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Thread: Weird or Silly Things I've Found in the Bible

  1. #1
    Dengarm
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    I get really bored. When I get really bored I take up random projects. Here at college I have creationists pestering me with pamphlets, flyers, offers of free food and even novels. So I decided to read the bible. Not just skim it like most Christians I know do (no offence to anyone is intended, except a few idiots I know personally) I found all sorts of really weird stuff. Here are some of the more interesting finds.

    "But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me."
    Luke 19:27
    - Thats not Herod, Hitler or a mad scientist bent on world domination talking, thats Jesus. Yes the compassionate, turn-the-other-cheek Jesus. Well at least it makes the KKK feel better.

    "A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things."
    Ecclesiastes 10:19
    - Materialism supported by the bible.

    "And the Lord was with Judah; and He drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but He could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." Judges 1:19
    - He = God he = someone else. So God has no power over iron? Did God become obsolete with the invention of the car or something?

    Then Herod, when he saw that he was mocked of the wise men, was exceeding wroth, and sent forth, and slew all the children that were in Bethlehem, and in all the coasts thereof, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had diligently enquired of the wise men Mathew 2:19
    - This is the famous Herod the baby-killer story. But none of Herod's contemporary historians recorded this, not even Josephus, who chronicled Herod's life in full. It's not like you wouldn't notice the death of every child in and around a major city like Bethlehem.

    And Joab gave up the sum of the number of the people unto the king: and there were in Israel eight hundred thousand valiant men that drew the sword; and the men of Judah were five hundred thousand men.
    2 Samuel 24:9
    - Thats 1,300,000 fighting men. That doesn't include a population count of women or childern either. Thats a rediculously high number of troops for two tribal armies in 1000 BC. The biggest millitary in the ancient world (Persia) only sent 250,000 on their first attempt to invade Athens and the rest of Greece, and that was a few hundred years later. In 2000 the US had about 1.37 million active duty troops.

    Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
    Psalms 137:9
    - Just weird. And a little creepy.

    Know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.
    James 4:4
    - Oh, so thats why Bush constantly ignores international treatys!

    "It was impossible for God to lie." Hebrew 6:18
    - He can create the universe and is generally regarded as omnipotent, but he can't lie? Thats a weirder weakness than even that iron thing.

    "And I beheld, and lo, in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God sent forth into all the earth." (Revelation 5:6)
    - Everyone agrees that the slain lamb is a constant symbol for Jesus. So now Jesus has horns? And who the hell are the seven Spirits of God?


    Does God want some people to go to Hell?


    Yes
    "God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned." 2 Thessalonians 2:11-12

    "The Lord hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil." Proverbs 16:4

    No
    "God our Saviour; who will have all men to be saved." 1 Timothy 2:3-4

    "The Lord is ... not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:9


    The next thing has really weird implications. First we have;

    "AND Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel." 1 Chronicles 21:1

    Then later we get this describing the same event;

    "AND again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah." 2 Samuel 24:1

    So . . . are God and Satan the same entity, or do they just work together? Or did Israel really screw up and manage to piss off both God and Satan


    AND Finally

    God is . . .

    . . . a Peacemaker
    "God is not the author of confusion but of peace." 1 Corenthian 14:33

    . . . a Warrior
    "The Lord is a man of war." Exodus 14:3

    . . . a Voyeurist?
    "And he said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live. And the LORD said, Behold, there is a place by me, and thou shalt stand upon a rock: and it shall come to pass, while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a cleft of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by: and I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts; but my face shall not be seen." Exodus 33:20-23
    - It's a little know fact that God moons all the Phrophets, it's a little like a frat initiation ritual. That is correct, God shows Moses His divine ass.

    And that's pretty much all I found. You are now free to rant at me and tell me I'm going to hell.

  2. #2
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    ZOMFG YOU'RE SO GOING TO HELL!!!!!!! =)

    I read half of it so far ... but I noticed I'm really hungry so I started to just think about food ... I'll read the rest eventually ... interesting stuff. =)

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    Senior Member Array file cabinet's Avatar
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    what any bible beaters will say is you're probably taking the quotes out of context.. but whatever, I don't really care. Phrases from the bible are always taken out of context to prove points, especially in the church. I am not religious. Although I am pastor's son.. were you reading the King James version ?

