avatar
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    If you have to ASK how someone feels about you, it's over. I'd want to know he loved me/was into me from the first minute. That's action speaking.
    Quote Originally Posted by stuck View Post
    First you have to realize that anyone who hates you for "no reason" probably has a good reason. It's likely that the reason is insanity or possession of a rotten personality. In either of those cases, you don't really need to worry about them at all-everyone else around them probably already knows they have such a condition.

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