I get really bored. When I get really bored I take up random projects. Here at college I have creationists pestering me with pamphlets, flyers, offers of free food and even novels. So I decided to read the bible. Not just skim it like most Christians I know do (no offence to anyone is intended, except a few idiots I know personally) I found all sorts of really weird stuff. Here are some of the more interesting finds.
"But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me."
- Thats not Herod, Hitler or a mad scientist bent on world domination talking, thats Jesus. Yes the compassionate, turn-the-other-cheek Jesus. Well at least it makes the KKK feel better.
"A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things."
- Materialism supported by the bible.
"And the Lord was with Judah; and He drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but He could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." Judges 1:19
- He = God he = someone else. So God has no power over iron? Did God become obsolete with the invention of the car or something?
Then Herod, when he saw that he was mocked of the wise men, was exceeding wroth, and sent forth, and slew all the children that were in Bethlehem, and in all the coasts thereof, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had diligently enquired of the wise men Mathew 2:19
- This is the famous Herod the baby-killer story. But none of Herod's contemporary historians recorded this, not even Josephus, who chronicled Herod's life in full. It's not like you wouldn't notice the death of every child in and around a major city like Bethlehem.
And Joab gave up the sum of the number of the people unto the king: and there were in Israel eight hundred thousand valiant men that drew the sword; and the men of Judah were five hundred thousand men.
2 Samuel 24:9
- Thats 1,300,000 fighting men. That doesn't include a population count of women or childern either. Thats a rediculously high number of troops for two tribal armies in 1000 BC. The biggest millitary in the ancient world (Persia) only sent 250,000 on their first attempt to invade Athens and the rest of Greece, and that was a few hundred years later. In 2000 the US had about 1.37 million active duty troops.
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
- Just weird. And a little creepy.
Know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.
- Oh, so thats why Bush constantly ignores international treatys!
"It was impossible for God to lie." Hebrew 6:18
- He can create the universe and is generally regarded as omnipotent, but he can't lie? Thats a weirder weakness than even that iron thing.
"And I beheld, and lo, in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God sent forth into all the earth." (Revelation 5:6)
- Everyone agrees that the slain lamb is a constant symbol for Jesus. So now Jesus has horns? And who the hell are the seven Spirits of God?
Does God want some people to go to Hell?
"God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned." 2 Thessalonians 2:11-12
"The Lord hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil." Proverbs 16:4
"God our Saviour; who will have all men to be saved." 1 Timothy 2:3-4
"The Lord is ... not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:9
The next thing has really weird implications. First we have;
"AND Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel." 1 Chronicles 21:1
Then later we get this describing the same event;
"AND again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah." 2 Samuel 24:1
So . . . are God and Satan the same entity, or do they just work together? Or did Israel really screw up and manage to piss off both God and Satan
God is . . .
. . . a Peacemaker
"God is not the author of confusion but of peace." 1 Corenthian 14:33
. . . a Warrior
"The Lord is a man of war." Exodus 14:3
. . . a Voyeurist?
"And he said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live. And the LORD said, Behold, there is a place by me, and thou shalt stand upon a rock: and it shall come to pass, while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a cleft of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by: and I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts; but my face shall not be seen." Exodus 33:20-23
- It's a little know fact that God moons all the Phrophets, it's a little like a frat initiation ritual. That is correct, God shows Moses His divine ass.
And that's pretty much all I found. You are now free to rant at me and tell me I'm going to hell.