  4. #4
    Dengarm
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    No, they are, for the most part, in context. I mean how many ways can you interpret Jesus saying "Kill those I can't be bothered to rule?" It's not like Jesus is big on the sarcasm. Okay, Psalms 137:9 is out of context, making it seem more horrible than it actually is, but it's still about killing children, just not your own.

    Yes, I was using the King James, as it is the most common, and also it is the only bible accepted by many christians, esp. the damn creationist preachers that won't leave me alone. They keep repeating that the bible is God's word and that the King James is infalliable.

    I just checked the Revised Standard Version of the bible though and the only diferences (that affect meaning, there are a few gramatical changes) are, capitalization in Judges 1:19, so god is not weak against iron and changing James 4:4 entirely, presumably to preserve God's free will, and omitting the word parts from Exodus 33:23.

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    Senior Member Array file cabinet's Avatar
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    > also it is the only bible accepted by many christians
    Incorrect. I believe it is mainly the extremists or more traditional believers/denominations who think the King James version is the true 'word of God.' The real true 'word of God' is in Hebrew(I think) though.

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    Senior Member Array cloakable's Avatar
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    LOL, I'm going to save this page for offline use, cause it's just so damn funny. I have found holes in the Bible, but not documented them the way you have.

    I.e.

    "do not suffer a witch to live" - I forget where in the Bible this is.
    "Thou shalt not kill" - The first commandment.

    How does a Christian reconcile these commands?
    MBTI: I:100%, N:75%, T:95%, P:90%.
    Enneagram: 5 sp/sx/so
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    Im namen von Satan, Gott ist tot. Hagel Satan! Ich tote Gott!

  7. #7
    Senior Member Array file cabinet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cloakable
    LOL, I'm going to save this page for offline use, cause it's just so damn funny. I have found holes in the Bible, but not documented them the way you have.

    I.e.

    "do not suffer a witch to live" - I forget where in the Bible this is.
    "Thou shalt not kill" - The first commandment.

    How does a Christian reconcile these commands?
    during war you're allowed to kill people. Bush's war against Iraq has been blessed by God.
    The Salem witch trials helped rid the world of real witches.
    hallelujah.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Array PsiKik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cloakable
    "do not suffer a witch to live" - I forget where in the Bible this is.
    "Thou shalt not kill" - The first commandment.

    How does a Christian reconcile these commands?
    Exactly. Isn't the ability to see inconsistencies a prime INTP trait!
    Back to one of my original assumptions - INTP's are less likely to be religious because we see straight thru this kind of crap.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Array PsiKik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by file cabinet
    what any bible beaters will say is you're probably taking the quotes out of context.. but whatever, I don't really care. Phrases from the bible are always taken out of context to prove points, especially in the church. I am not religious. Although I am pastor's son.. were you reading the King James version ?
    how's this for taking a quote out of context to prove some points...

    "And Mishkebab said unto Hebabenite, who was begat by a goat,
    go ye unto the land of Moab and cast thy nephilim unto the kebab
    Wherepon Mishkebab doubted and was cast into the web of a great hairy
    spider man impersonator.
    And the Hishkanites were smited by the thumb of the all powerful one
    who we shall know as the guardian of the hipobaboonite.

    - proof of
    a)All you ungodly pinko commie liberal clinton loving baby killing
    tree-huggers will burn in hell. Vote Bush

    b.0) The earth is 4000 years old. Vote Bush

    b.1) Evolution is just a theory, which means it's just an idea, which means
    it's not true. Vote Bush.

    c) Global warming is just a theory( see b.1) and even if it was true
    we are allowed to fuck up the earth because :
    a) it says we can in the bible.
    b) the end is nigh i.e. Jesus is coming real soon so it doesn't matter.
    Vote Bush.
    "

  10. #10
    Senior Member Array cloakable's Avatar
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    Default Re: Getting Sidetracked

    Quote Originally Posted by PsiKik
    Vote Bush.
    No, thats just the way the Right (Reich?) put it. If you don't Vote Shrub, you'll go to hell.

    Oh well, at least it's warm there. :D
    MBTI: I:100%, N:75%, T:95%, P:90%.
    Enneagram: 5 sp/sx/so
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    Im namen von Satan, Gott ist tot. Hagel Satan! Ich tote Gott!

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